This is amazingly bizarre. Below is an email from a park official at Yellowstone, he sent it to 3 people in the Snowmobile industry. It is a joke, but teh question arrises should a park official, who determines land use, have this sort of attitude? He also insults the state of Montana several times.
The complete message sent by John Sacklin:
Subject: A modest solution
To: EKlim@aol.com, cwright@arcticcatinc.com, Jim_Vizanko@yamaha-motor.com
From: John_Sacklin@nps.gov
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 09:05:04 -0700
This came to us a while back, and we hope you find this as entertaining as we did...
A MODEST SOLUTION
Montanans appear to have a propensity for shooting things. We shoot animals, and we shoot road signs, power line insulators, old cars on the prairie, twelve-ounce prairie dogs, other peoples’ dogs, low flying planes, and sometimes we even shoot other Montanans. Now, however, we feel the need to shoot Yellowstone’s bison too. This, however, has caused some uneasiness and some people even feel it is damaging Montana’s image. Thus, we need a different outlet and I think I have the solution.
Let’s have an annual snowmobile hunt in and around Yellowstone Park! The logic of it is inescapable. First, snowmobiles are largely exotic entities, not native to Montana. Most are made in Godless foreign countries, like Japan or Canada or Michigan. One of the concerns is that exotic non-native machines might drive native species, like 375 hp Chevy, GMC and Ford pickups with Big Sky mud flaps into extinction (although, in fairness, the GMCs appear to be going extinct anyway). But, if we lose the Chevies and Fords too, a habitat vacuum will occur and we will be seeing puny Volvos and Yugos, driven by folks with poofy hair who drink wine and bottled water, threatening our way of life. That makes snowmobiles a natural for a hunt. At present, no data exist to support this idea that non-native snowmobiles may cause more non-native vehicles and wine drinking drivers with poofy hair from invading the region, but the Montana Department of Livestock employs a Blackfoot medicine man who throws bones, who says that there is a 7% probability that this will happen. That’s good enough for me!
We are not a bunch of red-necked miscreants out here, with a complete disdain for authority, like our Wyoming neighbors, so this hunt must have some reasonable regulations. First, the season may run from December 1 through February 28 and no snowmobiles may be taken outside that season. Snowmobiles must have snow and shooting them on blacktop surfaces, car trailers, or mobile home driveways would be like shooting geese on their nests. No sport. Seventy-five percent of the licenses shall be reserved for residents of Montana, who, after all, have exclusive ownership of Yellowstone Park. The other twenty-five percent shall be allotted to foreigners from the other red states; no licenses shall be allotted for residents of blue states.
The number of licenses allotted annually shall be determined by a special board consisting of members of the Montana Cattleman’s Association, the Butte Chamber of Commerce and Conrad Burns’ reelection campaign staff, and based on good science and current population data. With 700 snowmobiles permitted to roam Yellowstone daily, that amounts to approximately 63,000 per season. I’m not sure what natural mortality rates are for these machines, but based on historic deer management philosophies, about one-third of the herd should be harvested each year. That would translate into the need to harvest 21,000 snowmobiles annually. Considering a hunter success rate of 85%, that translates into 24,706 licenses per year (the old hunter success rate was 15%, but the recent legislation banning open containers in vehicles has raised that rate significantly).
The licenses shall be allotted by computer drawing. Residents shall fill out an application, which consists of a sheet of paper from a Big Chief lined school tablet and an orange crayon, and if they are successful in the drawing, they shall pay a license fee of $50. Non-residents shall pay an application fee of $7,000 (non-refundable) and if they are drawn, a license fee of $75,000, all of which shall go to the Butte Chamber of Commerce. Successful hunters may not reapply for a license for a period of 25 years or until they have earned a GED diploma, whichever occurs first.
The economics of a snowmobile hunt are enormous. Consider 18, 530 resident licenses at $50 bucks a shot and you have $926,475 dollars in revenue. Now add to that 6,176 non-resident licenses at $75,000 (plus the non-refundable $7,000 application fee) and you have another $5,064,320, for a grand total of some where just short of six million bucks. After administrative fees have been taken out by the Butte Chamber of Commerce, the state stands to make about $2,450, which is enough to pay the Governor for two terms and still run the Montana University System for a year. And, none of that even considers the money spent by the hunters on transportation, hotels, bordellos, Lewis and Clark bourbon, bordellos, ammunition, gas for their 375 hp Chevies and Fords, bordellos, extra bill caps, or NRA bumper stickers that read “Kick their ass and take their gas”.
