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Tidbits AKA Groaners

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Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?


The pharmacist.
 
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
 
“So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”
Then Bob says to Dan,
“Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!”
Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”
 
I met a man who had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
 
11 exercises that you can do in 2018 that won't burn a single calorie!

Jogging your memory.
Throwing your weight around.
Diving into your work.
Jumping to conclusions.
Swimming in paperwork.
Wrestling with a decision.
Bouncing ideas off a co-worker.
Running up your credit cards.
Letting your finger do the walking.
Picking up the check
Skipping class.
 
What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids!
 
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out just fine.

And you know what else? Uhhhh

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out just fine.
 
I asked my doctor today what the difference is between a cold and the flu.

He said,

"About $90."
 
MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY = HOOCHIE

My lady found a woman's # in my cell phone and ask me

"hoochie is?"
 
When your retired, you got a lot of free time on your hands.

So this morning I put Super Glue in a non-stick pan.

I wanna see which one is the real deal product here.
 
Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Dallas Cowboys.
 
My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together
 
What rock group has four men who can't sing?







Mt. Rushmore.
 
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller!
 
I have six locks on my door, all in a row.

When I go out, I lock every other one.

I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks.

They are always locking three of them.
 
REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY:
SENSUOUS

Husband to wife, sensuous up go make me a samich.
 
Sometimes I wonder if it is a coincidence that morning and mourning sound alike?
 
This year I've got my girlfriend a Valentine's Day present that will really take her breath away.

A treadmill!
 
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there...

It was the bathroom.

But still.
 
I found out this morning that you can't use "beef stew" as a password.

It's not stroganoff!
 
It was thirty years ago today that I lost my wife.

I'll never forget that card game!
 
Women say men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel.

It already has a woman pushing it around.
 
When a dog sniffs another dog’s poop

I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
 
They say there's no fool like an old fool.

But I telling you, some of these young fools are showing real promise!
 
I believe that this daylight savings time change is by far,

the absolute lamest form of time travel.
 
I believe that this daylight savings time change is by far,

the absolute lamest form of time travel.
 
Called my new doctors office and asked for the quickest way to get there.

They asked if I was walking or driving. I said driving. They said "thats the quickest way"
 
The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.
 
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