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Relationship help (real story)

American Woman

American Woman

Banned
This was sent to me by a friend. Now keep in mind it's real life for her, so give me some sound advice to take back to her.


"I have a women question. So here is the question: I don't really know how to form this question so here it goes. At what point in dating should you know if the person you are dating is the so called "the one".

I believe by two years of dating, you either know if your going to marry this person or not.

So me and my BF have been dating for almost 3 years, and we have lived together for 2 1/2 years. we have a joint checking account and we consider everything as "ours". We have made long term plans and large purchases together. We have had the marriage talk a lot.

From the start of the relationship, I have stated I don't want to buy house together until we are married (he moved into my house, and currently still owns a condo). I also don't want to buy big items such as garages, barns, etc. since we are not married. In my past I have done this with my ex-BF and got burned. So i figure if we are not ready for marriage then we are not ready to commit to buying large items that we can only afford together.

Heres the problem, I know he is the one for me, but I'm not really sure if I am for him. He states he wants to get married "someday". well yeah "someday I want to go to Hawaii". He is ready to commit to buying a house and everything elas, but not to marriage. I don't get it. He is 34 yrs. old, never married, no kids, and has his career. He can not tell me why he is not ready and scaried, but yet he keeps pushing for us to buy a house together.

I have be engaged in the past and I would always put marriage off. I know the reason why I did it, was because I knew they were not right for me. To me after this amount of time dating and living together, shouldn't you know for sure by now? He says he knows for sure I'm the one, and it's just him not being ready and he doesn't know when he will be ready.

I don't want to waste my time. I know that sounds harsh, but I think I deserve to know if this is moving on or not. we are at a stand still right now and someday is no longer working for me. I don't want to keep building a life with someone that can not fully commit."

My advice was why worry about the marriage thing. (I'm an old hippie:rolf2:)
If she got married there would still be a fight over the big stuff if they separated.
Redneck says "there's a difference, and she should send him back to his condo to see what it's like without her." (he makes sense too)
 
It sounds like marriage is very important to her. In that case, I have to agree with Redneck. Send him back to his Condo. You don't know what you have until it's gone. This would force the issue but at this point maybe it needs forced. She won't be happy or sure of the relationship until he makes the decision to marry her. If he won't agree to that step which is important to her, why should she agree to buy a house which sounds important to him?
We that are married know that marriage is a give and take. In a successful marriage or relationship no one gets their way all the time. It's about communication and a whole lot of compromises. Some little, some BIG.
 
I'm with Larry & Doc on this one.
if they buy the house together, he's got his financial commitment, but she doesn't have the emotional one she wants/needs.
If he's not willing to make that small legal concession, (marriagelicense to formalize what they're already doing) when it means that much to her, then he may not "the one".
Remind your friend that she should never have to "settle" - if she finds herself often saying "he's great...but..." then he may only be "the almost one".

not a fun decision on her part, especially after 3 years, but sending him back to his condo for a month or 2 might be a good way for him to realize how much she means and her to realize how many other areas he's been stifling her. ;)
 
3 years and not sure, wants to buy a house, sound like a wolf in sheeps clothing...........send him back for good, and no chance now to 'make good'. Sounds underhanded to me. Right now he is comfy and has all the benefits, without the commitment................. She needs to find someone worth the time and someone that finds her worth the commitment. Dud alarm going off here.
 
I would have to agree with Danny on this one. There can't be any half-ways stuff anymore........not after this long. Sheesh! If he can't commit after 3 yrs, how long will he keep stringing her along??

If he wants sex and comfort........there're hotels in Vegas that'll provide that. When he's done, he can leave.

Send him home! :glare:
 
American Woman said:
This was sent to me by a friend. Now keep in mind it's real life for her, so give me some sound advice to take back to her.


"I have a women question. So here is the question: I don't really know how to form this question so here it goes. At what point in dating should you know if the person you are dating is the so called "the one".

I believe by two years of dating, you either know if your going to marry this person or not.

So me and my BF have been dating for almost 3 years, and we have lived together for 2 1/2 years. we have a joint checking account and we consider everything as "ours". We have made long term plans and large purchases together. We have had the marriage talk a lot.

