Life/Death Question

[mtntopper]

I am currently in a situation with my father being 93 and quickly fading with congestive heart failure. We are going through all of the cycles of not knowing and knowing. He was given 2 days about 12 days ago. We were fortunate to be able to say our goodbyes at that time. He improved slightly and has been transferred from the hospital in Billings to a nursing home closer to the family in Wyoming. He is not improving and it is just a matter of time.

My question to the other forum members, is it easier to know that the end is near and be able to say your goodbyes while watching a loved one slowly go? Or, is it best for all concerned to just fall asleep and never wake up while in a mostly healthy condition as you age? I will not even try to answer my own question at this time as my emotions overcome most reason when facing this situation.

 

[bczoom]

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. You're in a tough situation. Hang in there and I'm wishing all the best for you and your family.

My question to the other forum members, is it easier to know that the end is near and be able to say your goodbyes while watching a loved one slowly go? Or, is it best for all concerned to just fall asleep and never wake up while in a mostly healthy condition as you age?

I'm not sure I understand your question.
Are you asking whether in general the person passing (whomever it is) would prefer to just pass without notice or whether it's preferred to have time to say your good-byes and such.

If that's the question, I don't know if we really get a choice. If you pass while sleeping "in a mostly healthy condition", I assume you don't know your end has come and therefore don't even have the option.

My preference would be to have time to say my good-byes.

Last year, both my Mom and my wife's Mom were given the "you have 24-48 hours left" from the doctors. It did give all the family a chance to visit and speak with them "one last time". In my case, it gave my mother and I a chance to discuss/resolve some long time issues which also helped. I know, we should have done that years ago... In general, it was good for all to have that last chance. It also provides an opportunity to provide any last minute preparations or information (like where you buried all the $$$).

Oh, BTW... Both my Mom and my wife's Mom are both still alive and have "miraculously" gone through a recovery of sorts. They travel and do all kinds of things to the level (if not more so) then before they were given notice their time has come.

 

[dzalphakilo]

Thank God you're able to say what you need to be said while he's alive.

But, if the quality of life of the person you love deteriorates sp? to the point where life is not worth living, I'd rather the person I love die a quick death, and I'll catch up with them when it's my time.

Sounds like your father did a good job with you. Be thankful and only hope you have a son/daughter/family like yourself when it's your time to meet your father again.

 

[XeVfTEUtaAqJHTqq]

I have no great insight. But you have my support. It's got to be a tough thing to go through. I've seen all my Grandparents go in my adult years and some were more graceful than others.

It's times like these were it's important to look back on the lifetime of memories than to dwell on the trajedy of the event.

 

[Melensdad]

Bill, not sure I have any insight in this but I have my own stories.

My dad died of congestive heart failure about 14 years ago, he was in the hospital 2 or 3 times for short durinations during his last 6 months. But when the end came he was in the hospital for about a week progressively getting weaker until there was only enough energy in his body to breath and move blood, he was basically asleep for the last 2 or 3 days. It was hard, but I was fortunate that I talked with my dad every day for the last year or two of his life and we said everything there was to say.

Now in contrast, mom died of cancer, and it took her well over a year to die. She was actually in a hospital in Chicago when dad died in the local hospital in Indiana so we had to get her out of the Chicago hospital to take her to the funeral. Mom's death was very difficult for us as it dragged on for a long time. Dad, in comparison, went pretty quickly.

We just lost my uncle a month ago. He was in the hospital but doing very very well, joking with people, watching TV, etc. The doctors told us he would be released to go home the next day. Well that didn't happen as he took a turn for the worse that same evening. I got a call in the morning that he was not going to make it. He essentially died about 2:30pm that day, but was on a respirator that was keeping him breathing and had a pacemaker that kept his heart pumping at a minimal level. A decision was made to keep him on the machines until we could get his 2 grandsons to the hospital, they lived in the same town and were being picked up from the middle school to be brought to the hospital. So the official time of death was after 3pm. Personally I think his death was a shock to the family, but he was also an unhealthy person and I think people knew he could have died pretty much anytime, any day. It just happened that particular day.

My father in law died a few years ago. He went into the hospital on a Thursday with a back ache and his funeral was less than a week later. He died of lung cancer. Nobody had a clue he had it. He was healthy in every other way. It was a total shock to the family when he died. Nobody expected him to die.

My mother in law died a couple years ago. She suffered from advanced MS and had other complications. Her death was not a shock, she simply declined over 20 years. As ready as the family was for her death, there was really no getting ready for it. It seemed like everyone knew she was sick, and it was just part of her life, so nobody expected in on any given day. I think her death was still hard on her children despite her ill health and despite the fact that everyone knew was declining.

 

[DaveNay]

My grandfather died 20 years ago this June. He was dieing for the previous 20 years before that. He was a pipefitter and smoker his entire life, and suffered from emphyzema and asbestos poisoning. I never ever knew him as a health person. For the last 5 years of his life, he was on 100% oxygen, and almost completely bed ridden.

