TO G-D FROM THE DOG

[Junkman]

Dear G-d:

Why do humans smell the flowers but seldom if ever smell one another?

When we get to heaven, can we sit on Your couch, or is it still the same old story?

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?

How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a good ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

If a dog barks its head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions and signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

More meat balls, less spaghetti please.

Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Let me give You a list of some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

I will not eat the cat's food before they eat it or after they throw it up

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell

I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar

The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom and Dad's laps

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff

My head does not belong in the fridge

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration

I will not play tug of war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "Hello"

I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after

I will not throw up in the car

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company

The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing

And finally, my last question:

Dear G-d, when I get to heaven, may I have my testicles back?