From the start of the relationship, I have stated I don't want to buy house together until we are married (he moved into my house, and currently still owns a condo). I also don't want to buy big items such as garages, barns, etc. since we are not married. In my past I have done this with my ex-BF and got burned. So i figure if we are not ready for marriage then we are not ready to commit to buying large items that we can only afford together.

Heres the problem, I know he is the one for me, but I'm not really sure if I am for him. He states he wants to get married "someday". well yeah "someday I want to go to Hawaii". He is ready to commit to buying a house and everything elas, but not to marriage. I don't get it. He is 34 yrs. old, never married, no kids, and has his career. He can not tell me why he is not ready and scaried, but yet he keeps pushing for us to buy a house together.

I have be engaged in the past and I would always put marriage off. I know the reason why I did it, was because I knew they were not right for me. To me after this amount of time dating and living together, shouldn't you know for sure by now? He says he knows for sure I'm the one, and it's just him not being ready and he doesn't know when he will be ready.

I don't want to waste my time. I know that sounds harsh, but I think I deserve to know if this is moving on or not. we are at a stand still right now and someday is no longer working for me. I don't want to keep building a life with someone that can not fully commit."

My advice was why worry about the marriage thing. (I'm an old hippie:rolf2:)
If she got married there would still be a fight over the big stuff if they separated.
Redneck says "there's a difference, and she should send him back to his condo to see what it's like without her." (he makes sense too)
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Marriage is important to her and "if" he has ever listened to her ,he would realize it . They been together long enough by now ,that they should know what they both want from this relationship . Its better to walk away now than to be in a messy divorce later .
That little piece of marriage paper says your committed totally to each other . It tells everyone that you took the final step in proving that committment .
It also gives you legal rights to take care of each other ,should one become ill or sick .

A little separation , staying at his own house and no "nicky" might show his true colors .
As a man it sounds to me that this is a case of " Why buy the cow when the milk is free".
She honestly told him how she felt and he turned around and tried to make her look like she was the unstable one :bonk::bonk::bonk:.

This guy is using her . Time for him to hit the road ...but for some damn reason ,women are always attracted to the shit heads . go figure ...:ermm::glare:
 
AW.....

Tell her to tell him to go home and think about it and call her the next day and let her know what he wants to do. Shite or get off the pot. It seems that she knows what she wants to do.

She's ready to move forward. Truth is she may learn that although he is a nice guy (maybe) and they have commomn interests and they like being together, he isn't "THE ONE" and that's OK.

The Last thing she wants to do is force the issue. Neither one of them would be happy with that. If he walks, she has still had a good time, so to speak, and she can get on with her life.

I got lucky, and not the first time, unfortunately. Maybe that's how it really works. We get lucky enough to find someone who is as interested in making it work as we are. I don't know, but I can tell you that had I planned it, I would have found her the first time.
 
Wow, you guys are a bunch of nice guys. :wub: Your wive I would be very proud of you and your answers.
I have talked to her again and she said they talked and she has given him one year to make a date or break up.....
To me I think she is giving him the same rope he has had for the past 3 years. It's like saying, " ok,:rolleyes: you have one more year to put off making the statement of how much you trust and love me." it's not like it's the first time she has asked him. He will never take her threats serious unless she backs up her threats. Which are just whining at this point. It' like raising kids. You have to back up your threats or they will never take you serious. She is a very nice girl, and attractive too.
 
American Woman said:
Wow, you guys are a bunch of nice guys. :wub: Your wive I would be very proud of you and your answers.
I have talked to her again and she said they talked and she has given him one year to make a date or break up.....
To me I think she is giving him the same rope he has had for the past 3 years. It's like saying, " ok,:rolleyes: you have one more year to put off making the statement of how much you trust and love me." it's not like it's the first time she has asked him. He will never take her threats serious unless she backs up her threats. Which are just whining at this point. It' like raising kids. You have to back up your threats or they will never take you serious. She is a very nice girl, and attractive too.
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If your half the friend I think you are , you sure have her read your last post .Its excellent advice !!!

Hell ,,, have her read all the replys . We don't know who she is ,nor do we care . You told her story and asked a question and a bunch of guys gave you their best thought out answers to the situation .