This hunt must have some semblance of the “fair chase” or a plethora of ACLU freaks and enviro wierdos will protest and draw the eastern liberal media to photograph the slaughtering of helpless, human-habituated snowmobiles, thereby damaging the image of Montana as an enlightened highly intellectual center of critical thought. Thus, the regulations for the hunt must be strict. First, all successful applicants shall attend a mandatory hunting class, offered by the Red Mist Society. No snowmobiles may be taken if they are not running. Machines sitting in front of bars, bordellos, casinos, poker parlors, or adult book stores may not be taken. Shooting snowmobiles resting in front of motels will be considered akin to shooting sleeping animals and is discouraged.
The hunter must wear at least 400 square inches of dirty mud, blood, cow shit, grease-smeared denim and a bill cap that says Cattapillar on the front, to distinguish him from non-hunting Montanans, who will be wearing at least 800 square inches of mud, blood, cow shit, grease smeared denims and bill caps with either “Cats” or “Griz” on the front. Hunting hours shall be seven hours before daylight until seven hours after sunset. No mechanized decoys may be used, including radio-controlled Tonka Big Wheels toy trucks or life size inflatable nude blow up dolls. It shall be illegal to make a kill and leave the motor and body parts in the field. All salvageable parts shall be carried out and put to good use. A tag must be placed on the carcass as soon as it is down and deemed dead.
The ethics of this hunt require that shots be humanely placed, to put the machine out of its agony as quickly as possible. The best possible shots shall center on the carburetor, master cylinder or fuel pump. The responsible hunter shall try to avoid shots at the gas tank, which results in a slow lingering demise, or alternatively, a potentially painful and spectacular fireball. All shots must be fired from the front seat of a Chevy or Ford pickup truck. No hunting on foot will be tolerated. Shooting at snowmobile drivers is discouraged, unless they are non-residents or NPS employees. With these exceptions, the accidental shooting of a driver can result in substantial penalties and a loss of hunting privileges for several years.
Because it is the desire of the regulating authorities to have an ethical hunt, with swift clean kills, weapons will be restricted to 12 gauge shotguns with rifled slugs, .375 magnums, 20 mm assault guns, 65 mm mortars, flame throwers (being careful in wooded environments, of course), laser-guided Tomahawk missiles, rocket propelled grenades, or 75 mm anti-tank guns. For those out of state hunters who do not possess one of these required weapons, they can be purchased at most any sports store in Montana, but be sure to bring along medical proof of a pulse and a black and white Polaroid photo of yourself.
Snowmobiles are large lumbering machines, thus, it will be considered ethical to only shoot at moving machines. In some cases this can be challenging, since some NPS law enforcement folks have clocked them at 85 mph! No shooting into clustered snowmobiles will be tolerated. Bag limits include two machines per day and a season limit of twelve.
Only legal “bull snowmobiles” may be taken. These can be identified by 7,000 decibel noise, large clouds of blue oil-laden smoke (for novices, these will appear much like a crop duster, but traveling on the ground instead of the air; often there is a long line of gasping snowmobile drivers behind a bull), and NASCAR and Havoline Oil stickers on the body parts. Usually these bull machines will be traveling at approximately mach 3. Some of the really big ones will have decals of nude women on the hood. Conversely, the “cows”, which it is illegal to take, are puny small machines, sometimes with powerless 4-cylce non-polluting engines. Normally they will be traveling under 50 mph, usually by some whimp with poofy looking hair and a Calvin Klein snowmobile suit at the helm.
Now, there is some concern that shooting only the biggest and strongest of the snowmobiles will cause irreparable harm to the larger population, but that is speculative at best and there is no sound science to support that contention. We killed off the Edsel and Buicks kept increasing with disturbing frequency, and even after the Packard disappeared, GMC trucks and Oldsmobiles abounded.
The National Park Service shall have no regulating authority in the conduct of the hunt, based on the seldom read Constitutional mandate that Yellowstone was created primarily for the enjoyment and economic benefit of those living within seven miles of the border. Park entrance fees shall be waived for licensed hunters.
This, then, is a modest proposal to increase the recreational opportunities of the public – some anyway – in our national parks, and at the same time demonstrate the humane and God-given right to use – and not just preserve (can you even imagine what would happen if we allowed snowmobiles to keep increasing at the current rate?) – the resources of our parks. At the same time, Montana will become wealthy beyond imagination and its image as a sensitive cultural Mecca will be sustained. I have to stop now, and go find an orange crayon, so I can fill out my application.
