Dad went back to the hospital on Friday.....

[J.J. McDaniels]

I never post anything personal on here nor anywhere else, but this is something that's been gnawing at me for a long time, and I've often found myself being unable to put it into words. My dad will be 68 years old early next month and he's been living by himself and his five dogs for the past six years, ever since my mom passed. He's done really well up until very recently. He slipped and tore his hamstring in July of last year and was admitted to the ER and later sent to rehab, which he refused to complete no matter what we said to him. Luckily, he gained some serious ground and things had returned to normal until almost one month ago when he tripped and fell.

By the time I'd reached him, he'd pulled himself back into his recliner. I took over feeding, watering, letting his dogs out and checking his mail for the next three weeks and I was sometimes there more than once a day. However, little did I know that he had also hit his head several times since then (he only told me Thursday afternoon) and an ambulance was summoned yet again Friday because he didn't feel right. His vital stats were near perfect, but for the life of me, he's had trouble remembering things and my two siblings and myself have had to repeat ourselves numerous times, he's forgotten to pay at least two of his bills which I paid, his car was nearly repossessed, he's had no motivation to leave the house or do anything anymore. If may or may not be related, but it all started to get worse when he was going through withdrawals when he was off his anti-anxiety meds while awaiting a refill and things started to improve once more when he was back on them.

I called the hospital a few times and they put him on IV fluids for dehydration, ran a CT scan which was thankfully clean, but kept they've kept him for the past two days. The only downside to it all is that his sodium levels are much lower than they should be, and it's contributed to most of all his symptoms.

We all went to visit him yesterday for three and a half hours and the visit couldn't have been any better. I've tried calling him a few times today to no avail and that's what scares me the most. My younger brother was adopted, and my sister is from his second marriage, so I'm his only biological son.
Seeing those you love grow old or slip away when there's nothing you can do is by far the worst feeling in the world to me.

I hope he still has a long life ahead of him but seeing this just isn't easy. Once was enough. Twice is too much.

 

[power1]

I never post anything personal on here nor anywhere else, but this is something that's been gnawing at me for a long time, and I've often found myself being unable to put it into words. My dad will be 68 years old early next month and he's been living by himself and his five dogs for the past six years, ever since my mom passed. He's done really well up until very recently. He slipped and tore his hamstring in July of last year and was admitted to the ER and later sent to rehab, which he refused to complete no matter what we said to him. Luckily, he gained some serious ground and things had returned to normal until almost one month ago when he tripped and fell.

By the time I'd reached him, he'd pulled himself back into his recliner. I took over feeding, watering, letting his dogs out and checking his mail for the next three weeks and I was sometimes there more than once a day. However, little did I know that he had also hit his head several times since then (he only told me Thursday afternoon) and an ambulance was summoned yet again Friday because he didn't feel right. His vital stats were near perfect, but for the life of me, he's had trouble remembering things and my two siblings and myself have had to repeat ourselves numerous times, he's forgotten to pay at least two of his bills which I paid, his car was nearly repossessed, he's had no motivation to leave the house or do anything anymore. If may or may not be related, but it all started to get worse when he was going through withdrawals when he was off his anti-anxiety meds while awaiting a refill and things started to improve once more when he was back on them.

I called the hospital a few times and they put him on IV fluids for dehydration, ran a CT scan which was thankfully clean, but kept they've kept him for the past two days. The only downside to it all is that his sodium levels are much lower than they should be, and it's contributed to most of all his symptoms.

We all went to visit him yesterday for three and a half hours and the visit couldn't have been any better. I've tried calling him a few times today to no avail and that's what scares me the most. My younger brother was adopted, and my sister is from his second marriage, so I'm his only biological son.
Seeing those you love grow old or slip away when there's nothing you can do is by far the worst feeling in the world to me.

I hope he still has a long life ahead of him but seeing this just isn't easy. Once was enough. Twice is too much.

Seeing those you love grow old is by far the worst feeling in the world.
Being one of those is a little worse.

 

[chowderman]

welcome to the pickle patch . . .
we took care of my grandmother - cancer; in-home
my MIL - extreme Alzheimer - in-home
my father - cancer; hospice
my mother - COPD/stroke; in-home+hospice

there is nothing easy about any of it.
there are several big red flags in your post -
#1 - his balance/equilibrium is affected - falls, tripping, etc. become major life threatening events.
many possible causes - including medications...meant to do good, but with potentially not so good side effects.
#2 - anti-anxiety meds . . . the cause of the anxiety needs some research and be addressed, as possible.

