What The Hell Happened?!

p3n9u!n5

New member
In middle school, the little I endured of high school and absolutely the two years of trade school (as a female in a male-dominated industry) I was THAT girl. The girl who actually stood up for other women, made an effort to put aside insecurities and esteem issues to empower other women. I pep-talked girls that had dirtbag boyfriends and wouldn't sugar-coat any part of telling a chick how she was being mistreated or walked on. I wouldn't DREAM of putting up with any ridiculous level of B.S. from ANYBODY but especially not from .... <dramatic gasp> a GUY. I was the girl that wouldn't talk a single bad word about you to anyone but WOULD without question or hesitation 'lose your number' if you did something way out of pocket or showed any consistent type of disrespect. I had standards, not unrealistic ones or snobby ones. I was absolutely not full of myself or high maintenance. I just had a solid standard for the respect and decency I I felt I deserved. And if you didn't meet those standards, no hard feelings, but... Go kick rocks.

So... Imagine my surprise when suddenly, out of nowhere, it's an ENTIRE DECADE later and not only am I on the other side of that coin... But I don't have a single iota of a shred of that girl left in me... ANYWHERE.

I am creeping into year 5 of a relationship with a man that I am ridiculously, blindly and unconditionally in love with. Which sounds like a good thing, and could very well be....

If he felt anywhere near the way I do.

I'll stop you right there, cause you're probably thinking... So... leave him. Duh.

Here's the thing. He SAYS, over and over and over, with sometimes rather convincing emphasis in the right places that he does too. However... I am caught in this tangled mess of WTF and overcooked noodles or something equally ridiculous because his actions and his words do not always (realistically more like [almost never]) coincide with one another.

Being the highly intelligent individual I am, I can see where the big problem in that lies. Big giant flaw-logic going on there. I had this amazing epiphany a couple of years ago. It goes something like this:

When one feels obligated, they FIND time.
When one feels desire, they MAKE time.
When one feels neither, they have NO time.

So... Armed with the knowledge of my great epiphany... I make excuse after excuse after excuse about why there isn't any time for me. (Unless it is 100% on his terms and when MY terms are not even hinted at, and in fact I must dismantle every shred of dignity and self respect I have, go against all the moral strongholds I tried to put in place... Those remnants of those archaic 'standards' I once had such a great many of....)

I am, by "college me"... a pathetic, shameful welcome mat. He walks up one side of me and down the other, taking advantage of every piece of me possible, like his little puppet... Everytime I tell myself THIS TIME, enough is enough... But every time, I fucking dance for him... I have no inner strength when it comes to him. Things I wouldn't and cannot FATHOM as anywhere NEAR acceptable from ANY OTHER PERSON ON EARTH goes right on by with some kind of justification and excuse as kosher with him.

It doesn't help that he's RIDICULOUSLY good looking. I'm telling you this man sweats sexy. (No joke, when he's dirty and sweaty from work, it's like... aphrodisiac-pheromone laced and intoxicating hypno-poison.) And I shit you not, he gets hotter every single damn day.

He is a very kind and very sweet person... To nearly everyone. And he was to me for awhile. Very much so. He was my Knight in Shining Armor. He's got the smile that literally makes every woman in the room go weak in the knees. His laugh is the right amount of cute and masculine... Other men naturally have a not cocky envy of him and look up to him in an almost patriarchal way. He's very talented and excels at just about anything he lays his hands on. (Carpentry, auto-body, drywall, masonry, concrete, auto mechanics, welding... I literally could go on forever.)

He's the Barbecue Grill MASTER. He has had countless eight-ball breaks on our pool table and is a far superior player than everyone we've come across so far in eight ball. He's got amazing taste in jewelry (I have the most gorgeous ring to prove it.) He rides the sexiest bike on the planet. He has natural metronome-status rhythm. He is the most successful and enthusiastic hunter I've ever seen (modern firearms and archery)...

I mean... I'm not kidding. This man is gifted at.... everything.

Okay so he SUCKS at Scrabble, I can kick his ass up the street and down two more twice over any day of the week.
And he doesn't understand the concept behind crossword puzzles and spews the most bizarre suggestions out that make me really wonder sometimes.