I guess I would have to say that a quick, but not sudden (car wreck) decline would afford the most opportunity to make your peace.

As Brian said, wuality of life is important, and my grandfather had certainly declined to the point where his quality of life was non-existant. Looking back with the perfect vision of hindsight and maturity, I can say it was actually a relief to the entire family when he died.

 

[Melensdad]

As Brian said, wuality of life is important, and my grandfather had certainly declined to the point where his quality of life was non-existant. Looking back with the perfect vision of hindsight and maturity, I can say it was actually a relief to the entire family when he died.

I'd also have to say that with both my mother and my mother in law, the quality of life was nil, and as Dave wrote, in retrospect, their deaths were in some way a relief to the family. At the time it was hard, after the fact, it was, to some degree, a blessing.

 

[NorthernRedneck]

My question to the other forum members, is it easier to know that the end is near and be able to say your goodbyes while watching a loved one slowly go? Or, is it best for all concerned to just fall asleep and never wake up while in a mostly healthy condition as you age? I will not even try to answer my own question at this time as my emotions overcome most reason when facing this situation.

First, my thoughts and prayers are with you are your family. Now, my response to this very heavy question: When you're at an age like that, I know from personal experience that it is often easier on the family if they don't suffer and "go in their sleep".

My grandfather had diabetes. His diabetes was so bad it affected everything in his body. First, his circulation started being affected. We helplessly sat by for a few years and watched as one by one, his toes started turning black. They ended up amputating one toe at a time over the span of two years. Then, he ended up having his left leg amputated just below the knee. At the same time, he ended up going blind. It affected his internal organs and eventually, he passed on due to kidney failure. We watched him suffer for over 10 years with his illness with the whole family by his side. My great grandfather(who was still living alone and driving and all at 93), wanted to drive himself from Nova Scotia to Northwestern Ontario for the funeral. We ended up convincing him that this was not a good idea. Only two weeks later, he passed away in his sleep.

It was allot harder on the whole family going through my grandfather's illness and being there to watch him pass on. When my great grandfather passed two weeks later, it was more of a sense of releif. We knew that he did not suffer through an illness like my grandfather. It still hurt but not as much as watching a loved one dying before your eyes over span of a few years.

 

[Glenn9643]

My question to the other forum members, is it easier to know that the end is near and be able to say your goodbyes while watching a loved one slowly go? Or, is it best for all concerned to just fall asleep and never wake up while in a mostly healthy condition as you age?

My wife has been battling cancer for several years, and steadily losing ground. In January we were told that there was nothing else that could be done, and that she probably had six months left.
One of the most difficult things has been her inability to do the things that she loved to do around the house in in the gardens. She has been fortunate in that the physicians have been able to control the pain pretty well, but the feeling that you're on your way out of this world and can't really find anything to enjoy while you're here has been difficult for her and me.
I hope that I'm able to live and die as my grandfather did... He sat down by the fire to warm a bit before going out to feed the cows one morning and died of a massive heart attack, 78 years old I believe. And able to live doing what he enjoyed until the last day.

 

[working woman]

[
My question to the other forum members, is it easier to know that the end is near and be able to say your goodbyes while watching a loved one slowly go? Or, is it best for all concerned to just fall asleep and never wake up while in a mostly healthy condition as you age?


Are you asking is it better to go unexpectedly or whats known as a long death? I have been told the long death is harder on the family/spouse than the "quick" one. But sometimes I wonder.

I had a "life lesson" about 13 yrs ago. I was working at a bank at the time. One of my co workers/friend was killed in a freak accident (a storm came up and she was pulling out of a parking space and a tree fell on her van. Killing her instantly.) She left behind a husband and two sons, and was only in her 40's.
At her funeral, her husband's best friend gave the eulogy. He had known Jan very well through her husband. Kind of like the brother/sister deal. There is one thing that the friend said that I took to heart. He had said in all the years he had known Jan he had never told her he loved her, and he was sorry for that. He wound up telling her at her funeral.

I say a life lesson because up until I heard this man speak the only person I would say I love you/love you to was my husband. Never to a friend, sibling or my own parents.

4 1/2 years ago my late husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Fortuantley we had a good marriage, so when it was his time to go we really didnt feel the need to "get things off our chest" , or say how much we loved each other. We both knew how each other felt. If for some reason my husband and I were on the "outs" with each other (i would get totally ingored for a couple of days until I would finally look at him and say, If something happened and I were killed today how would you feel about yourself?

What I am saying in a long winded way is the way I live my life right now I take none of my friends or family for granted. I tell all of them either by my actions or verbly saying that I love them. I have the peace of mind that if any of them passed away tomorrow I would not have to say to my self that I wished I had said or done that. I would already know that that person died knowing how I felt.

 

[working woman]

My wife has been battling cancer for several years, and steadily losing ground. In January we were told that there was nothing else that could be done, and that she probably had six months left.