I am not a doctor, and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express either....so . . .
what is your confidence in his primary care physician? some take the attitude of 'well, he's old and sh#t happens' - which is totally unacceptable. you may want to look for a primary care practice more attuned to geriatric issues.
if he is living alone you absolutely cannot assume he is taking his meds regularly/correctly - or eating regularly/correctly.
double that problem for "... he's had trouble remembering things and . . . "
elderly people, living alone, all too often find doing the routine things, like eating, simply too much trouble - and don't.

no easy answers, but look for help from local sources that can monitor more regularly.
get the equilibrium issues checked - unchecked, it only get worse headed for critical.

 

[Doc]

Sad. I do think that is one of the worst feelings anyone can have, being helpless to help the ones we love most.
Tripping and falling down can be so detrimental to living a long life. Best wishes for him getting out of the hospital and doing great at his home.

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

I spoke with him a little earlier after a few missed calls. He seemed out of breath but that's only because he made a quick run to the bathroom and was getting back into bed. His physician feels he's on too many BP meds and she couldn't be more right. He's on three and has been for a year and a half. And his symptoms started to develop shortly afterwards.

Another issue is an old football injury from his 20's that is now causing serious issues. He tore his hamstring last year and refused rehab. His shoulder isn't that much better. Most of it is probably nothing more than wear and tear because he started working when he was 10. Both parents were alcoholics.

A plus side to it all is that he just seems like he's doing a little better since he finally decided it was past time to go get it checked out. We just aren't sure when he'll be home. My brother and I went to make sure his dogs were fed and had plenty of water and did a little light cleaning while we were there. But I feel that he's in good hands. I just felt uneasy when I couldn't reach him.

 

[chowderman]

another obtw story . . .

my grandfather - born 1897 - was pretty close to a pioneer as one could get in the 20th century.
depending on who you asked, he was either self-sufficient or an onerous old sob . . .
by trade a welder - did high pressure gas welding, building locomotives for Baldwin.
got "loaned" during WW2 to the local shipyard to weld ships.
the famous family story involves his firing: boss demanded he take 'shortcuts' to improve his productivity/weld feet per hour.
to which he replied "My son runs these boats and I'll do it right - I quit."

anyway, when he had a pacemaker installed - it made three columns in the local fish wrapper.
I remember him having glasses with one dark lens - that was pre-cataract surgery days....
he became quite cantankerous - and had to be hospitalized - where they discovered he was on 8-10 meds for various conditions, none of which had been 'cleared' by the 'other' doctors.

they took him off all the meds, added back only the needed meds as his condition/testing indicated.
later he went home a new man.

bottom line: it is entirely possible for patients to be over medicated to the point of causing harm.
I am immediately suspect of stuff like anti-anxiety drugs - way far too many doctors prefer to medicate patients into a stupor so the Dr. does not have to deal with the situation.

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

Got him out of the hospital today. They feel he's on too many BP meds. I'm unsure if he's completely out of the woods yet, but he seemed as if he felt better overall (he still seemed fuzzy) and is walking on his own without the use of a walker.

 

[EastTexFrank]

Got him out of the hospital today. They feel he's on too many BP meds. I'm unsure if he's completely out of the woods yet, but he seemed as if he felt better overall (he still seemed fuzzy) and is walking on his own without the use of a walker.

I'll take that as good news and pray for continued improvement. Hang tough! You're in our prayers tonight.

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

I'll take that as good news and pray for continued improvement. Hang tough! You're in our prayers tonight.

Thanks. He seemed much better than he was, but he's still a little fuzzy. He took one of the meds that they had taken him off of this morning and I flushed them, so he won't repeat it again. It's another BP med and one of the side effects is dizziness. That's been one of his issues.

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

One week removed, so far, so good. He was once again briefly out of his anti-anxiety meds, but he received another refill just yesterday. He's still mostly without the use of a walker, but he did say that he fell three times yesterday but caught himself. More likely than not, this comes from opting out of rehab for his torn hamstring last July and making the problem worse by not doing anything with it. I understand that he's more than earned the right to take it easy, but that's just something he shouldn't have ever neglected, but that's one of the many things he has as of late.