But everyone LOVES him. Adores him. I see all the fantastic things that they do. They are out there to be seen, who wouldn't?

But they DON'T see what I see. The Hyde and Jekyll.

He's so outwardly AMAZING (and is in so many, many ways) that nobody would believe me if I did have the courage to try to tell them about any of this. He's the only (very premature at birth IN THE 70's!) child of two still married, old-school, traditional/Christian/Uber-Conservative folks... Who have bailed him out of every ounce of possible trouble he may have ever had to face for his ENTIRE life. (He lives in the house next door to his parent's house. The house he grew up in. He's been on the same effing BLOCK for 4 and half decades.) Having seen things from the inside, the hands-down without question most unattractive thing about him is the 45 year old umbilical cord still dragging around behind his mommy. No joke. She pays his property taxes. Writes his checks. Pays his bills. Checks OUR mail. SCHEDULES HIS DENTIST APPOINTMENTS. Calls him six times the night before to remind him. Comes over twice and rings the doorbell incessantly until he answers the door to REMIND HIM ABOUT HIS DENTIST APPOINTMENT. And.... (you just can't make this shit up) when he comes back with a good report card from the dentist, Mommy and Daddy give him a crisp new $5 bill. HE'S FUCKING ALMOST FIFTY YEARS OLD.

Once, he did a great big fat bong rip of some stupid corner-store pseduo-weed shit and it caused him immediate and extreme paranoia that resulted in him JUMPING OUT of an absolutely still-closed double paned window and onto the ground outside. He was ripped to shreds on one side of his body and his face was mangled. The injuries were so intense that for a brief period they induced a coma to allow parts of his body to make an attempt at recovery. In the interim, his parents (who naturally have the house key, the spare, the alarm code, garage key, hideakey, etc and WILL enter at will WHENEVER) went into the house and find the weird drugs and the bong he smoked it out of and pieced it all together. (This was before I met him, mind you.) And, as responsible and good parents SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT DO, they swept that nasty little dust bunny right under the rug.... WAY down in there and made a decision to ignore, without compromise of any sort that this event took place at all. A year or so before the window incident, he was once HAMMERED drunk and in a very very nice old classic car... And, as impaired drivers are prone to doing, he kissed a fire hydrant with the front end, totaled the beautiful car and was fast-tracked right into his first trip to jail, DUI, etc.... EXCEPT... It was less than a block and a half from his house... So, as every good mother should once again NOT DO, he flees the scene to get his mommy to come to the scene in place of him and told the cops that she had been driving, and only 'went home to tell her husband what had happened'... Yada yada yada. Seriously. Threw his own mother into that cluster.... And what's worse is that SHE WENT ALONG WITH IT. Aye aye.

This is substantially more than I wanted to gush out about this, but I guess once I began rolling I couldn't quit.

So the bottom line, the point I'm trying to make is...

Up to this point, NOBODY has been able to talk some sense into me. NOT A SINGLE ONE. Not the POLICE OFFICERS who went in with a 12 man SWAT team to arrest him after he attempted to kill me, (not a joke, it really happened), not my parents, my best friend, any one of my many, many siblings, strangers, church members, ex boyfriends, other REALLY AMAZING people with their shit TOTALLY together.... NOBODY... has been successful at any type of getting through to me. And it seems like this should be really cut and dry, you know.

I guess I am just incredibly and stupidly desperate. No kidding, really bitch? I'm pouring all this shit out to potentially a bazillion fucking people I've never met who don't give a flying rat fuck about whatever crazy nonsense I got going on... If that doesn't ooze desperation at it's most pathetic, I have no clue what does.

There's no way anyone's still going to be reading this horseshit. But in case you do.... Somebody, somewhere... Talk some goddamn sense into me. Or get me to understand that this is all my choosing and that I am doing it to myself and shut up because it's my own fault that I'm sitting here with this mess in the first place.

Or something.

Just something. I'm getting tired. Like... the kind of tired that all the sleep in the world wouldn't hold a flame to in the slightest.

I'm barely fucking 30...

It can't be this way, really, can it? I had such high hopes... Such awesome standards. I was the cool mechanic chick with confidence and... you get it.

Tired...
 

