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Truly Tasteless Memes II
- Thread starter Doc
- Start date
shortarcflyer
Well-known member
Almost
Well-known member
Little Johnny went to the confessional. “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a very keen girl,” he said.
The priest asked: “Is that you, Little Johnny?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighed in frustration and said: “You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Little Johnny walked back to his pew, and his friend slid over and whispered: “What’d you get?”
He smirked and answered: “Four months vacation and five good leads.”
The priest asked: “Is that you, Little Johnny?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighed in frustration and said: “You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Little Johnny walked back to his pew, and his friend slid over and whispered: “What’d you get?”
He smirked and answered: “Four months vacation and five good leads.”
shortarcflyer
Well-known member
shortarcflyer
Well-known member
Almost
Well-known member
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon.
The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service".
The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?"
The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon."
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon.
The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service".
The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?"
The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon."
Almost
Well-known member
A farmer took his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is at the end of that road….. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk with the old girl after following her advice.
On the way, he said, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this footpath. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get amongst the trees, you won't hold me up against a tree, and have your way with me?"
Shocked, the farmer responded, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a tin of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a tree and do that?"
"Set the goose down,” The old lady replied, “cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket…. and I'll have to hold the chickens."
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is at the end of that road….. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk with the old girl after following her advice.
On the way, he said, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this footpath. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get amongst the trees, you won't hold me up against a tree, and have your way with me?"
Shocked, the farmer responded, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a tin of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a tree and do that?"
"Set the goose down,” The old lady replied, “cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket…. and I'll have to hold the chickens."
Almost
Well-known member
An Airbus is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight you got there isn’t it?……Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?
“Very impressive” the Airbus pilot answers: "but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. He’s watching but it continues to fly straight, at the same speed and at the same altitude.
After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the shitter, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight you got there isn’t it?……Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?
“Very impressive” the Airbus pilot answers: "but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. He’s watching but it continues to fly straight, at the same speed and at the same altitude.
After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the shitter, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
NorthernRedneck
Well-known member
