Submitted for your entertainment.

[Bannedjoe]

This all started with a set of self centering drill bits that I thought I'd try.
They were junk, and as always when I receive pure garbage, I'll write a review hoping to save some other schmuck from making the same mistake.

I cannot, (well I suppose I could), count how many times in the last few months and from how many different people I've received this same email, but it's been a lot.

Dear Bannedjoe,
Thank you for purchasing our products. We apologize for your negative comments on the GORCHEN

At the same time, I am very grateful that these comments allow us to correct the existing problems and urge us to develop better.

Comments are very important to us, and we also attach great importance to the comments left by buyers. Based on these comments, we are working hard to improve the product quality and service.,and we are contacting new manufacturers to improve products.

For a shop like ours, a bad review is a fatal blow to us. Could you please forgive me and help me delete the review? If you can, I want to refund ($19) to you to express my gratitude. Please accept my little wish.Thank you.

I've mostly ignored them, until recently I decided to reply to the sender named Jenny, who apparently wished to continue our conversation, followed finally by my spark of creative writing.
Enjoy if you will, at your own risk.

Bannedjoe​	Sat, Apr 10, 8:37 AM (4 days ago)
to Jennie

Dear Jennie,
If you don't like negative reviews, here's a really good idea:
Quit selling shitty products to unsuspecting customers.
Thank you.

Jennie Sullivan​	Apr 12, 2021, 6:22 AM (2 days ago)
to me

Dear, our product has been improved! Thank you very much for your suggestions. We will consider and correct them. We are just a small shop on Amazon. Reviews are very important to us. Bad reviews are really serious for us. I hope you can help me. ! We are just a small shop, and our family depends on it for survival. I beg you to help me, we would be very grateful!

Bannedjoe​	Mon, Apr 12, 6:27 AM (2 days ago)
to Jennie

Dear Jenny,
If your product in question has been improved, I'd suggest you send it to me, I'll try it, and if indeed it works better I'll amend my review.

Jennie Sullivan​	7:11 AM (4 hours ago)
to me

Dear, because the epidemic is very serious now, if we resend the product to you, it will be very troublesome and the receipt of the goods will be very slow. Can I use an Amazon gift card instead( $19 )? Amazon gift cards can buy goods of corresponding value on Amazon! You can re-purchase on Amazon or you can use the money to buy other things, which is more convenient and will receive the goods faster and solve your problems. I hope you can understand us. We are just a small family on Amazon. The shop, our family depends on it for survival, hope you can help us, we will be very grateful! !

Bannedjoe​	Today
to Jennie

Dear Jenny,
I am very sorry to hear that you are unable to send the product that you say has been improved due to it being too troublesome, and due to the seriousness of the pandemic, that shipping would be too slow.
I would then be forced to assume that it would also be troublesome and slow to order any products at all from your small family company.
This then leaves me to believe that your company should not be in business, because it ships too slowly, and finds shipping to be troublesome.

I do understand your position and the damage that can be done from a bad review, because I too have a small family business.
We are professional hinge installers, and after many years of hard work, we have become one of the most sought after, premier hinge installers in the country.
We travel hundreds, and sometimes even thousands of miles to professionally install hinges for our customers.

Recently, we were commissioned to travel to Tristan Da Cunha in the British Overseas Territory to install over 419 hinges in the massive 1000 sqft mansion of Nigerian prince Masamba Mbeki.
To prepare for such an epic journey, and in order to perform our duties to the highest level of marksmanship, we ordered your company's self centering drill bits designed for hinge installation at the very last moment possible as we wanted to have the best and freshest tools available for the job.

As I'm sure you, and everyone in the world knows, Tristan Da Cunha is one of the most remote locations on the planet, and travel to the island must be planned and booked well over a year in advance due to permissions needed to land, and the only landing being by rarely docking ships.
So after much discussion with our travel agent, and endless conversations with the government of Tristan Da Cunha, and Mr Mbeki, we were cleared for admittance.

 

[Bannedjoe]

Our travel began with a 2700 mile series of journeys utilizing planes, trains, and automobiles to reach our departure destination of Cape Cod, where we then boarded a plane traveling 7, 660 miles to Capetown, South Africa to await the arrival of our ship to Tristan Da Cunha.
Sadly, while in South Africa, bicycling to the nearest location to pick up a pizza and a six pack of beer, my wife was attacked and dragged away by savage native cannibals, and she herself, ended up in a pizza during the famous South African celebration of Día de los Muertos.
This was a very disturbing event to say the least.
I will miss her very much, but not nearly as much as our 3 legged, flea infested, blind dog named "Lucky" will.