The complete message sent by John Sacklin:
Subject: A modest solution
To: EKlim@aol.com, cwright@arcticcatinc.com, Jim_Vizanko@yamaha-motor.com
From: John_Sacklin@nps.gov
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 2006 09:05:04 -0700
This came to us a while back, and we hope you find this as entertaining as we did...
A MODEST SOLUTION
Montanans appear to have a propensity for shooting things. We shoot animals, and we shoot road signs, power line insulators, old cars on the prairie, twelve-ounce prairie dogs, other peoples’ dogs, low flying planes, and sometimes we even shoot other Montanans. Now, however, we feel the need to shoot Yellowstone’s bison too. This, however, has caused some uneasiness and some people even feel it is damaging Montana’s image. Thus, we need a different outlet and I think I have the solution.
Let’s have an annual snowmobile hunt in and around Yellowstone Park! The logic of it is inescapable. First, snowmobiles are largely exotic entities, not native to Montana. Most are made in Godless foreign countries, like Japan or Canada or Michigan. One of the concerns is that exotic non-native machines might drive native species, like 375 hp Chevy, GMC and Ford pickups with Big Sky mud flaps into extinction (although, in fairness, the GMCs appear to be going extinct anyway). But, if we lose the Chevies and Fords too, a habitat vacuum will occur and we will be seeing puny Volvos and Yugos, driven by folks with poofy hair who drink wine and bottled water, threatening our way of life. That makes snowmobiles a natural for a hunt. At present, no data exist to support this idea that non-native snowmobiles may cause more non-native vehicles and wine drinking drivers with poofy hair from invading the region, but the Montana Department of Livestock employs a Blackfoot medicine man who throws bones, who says that there is a 7% probability that this will happen. That’s good enough for me!
We are not a bunch of red-necked miscreants out here, with a complete disdain for authority, like our Wyoming neighbors, so this hunt must have some reasonable regulations. First, the season may run from December 1 through February 28 and no snowmobiles may be taken outside that season. Snowmobiles must have snow and shooting them on blacktop surfaces, car trailers, or mobile home driveways would be like shooting geese on their nests. No sport. Seventy-five percent of the licenses shall be reserved for residents of Montana, who, after all, have exclusive ownership of Yellowstone Park. The other twenty-five percent shall be allotted to foreigners from the other red states; no licenses shall be allotted for residents of blue states.
The number of licenses allotted annually shall be determined by a special board consisting of members of the Montana Cattleman’s Association, the Butte Chamber of Commerce and Conrad Burns’ reelection campaign staff, and based on good science and current population data. With 700 snowmobiles permitted to roam Yellowstone daily, that amounts to approximately 63,000 per season. I’m not sure what natural mortality rates are for these machines, but based on historic deer management philosophies, about one-third of the herd should be harvested each year. That would translate into the need to harvest 21,000 snowmobiles annually. Considering a hunter success rate of 85%, that translates into 24,706 licenses per year (the old hunter success rate was 15%, but the recent legislation banning open containers in vehicles has raised that rate significantly).
The licenses shall be allotted by computer drawing. Residents shall fill out an application, which consists of a sheet of paper from a Big Chief lined school tablet and an orange crayon, and if they are successful in the drawing, they shall pay a license fee of $50. Non-residents shall pay an application fee of $7,000 (non-refundable) and if they are drawn, a license fee of $75,000, all of which shall go to the Butte Chamber of Commerce. Successful hunters may not reapply for a license for a period of 25 years or until they have earned a GED diploma, whichever occurs first.
The economics of a snowmobile hunt are enormous. Consider 18, 530 resident licenses at $50 bucks a shot and you have $926,475 dollars in revenue. Now add to that 6,176 non-resident licenses at $75,000 (plus the non-refundable $7,000 application fee) and you have another $5,064,320, for a grand total of some where just short of six million bucks. After administrative fees have been taken out by the Butte Chamber of Commerce, the state stands to make about $2,450, which is enough to pay the Governor for two terms and still run the Montana University System for a year. And, none of that even considers the money spent by the hunters on transportation, hotels, bordellos, Lewis and Clark bourbon, bordellos, ammunition, gas for their 375 hp Chevies and Fords, bordellos, extra bill caps, or NRA bumper stickers that read “Kick their ass and take their gas”.