FrancSevin

Proudly Deplorable
GOLD Site Supporter
Mommy's boys are the worst. Sorry to tell you, I know. My son is one of them. Can't keep a woman 'cause Mommy comes first. Any time something happens, instead of looking to you for support and help, he will look to her first. Everytime.

When the sh!t hits the fan he will throw you under the bus.
100% guarantee!
I don't care how great he is otherwise, You are not the love of his life.

If you want to be happy,,,; Run.
 
Last edited:

Ceee

Active member
Up to this point, NOBODY has been able to talk some sense into me. NOT A SINGLE ONE. Not the POLICE OFFICERS who went in with a 12 man SWAT team to arrest him after he attempted to kill me, (not a joke, it really happened), not my parents, my best friend, any one of my many, many siblings, strangers, church members, ex boyfriends, other REALLY AMAZING people with their shit TOTALLY together.... NOBODY... has been successful at any type of getting through to me. And it seems like this should be really cut and dry, you know.

Many women who stay in that kind of relationship are suffering from low self-esteem. They don't think they're good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough to find another partner. For some women, it makes them feel better about themselves to be seen with a good looking and sexy man. Some women just thrive on the drama associated with that type of relationship.

That is not a normal relationship, and you can do better. Just get out now.

Since nobody has been able to convince you that your current relationship is bad news, I suggest you get some professional counseling. If he attempts to kill you again, you just might be taken away from that situation in a black bag. I know that sounds harsh, but it happens all the time.

Get some help!
 

Lenny

Well-known member
SUPER Site Supporter
Many women who stay in that kind of relationship are suffering from low self-esteem. They don't think they're good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough to find another partner. For some women, it makes them feel better about themselves to be seen with a good looking and sexy man. Some women just thrive on the drama associated with that type of relationship.

That is not a normal relationship, and you can do better. Just get out now.

Since nobody has been able to convince you that your current relationship is bad news, I suggest you get some professional counseling. If he attempts to kill you again, you just might be taken away from that situation in a black bag. I know that sounds harsh, but it happens all the time.

Get some help!
Good post! I've never had any kids but a young lady "adopted" me as her uncle because I was like a mentor to her. I insisted she finish college because I wanted her to be self-reliant for her confidence and in case something happened to her relationship she would have something to fall back on.
 

FrancSevin

Proudly Deplorable
GOLD Site Supporter
…......I guess I am just incredibly and stupidly desperate. No kidding, really bitch? I'm pouring all this shit out to potentially a bazillion fucking people I've never met who don't give a flying rat fuck about whatever crazy nonsense I got going on... If that doesn't ooze desperation at it's most pathetic, I have no clue what does.

There's no way anyone's still going to be reading this horseshit. But in case you do.... Somebody, somewhere... Talk some goddamn sense into me. Or get me to understand that this is all my choosing and that I am doing it to myself and shut up because it's my own fault that I'm sitting here with this mess in the first place. …...


First, you are not stupid.
Secondly, there are people who DO give a f*ck
Thirdly, yes your post does reek of desperation. However, that is not a bad thing. It is in, fact,, a good thing. It means your soul has a flashing red light and is telling you to stop the insanity of continuing your situation. It will not resolve itself. I'm betting you know what to do but resist making that decision.

We end up in life based on all the little decisions we make. With a lover/friend/mate, those decisions are small daily acts of love and friendship. Bids, in reality, each in themselves an investment in what should be a good thing. When an investment goes bad we tend to hang on In hopes the bad baggage will return to goodness.

Nothing wrong with that feeling. Unless and until it makes you feel personally desperate. It sounds like you are there. There is always fear in the process of breaking a relationship. One has to ask, what do you fear in leaving the situation? Process that until you understand, and then work to resolve the fear.

He now represents nothing of value to your future. So, take HIM out of the equation. I would suggest your fear of the "after" is your real impediment. Resolve your fear and overcome it. That is the way out.
 
Last edited:

MNwr786

Member
Sounds like you require the wisdom of a psychologist and he needs the attention of a psychiatrist.

As a starting place for any relationship advice I give: Both of you should take Myers-Briggs personality test to better understand yourself and each other.