She better be ready for a miserble life because she is going to get it , by her own actions . I'm betting in 5 years she still be where she is right now , and he will still be getting the milk for free .

If she is a nice girl and pretty too , like you say , I'm sure there are about a million guys that would love to find a girl like her that would want to commit to a relationship and adore her. Even if she is a "plain Jane" there is still about a million guys standing in line !

Christ !!! Is she hung up on his looks or something ??? Hes going to be old and wrinkled someday and she is still going to be hoping ? Is that going to give her comfort when she is old .


Tell her to :

"First find someone that she can love and who will love her even more then sit on the front porch and grow old together enjoying life and whatever challenges it brings their way :wub:".
 
I agree with BigAl, if she gives him a YEAR, it'll never happen. TOOO much can/will happen in a year's time. Time to shit or get off the pot.

Even if she is a "plain Jane" there is still about a million guys standing in line !
Click to expand...

Beauty's only skin deep. It's what's inside that counts, and MATURE people know that.
And there are plenty of MATURE men out there.
 
I have 3 kids. Two girls and a boy. Both girls have gotten married in the past few years and my son plans to be married this coming August. I know these weddings take time to plan. Most take more than a year. Giving him a year means he is two years out from having to commit. I feel for her. It appears she is making the wrong move by giving him this much time and she will suffer more for it later.
I suspect they will buy a house before the wedding.
 
I know this is kind of old fashioned and there will be arguments as to why you should, but... hell they are already living together, joint accounts, etc.. why should he marry her? She has gotten herself into a situation he is getting the best of both worlds. It just makes for a bigger mess if they don't get married and they break up. I know a lot of people think of moving in and joining forces in everything as "testing the waters", but at this point what does he have to gain by getting married?
 
Tractors4u said:
I know this is kind of old fashioned and there will be arguments as to why you should, but... hell they are already living together, joint accounts, etc.. why should he marry her? She has gotten herself into a situation he is getting the best of both worlds. It just makes for a bigger mess if they don't get married and they break up. I know a lot of people think of moving in and joining forces in everything as "testing the waters", but at this point what does he have to gain by getting married?
Click to expand...


Very true...

Now this is ironic. This situation is almost EXACTLY like some friend of ours... except they have been together 10 years and own a company together it it's HER that just won't get married. It's crazy. Everything they have is together, but won't make it legal. I don't get it. Princess and I spent a lot of time and nights together in the year before we were married. We only moved in together about 6 weeks before the wedding because he lease was up. How we did it was perfect for US.

I don't think this one year thing has won her anything. He has another year to keep doing what he is doing. She needs to keep in my that by throwing down this or any other ultimatum she better be ready to have her heart ripped out and stomped on. I think it will happen. She might be better off to let sleeping dogs lie. (pun intended :shifty:)
 
I plan on printing this out for her Al..... She will definitely get a man's point of view. I talked about this over the weekend at work. I treated it like a poll. Out of 23 guys and 9 women.....I got pretty much the same response as I did here.
If it were me....I couldn't help but take it personal if I had to keep asking him to marry me. (or do you love me enough yet?) At some point I would wonder what was wrong with me.
My first thought when she asked me this was it didn't really matter. If they bought a house together legally they could still split it legally if they decided to separate. But after reading these responses (and my poll at work) I think it's more than the material things together. It's her telling him she loves him enough to spend the rest of her life loving him....and him saying he's not ready to say he could do that for her. It's like a slap in the face. She needs to show HIM this.
 
What are the rules up there , if you live with someone here for more than 6 months you are classed as a defacto which means you can (not always will but can) be viewed as a married couple if you split up . That includes splitting property and the likes so after living together for 2 1/2 years he may already be legally in what he's avoiding so might as well make it official ....
 
Around here that's called a "common law" marriage, but you also have to "act married" in that you present yourself as such, maybe go so far as adoptingthe other's last name, etc...
Atone point, and I'm not positive if it's still on the books there or not, the State of Oklahoma had a rule on the books that if an unmarried hetero couple of legal age shared a motel/hotel room under one name, then they were married in the eyes of the state.
 
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