The most concerning is that he's completely unaware of how much money he has in his personal or business account and he has bills due. He's been locked out of both accounts for repeated attempts, and he probably doesn't remember his password and hasn't called the bank. If he's overdrawn in his personal account, that's bad enough but if he faulters on his business account, I'm going to be looking for another employer and I'm not the only one. His business only consists of four employees because it's route work. I'm not on that account, so I can't even check to make sure things are running smoothly.

It's a very, very, very long story but at least he's improving on one end. I just hope he'll rebound on the others. I feel like I've become the father in a way.

 

[chowderman]

JJ - you have a very serious problem on your hands.
consult a lawyer - you may have to (actually - can you believe it....) sue your own father to become his guardian.

if he did not execute a durable power of attorney - that's about the only way you can oversee his personal and business dealings.

do not dilly dally - you will not get a (in our state = "family court") hearing to become guardian at a hat drop.
been there.
done that.
ain't pretty.

but do not ignore the issue. if your dad recovers you can informally or formally aka legally step back.
if your dad does not improve - it is imperative that you gain legal status to manage his personal and business affairs.

I am totally empathetic to your very painful situation - but act now because later will not be any better.

 

[power1]

Be very careful with the power of attorney. My parent's made the decision to give my younger sister power of attorney and it ended badly. She put both in a rest home without letting any of the family even know where it was. She sold their home and signed over everything they had to herself. She emptied their bank account. When they both died she told the attorney there wasn't any need to probate the will. It has destroyed our family.

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

He's made me his POA. But this isn't something I'm ready for nor expected. He doesn't know what he has in his accounts because he won't make a simple phone call to correct his password issue or ask directly. He used to keep tabs through his iPad, but it ceased function last month and he still hasn't made a move to replace it. He owns the business, but he can by the same token be fired by the company he works for and should that happen, he's in trouble.

He told me recently that he's been depressed over issues he couldn't control but didn't specify. I think I mentioned this in my original post last week, but to me personally, it's like he's given up on life and it's snowballed into something much worse if it isn't rectified. I've seen him down before, but never in my life like this. He'd always rebound.

 

[chowderman]

Be very careful with the power of attorney. My parent's made the decision to give my younger sister power of attorney and it ended badly. She put both in a rest home without letting any of the family even know where it was. She sold their home and signed over everything they had to herself. She emptied their bank account. When they both died she told the attorney there wasn't any need to probate the will. It has destroyed our family.

yeah, well that was their bad take - or, of course, the family is totally dysfunctional, etc etc.
btw, courts (in USA) will uphold abuse of POA and stuff that thence 'ended badly' should have been challenged.

 

[chowderman]

JJ - if you have a POA you can go to the banks/etc and establish control/access.
your posts indicate your father is impaired - that is the reason Power of Attorney exists.
you see the problem(s) - you need to take action - the POA should allow you to do that.

 

[m1west]

I would talk to him about it. If one of my kids comes at me with an attorney without any dialog first, it would be on the news. Just sayin.

 

[chowderman]

I would talk to him about it. If one of my kids comes at me with an attorney without any dialog first, it would be on the news. Just sayin.

did you read any of the posts?

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

I would talk to him about it. If one of my kids comes at me with an attorney without any dialog first, it would be on the news. Just sayin.

Sooner or later, I'm going to have to. There are three of us, but I'm his only biological son. And I forgot to mention - should he get fired, he'll have no source of income anymore. He was wise and while not rich by any means, he lived rather comfortably. He and my mother could go anywhere they wanted at any time. He just lost it all to pay for her cancer treatments and to thieves within his business. He recovered, but not fully.

 

[m1west]

did you read any of the posts?

Yea, all of them, including the one where you suggested he sue his dad to gain control of his finances.

 

[m1west]

Sooner or later, I'm going to have to. There are three of us, but I'm his only biological son. And I forgot to mention - should he get fired, he'll have no source of income anymore. He was wise and while not rich by any means, he lived rather comfortably. He and my mother could go anywhere they wanted at any time. He just lost it all to pay for her cancer treatments and to thieves within his business. He recovered, but not fully.

I m sure your dad knows he is not hitting on all cylinders right now. I hear your concern that things with the business, could fall apart if not taken care of, and it will not just effect him. It might be time for one of you or you to talk to him about being a silent partner. I am a business owner with family that works for me. Not knowing your dad but giving him credit for being successful in business, from my prospective he may be wanting to talk to you but don't know how to start the conversation.