But, before getting into that, I am curious as to the details of "He tried to kill me". Was this him actually trying to end your life (and, if I may ask, how)? Or, was he acting out of rage and, in a desperate attempt to attain your compliance, wrongfully utilize violence to affect his desired outcome? Not condoning the latter, but there is a big difference between attempted murder and abuse. Your decision moving forward should hinge on an honest evaluation of what happened. Remember, hormones in the body are just as mood altering as the best stuff on the dark web. If he actually wanted you dead, you need to leave him immediately. If he has issues managing his anger and emotions, there is treatment for that if he wishes to confront the issue for you. Was that behavior a one time incident or is it a common occurrence? Everyone here who has seen over a decade of marriage knows exactly what can happen when desires are ignored, when too much time is spent together, and what years of getting used to each other can do to ones verbal output filter.

If he is not usually violent, this paragraph will likely not apply. Does he have a criminal record for assault? People with violent tendencies often repeat their violent behavior. Of these types of people, IMO there are two groups. The first know its an issue and treat it, the other group unaware or unconcerned with their behavior. The latter group I would recommend you avoid. People with a diagnosed condition and willing to take care of it can often be decent, hard working people that live normal lives.

But if I had to guess....
I an going to assume that the "attempted murder" was something other than him simply wanting you dead. In the first paragraph I mentioned the Myers-Briggs test. If you have never heard of it, this test (available online) will tell you more about yourself than you could ever have realized. The ridiculous questions that therapists often ask, the ones that make everyone mad due to their lack of apparent relevance, those questions matter! My (multiple) tests tell me that I am between INFJ and INFP-T. The first letter in the Myers-Briggs system is either I or E, which stands for Introvert or Extrovert. Simply put, do you prefer relaxing in quiet settings or are you more stimulated by social environments like bars and clubs? Ill skip the details, check out one of the countless youtube channels that explains the test and what it all means. Once you tell yourself that "there is no way a test can tell me more about me than I already know", give it a try and see if you were right :) Just make sure you are 100% honest. Only you see the result/answers and it will only have meaning if you answer honestly. If your answers reflect who you want others to see you as, as opposed to answering honestly to yourself, the whole thing is pointless.

So now that you have an idea what makes you socially "tick", get him to go through the process too. Sit down and go over your results with each other. The results don't have to match, this isn't a "compatibility test". Sometimes having diversity between your personalities can be used to benefit. It's just to better understand the why's and what for's our decisions are based on.

The mommy thing. As others have mentioned above, that's a bit extreme. I have both extremes in my family (I am one of them). Some moved far away and rarely make contact and some live on the same road. Here's my insight into that. Family is important. It could be that his mom is simply very caring and unaware her actions are detrimental to his development as a responsible adult. Have you approached his mom with your concerns? You could point out to her (privately) that you would like to see him take on more responsibility (without making her actions seen unappreciated or reminding her she will eventually die). She needs to be respectfully asked (not told, even though that seems more appropriate) to "sour the milk". I am sure she will respond well, surprised initially, but she will end up respecting your wishes (and you) with respect equal to what you approach the conversation with. Some people are fortunate enough to always have the support of nearby family, likewise, some people are, IMO, equally fortunate to have been engrained with the sense of self-reliance out of necessity. I think both should be viewed as a blessing as much as an asset. Without the closeness I have to my family, I would not be blessed with a share of their wisdom or their experiences, and I would also be unable to share in their heartache and hard times and help whenever I could. Closeness to family does not exclusively represent dependence. You are in a position to influence this dynamic without attempting to outright interrupt it. I suggest you carefully consider what it is you want and effectively communicate your concerns in a distraction-free environment (with him and her).

A final thought, many relationships fail due to uncommunicated/ignored sexual desires (which only lasts if you don't believe in divorce). But because there are some great depression survivors that made it purely on faith present, I will not suggest having a contest who can come up with the dirtiest ideas and then to go try them.

Summary:
1-assess whether he is (truly) a killer psycho
2-assess whether he has violent tendencies and if they are being professionally addressed
3-learn what makes each of your personalities tick (ie. what shapes your interactions with others)
4-try to equally make compromises regarding each others interests, private and social desires
5-talk to mom about the milk
6-and if all that fails and you remain unhappy in your situation, you will then have a REASON to walk away, and with said reason, doubt will not haunt you through the breakup process as it is right now.
 
Top