Subject: History Lesson
Date: August 25, 2006 at 8:55 pm PST
Here is your history lesson for today:
For centuries, humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer &
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of the
wheel, and the invention of beer. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals
and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide how to redistribute the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in later,
after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE
for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history and anthropology:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to
the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be
so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately.