Glen, I am really sorry, and I think it is safe to say I know what you are going through. I often said as I watched my husband lose his battle with cancer I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

 

[NorthernRedneck]

This subject is really hitting home to me. My remaining grandfather was just diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday. I am very close to my grandparents having spent more time at their house growing up than at my own house. I'm in a turmoil right now. I don't want him to suffer any more than he already has. He's lost close to 40 lbs since x-mas. I just don't know what to think right now. I am going over to his house very shortly to make sure he knows he's loved by his family.

I'll say one for your father and ask that you say one for my grandfather.

p.s. my b-day tomorrow........nice birthday present finding out that one of the people I looked up to all my life is dying.

 

[ImInnocent]

Re: Life/Death lesson

is it easier to know that the end is near and be able to say your goodbyes while watching a loved one slowly go?

After reading that post, the first thing that came to mind is:
(a) some survivors say how distressing it is to unexpectedly and suddenly lose a loved one without ever getting the chance to not only say goodbye, but especially, not being able to say all the things that were left unsaid. Those survivors are, more than often, consumed with shock, grief, and then guilt.

(b) survivors who are able to be with and support their loved one are able to say/share everything to/with their dying loved one; but we never hear those survivors complain of the lingering guilt and pain from leaving things 'left unsaid'.


I wouldn't say it's going to be easier for you but, in the long run it will be better for you and your dad for sharing those last precious moments.

 

[NorthernRedneck]

This subject is really hitting home to me. My remaining grandfather was just diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday. I am very close to my grandparents having spent more time at their house growing up than at my own house. I'm in a turmoil right now. I don't want him to suffer any more than he already has. He's lost close to 40 lbs since x-mas. I just don't know what to think right now. I am going over to his house very shortly to make sure he knows he's loved by his family.

.

I know this sounds cruel but I'd rather get the news that someone I love has gone in their sleep then watching them widdle away down to nothing. It's not a pleasant experience to go through what we're going through right now. To watch him go from living a full life and being reasonably healthy to basically shirvelling up in the hospital. And, knowing that there's nothing anyone can do but sit there and watch him die for 1-2 months. As for the excuse that you don't get to say to that person what you've been wanting to say before he/she goes, I figure that if he doesn't know how we feel about him by now, he never will.

 

[jwstewar]

I agree with most of the other saying it is easier for them to just pass in their sleep. Just had a very close Uncle pass from brain cancer. Had a biopsy done and then a blood clot stopped the heart for about 20 seconds. They restarted it, but he never regained consciousness. He lingered on for 2 weeks. They decided on Monday to pull the life support on Thursday to give antibiotics for the pneumonia a chance to work. Last week was the longest week ever and the shortest week ever all at the same time. Thursday they pulled that out and they stopped all forms of support - no liquids or nutrients only pain medicine. Yesterday at 12:10 AM they pronounced him dead. This would have been easier had it they not had to go through the surgeries and the life support, but it would have been easier as well when they pulled the ventilator had he just gone this as we all expected it then. Then he "survived" and my Aunt actually got her hopes up for them to be dashed again and to start the grieving process over. How many times can you go through saying the tearful goodbyes?

This whole ordeal has been so hard on my Aunt and cousins. I only wish they or no one else every had or has to go through this.

 

[NorthernRedneck]

My question to the other forum members, is it easier to know that the end is near and be able to say your goodbyes while watching a loved one slowly go? Or, is it best for all concerned to just fall asleep and never wake up while in a mostly healthy condition as you age? I will not even try to answer my own question at this time as my emotions overcome most reason when facing this situation.

Going through this right now! My grandfather was just admitted to the hospital on Friday for the last time. It's jsut a matter of days, if not hours, before he passes. He was just diagnosed with lung cancer two months ago. After watching someone I love going from a fairly healthy, active person, to being bed-ridden in a short span, I would have to say that I would prefer he would have passed on quickly. I have gone through this already with my other grandfather watching him fade away over a period of ten years with diabetes.It is much harder to focus on anything lately knowing that someone in my family is suffering and there's nothing I can do about it but help make his last days and comfortable as possible. Emotions are running high with everyone in my family right now. We're at a stage where we would be almost happy to get a phone call saying that he has passed.

 

[ddrane2115]

I think working woman hit it best........never leave a conversation or a person wondering how you feel.

Ok, experiences.........Father/Dad, dodged 3 bullets with congestive heart failure in the year before he died. On Dec 31, 2003 he was in the hospital, been there since the 26th of Dec. His family was with him and he was sort of joking etc. My brother in heart and my dad's neighbor came in and dad knew him! Great, dad could recognize people.......Next day at 10 a.m. we get a call from my sis in law, get to the hospital, he was leaving this life to life everlasting.............10 minutes later my mom calls that dad has died...........I wont go into my beliefs of life after death, but while I miss my dad very much, I know he is not in a wheelchair and not hurting. My real brother and sister dont understand how I can not still be 'greiving'.

My older brother died almost 20 years ago with a heart attack..........gone in one day........that was a bit tougher.

Personally, I would love to go in my sleep, but with my luck that wont happen.