This hunt must have some semblance of the “fair chase” or a plethora of ACLU freaks and enviro wierdos will protest and draw the eastern liberal media to photograph the slaughtering of helpless, human-habituated snowmobiles, thereby damaging the image of Montana as an enlightened highly intellectual center of critical thought. Thus, the regulations for the hunt must be strict. First, all successful applicants shall attend a mandatory hunting class, offered by the Red Mist Society. No snowmobiles may be taken if they are not running. Machines sitting in front of bars, bordellos, casinos, poker parlors, or adult book stores may not be taken. Shooting snowmobiles resting in front of motels will be considered akin to shooting sleeping animals and is discouraged.
The hunter must wear at least 400 square inches of dirty mud, blood, cow shit, grease-smeared denim and a bill cap that says Cattapillar on the front, to distinguish him from non-hunting Montanans, who will be wearing at least 800 square inches of mud, blood, cow shit, grease smeared denims and bill caps with either “Cats” or “Griz” on the front. Hunting hours shall be seven hours before daylight until seven hours after sunset. No mechanized decoys may be used, including radio-controlled Tonka Big Wheels toy trucks or life size inflatable nude blow up dolls. It shall be illegal to make a kill and leave the motor and body parts in the field. All salvageable parts shall be carried out and put to good use. A tag must be placed on the carcass as soon as it is down and deemed dead.
The ethics of this hunt require that shots be humanely placed, to put the machine out of its agony as quickly as possible. The best possible shots shall center on the carburetor, master cylinder or fuel pump. The responsible hunter shall try to avoid shots at the gas tank, which results in a slow lingering demise, or alternatively, a potentially painful and spectacular fireball. All shots must be fired from the front seat of a Chevy or Ford pickup truck. No hunting on foot will be tolerated. Shooting at snowmobile drivers is discouraged, unless they are non-residents or NPS employees. With these exceptions, the accidental shooting of a driver can result in substantial penalties and a loss of hunting privileges for several years.
Because it is the desire of the regulating authorities to have an ethical hunt, with swift clean kills, weapons will be restricted to 12 gauge shotguns with rifled slugs, .375 magnums, 20 mm assault guns, 65 mm mortars, flame throwers (being careful in wooded environments, of course), laser-guided Tomahawk missiles, rocket propelled grenades, or 75 mm anti-tank guns. For those out of state hunters who do not possess one of these required weapons, they can be purchased at most any sports store in Montana, but be sure to bring along medical proof of a pulse and a black and white Polaroid photo of yourself.
Snowmobiles are large lumbering machines, thus, it will be considered ethical to only shoot at moving machines. In some cases this can be challenging, since some NPS law enforcement folks have clocked them at 85 mph! No shooting into clustered snowmobiles will be tolerated. Bag limits include two machines per day and a season limit of twelve.
Only legal “bull snowmobiles” may be taken. These can be identified by 7,000 decibel noise, large clouds of blue oil-laden smoke (for novices, these will appear much like a crop duster, but traveling on the ground instead of the air; often there is a long line of gasping snowmobile drivers behind a bull), and NASCAR and Havoline Oil stickers on the body parts. Usually these bull machines will be traveling at approximately mach 3. Some of the really big ones will have decals of nude women on the hood. Conversely, the “cows”, which it is illegal to take, are puny small machines, sometimes with powerless 4-cylce non-polluting engines. Normally they will be traveling under 50 mph, usually by some whimp with poofy looking hair and a Calvin Klein snowmobile suit at the helm.
Now, there is some concern that shooting only the biggest and strongest of the snowmobiles will cause irreparable harm to the larger population, but that is speculative at best and there is no sound science to support that contention. We killed off the Edsel and Buicks kept increasing with disturbing frequency, and even after the Packard disappeared, GMC trucks and Oldsmobiles abounded.
The National Park Service shall have no regulating authority in the conduct of the hunt, based on the seldom read Constitutional mandate that Yellowstone was created primarily for the enjoyment and economic benefit of those living within seven miles of the border. Park entrance fees shall be waived for licensed hunters.
This, then, is a modest proposal to increase the recreational opportunities of the public – some anyway – in our national parks, and at the same time demonstrate the humane and God-given right to use – and not just preserve (can you even imagine what would happen if we allowed snowmobiles to keep increasing at the current rate?) – the resources of our parks. At the same time, Montana will become wealthy beyond imagination and its image as a sensitive cultural Mecca will be sustained. I have to stop now, and go find an orange crayon, so I can fill out my application.