 

[chowderman]

Yea, all of them, including the one where you suggested he sue his dad to gain control of his finances.

in PA, in the absence of any other preparations, the Family Court is the authority to legally appoint guardian.
and that requires filing a lawsuit in Family Court.

 

[Gary O']

He doesn't know what he has in his accounts because he won't make a simple phone call to correct his password issue or ask directly

Once you get some control, I suggest getting his utilities and other personal monthly payments/deposits on autopay auto deposit

Any room in his budget for in home assistance?

Five dogs?
Might seem heartless, but you know what is said about three dogs.......

Wishing you resolution

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

Any room in his budget for in home assistance?

Not that I'm aware of. When the fire department came ahead of the ambulance two weeks back, one of them mentioned to him that he might consider home assistance but I'm willing to bet he'll never cave and do it.

Five dogs?

Five dogs too many. The city only allows three dogs per person/couple. No more. And he won't adopt them out, either. There are three of us in his immediate family, but I'm the one that's been doing the most lately and I'm just worn out TBH. One of the things I've been doing on a more frequent level is feeding/watering his dogs most days. When not, my brother and sister will. We don't mind doing it, but there's just no way we can do it every day.

 

[Gary O']

My dad will be 68 years old early next month and he's been living by himself and his five dogs for the past six years, ever since my mom passed. He's done really well up until very recently. He slipped and tore his hamstring

Y'know, falling down at that age gets a bit critical
I'm 73 and go down from time to time
But
The worst of it was new meds
Takes awhile for a system, especially an old system, to adapt
My doc put me on some sorta water pill
Damn near fell off the roof I was building out at the cabin
The water pill was temporary, and good thing

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

I m sure your dad knows he is not hitting on all cylinders right now.

He does but he's just chalked it up to being older. To me, he was always as smart as a tack. Wise. The fuzziness and forgetfulness didn't ever seem to be an issue until recently. He's fared better lately, but something is amiss.

I hear your concern that things with the business, could fall apart if not taken care of, and it will not just effect him. It might be time for one of you or you to talk to him about being a silent partner.

I've been at the business myself for 20 years next August. Been doing it since I was 22. Currently, there are three others to worry with and I'm basically his business partner already, but it's time for me to step up if he can't. I can fill his shoes, but I can't do it all week. I'd have to speak with him about it.

 

[m1west]

He does but he's just chalked it up to being older. To me, he was always as smart as a tack. Wise. The fuzziness and forgetfulness didn't ever seem to be an issue until recently. He's fared better lately, but something is amiss.


I've been at the business myself for 20 years next August. Been doing it since I was 22. Currently, there are three others to worry with and I'm basically his business partner already, but it's time for me to step up if he can't. I can fill his shoes, but I can't do it all week. I'd have to speak with him about it.

Im 64 getting ready to retire in a couple years with my son taking over the business. Its time for me to do it, as I want to enjoy some life while I am still healthy, and my son has worked for me since before graduating high school, he deserves to take over and make the money that comes with that, but I have to tell you its an internal battle. When I retire I will go from someone that is respected in my industry with clout and people that work for me to just another old guy. Its a hard decision. That can be part of him not stepping down, he will lose all his control, and for some its nearly impossible to do.

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

He's back in the hospital again after a brief stint in a Rehabilitation Center/Nursing home after X-Rays revealed a blocked colon. I had him sent to a better hospital today and he was admitted this morning only to recently get a room. With as bad as he's been lately, I'm hoping that everything that's happened will be a wake-up call. Emergency surgery is probably going to be likely. Recovery time is five to seven days, and it may take several months for a full recovery.

 

[m1west]

He's back in the hospital again after a brief stint in a Rehabilitation Center/Nursing home after X-Rays revealed a blocked colon. I had him sent to a better hospital today and he was admitted this morning only to recently get a room. With as bad as he's been lately, I'm hoping that everything that's happened will be a wake-up call. Emergency surgery is probably going to be likely. Recovery time is five to seven days, and it may take several months for a full recovery.

Poor guy can't catch a break, hang in there and I hope his recovery is short.

 

[J.J. McDaniels]

Poor guy can't catch a break, hang in there and I hope his recovery is short.

Thanks. Me too. I’m glad it was caught when it was.

 

[Melensdad]

Thanks. Me too. I’m glad it was caught when it was.

YES, better to catch it sooner than later.