After informing the authorities, and being laughed out of the local police precinct for reporting such a "common occurance" my team and I spent the next several days tracking down all the pizza leftovers and fecal matter we could locate in the region.
We gathered the boxes, crusts, and any other little bits of her we could find, loaded them on a mule and painstakingly traversed to the top of a volcano where we held a brief, but tear filled ceremony before throwing her in.

On the way down the mountain, a strap on my Crocs broke causing me to lose my footing. I tripped and fell to the ground, with Lucky still in my arms.
It was at that same moment, a Bengal tiger sprang from the bush, grabbed our sweet Lucky by the neck, and while shaking him to death, ran off into the wilderness with him.
After the initial shock wore off, a vote was taken, and by majority, we decided not to look for either the Bengal tiger, his poop, nor any other bits of Lucky, sparing us yet another trip up the side of a fire belching volcano.
The next few days waiting for our ship to arrive were filled with mourning, with all of us doubting we could ever eat pizza again.

Our ship finally arrived, we boarded, and decided to no longer mourn my masticated wife and her stupid fucking dog, because the promise of 100 nigerian bitcoins upon completion of the job, far outweighed the loss of either of them.
The six day boat ride, where mourning was quickly replaced with much merriment, hookers, drinking and vomiting, was enjoyed by all, and everyone got to help pitch in to put the fire out in the engine compartment. (We looked at it as a team building exercise for the up and coming job)

Almost the entire population of Tristan da Cunha turned out to greet us upon our arrival, because never in their entire history had such an accomplished and revered hinge installation company ever graced, nor stepped foot on their tiny remote island to perform their craft, and install hinges for such an important entity.
We were proud and confident knowing that we had the best self centering drill bits in the industry along with us.
5 days of celebration and feasting took place, and by the end of the celebration we were happy that none of us may ever be forced to eat nor fuck another goat ever again, as the entire island had now become completely devoid of the nasty foul smelling creatures.

 

[Bannedjoe]

After a day of rest and recuperation we were led to the mansion to begin our task. When we stepped inside, we were secretly overwhelmed by the number of doors and other openings requiring our specialized services, but again, we felt confident that we were up to the task knowing that we had the very best tools possible on hand.
Not only was Sean Burns, the administrator of Tristan da Cunha on hand, but so was the prince, and many finely skilled woodworkers who had been commissioned to construct the doors that would receive the hinges.

Words cannot describe the anticipation and excitement of the onlookers as we marked the layout for the drilling of the first hinge of many to come.
As I loaded the appropriate sized bit into my trusty high end Ryobi drill, silence fell over the room as the sunlight struck the outer casing of the bit, and showed around the room in stunning brilliance.
Gimmering with pride, I placed the drill containing your bit in the proper position. I pulled the trigger springing the drill motor to life, and completed the first hole, bringing happiness and cheers to all in attendance.
At this point, you cannot even begin to comprehend the disappointment and wailing that commenced when upon the execution of the next submergence of your drill bit, the outer case failed completely, refusing to allow the bit to emerge.
I smiled, looked back, and feigned my response that all was alright, and that this was normal with a brand new bit, even though I knew otherwise.
I calmly removed the bit system from the chuck, and while trying to hide my embarrassment, the drill bit fell out of its casing falling to the floor along with the spring and other internal components.
There was no way I could squelch the horror and fear exhibited by my team, and I myself began to tremble as I saw the sleeves of the onlookers being rolled up.

Fearing for my life, and the lives of my staff, I fell to my knees and began looking for the fallen parts. My employees also joined in.
We found the drill bit, the shaft, casing, and set screw, but the spring had rolled and bounced away and was nowhere to be found.
My heart sank as I realized we wouldn't be able to complete the job we had traveled so far and long at great cost to accomplish. The entire journey was for not, leaving me broke, having spent over $300,000 dollars in travel and lodging expenses for myself and my crew.

As the reality and severity of the situation became obvious to those in charge, we were escorted rather rudely, (and without opportunity to gather our belongings) to the dock hence where we had been joyfully greated, and forced by knifepoint onto a small leaky speed boat named "The Minnow" where we were cast off with no fuel, and spent the next 3 hours floundering at sea. (A mission that was now lost)

To make a long story short, we were eventually rescued, and after 37 days abroad, finally returned home dejected, embarrassed, and distraught, not to mention financially ruined.

The following day a coworker came to my soon to be foreclosed on home showing me a devastatingly horrible review written on Angie's list as well as one written on yelp.
That was it for us! We are done for good because of those reviews.

So whereas I understand the effects of a brutally honest bad review, and your wish to have the blemish removed as though it never happened, your desperate attempt to get me to remove mine by offering me a lousy $19 Amazon giftcard really doesn't add up to fuckall now, does it?

Sincerely,
Bannedjoe

 

[Melensdad]

Well I am amused. So thank you.

It is frustrating to deal with stuff like that.