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Tidbits AKA Groaners
- Thread starter Doc
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Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
MrLiberty
Bronze Member
Jim_S
Gone But Not Forgotten
A young boy enters the barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer "This has got to be the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and I'll prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
Today, two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the range and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them.
As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: $45.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them.
As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: $45.
The map her friend had drawn indicated that the client she was to see, lived in the third farm past Wyinda road.
Try as she might, she could not find a Wyinda Road anywhere! Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask directions.
"I ain't never heard of no Wyinda Road." said the farmer. "But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy, he's lived 'round here for better 'n 70 years."
"Thanks," she replied. "Where can I find him?" "He lives on the second farm past the Y in da road."
Try as she might, she could not find a Wyinda Road anywhere! Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask directions.
"I ain't never heard of no Wyinda Road." said the farmer. "But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy, he's lived 'round here for better 'n 70 years."
"Thanks," she replied. "Where can I find him?" "He lives on the second farm past the Y in da road."
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.
" With that, she stripped completely, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers , picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumb-founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks; not all blondes are dumb... but all men... are men!
" With that, she stripped completely, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers , picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumb-founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks; not all blondes are dumb... but all men... are men!
Danang Sailor
nullius in verba
After 22 years of active duty in the sea services (Navy & Coast Guard) and having observed all branches of the military first hand, I can now say with utmost confidence that the main difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts is that the Boy Scouts have adult leaders!
Is there a hidden meaning here? Can you explain? Sorry for being dense.
A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers 1 to 10 well?
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
" jack then queen, then king"
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
" jack then queen, then king"
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in
Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which
reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy
Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these,
take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our
friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the
talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might
think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to
us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they
don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia
drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100
of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them
there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup
and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South
Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you
knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which
reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy
Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these,
take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our
friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the
talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might
think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to
us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they
don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia
drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100
of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them
there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup
and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South
Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you
knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
Danang Sailor
nullius in verba
Hidden? No, I don't think so; just the (to me) obvious one. There has been a semi-friendly banter going on between the sea services, especially the Navy, and the Marine Corps since ... well, since forever as near as I can tell.
This quip is in the nature of a friendly gibe (or a cheap shot, depending) pointing out that the Boy Scouts have better leaders than the Marines. If you were in the Navy it would be funny - or not if you were a Sea-going Bellhop (a Marine)!
Danang Sailor
nullius in verba
Knows enough to call a Seagoing Bellhop* when the Old Man wants his bags moved!
*A Marine, for all you Army and Air Force types.
United States Marine CorpsKnows enough to call a Seagoing Bellhop* when the Old Man wants his bags moved!
*A Marine, for all you Army and Air Force types.
The man division of the US Navy.
Danang Sailor
nullius in verba
One of my favorite cartoons in the Navy Times showed two sailor-types swabbing a deck. The caption was, "What I like about the Coast Guard is that, if anything goes wrong, you can always wade ashore!"
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