• Please be sure to read the rules and adhere to them. Some banned members have complained that they are not spammers. But they spammed us. Some even tried to redirect our members to other forums. Duh. Be smart. Read the rules and adhere to them and we will all get along just fine. Cheers. :beer: Link to the rules: https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/forum-rules-info.2974/

Tidbits AKA Groaners

Status
Not open for further replies.

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
We were playing cards the other night (Euker) and my wife come up with this:

Know why democrats are not playing cards like they used to?
None of them want to name Trump.

LOL Pretty good for off the cuff. :clap: :clap:
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
I've got to lose16 pounds before this summer is over.

I'm selling my bowling ball.

If anybody is interested!
 

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
...
fbefc6617d945f096189938776674ff3.jpg
 

Jim_S

Gone But Not Forgotten
GOLD Site Supporter
I sometimes wonder what happened to people who have asked me for directions . . .
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
I told myself I should stop drinking ....
 

Attachments

  • IToldMyselfIShould.jpg
    IToldMyselfIShould.jpg
    29.6 KB · Views: 202

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
We are about $16 trillion in debt.

To understand how much money that is,

just imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful.

He asked, "Is that in the key of L?"

Puzzled, the employee says, "Key of L? I'm not really sure?"

The boss replies, "Well it sure sounds like L to me!"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
I have now expanded My skill set.

I can now forget what I'm doing while I am doing it.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
 

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
Me: it's not how many times you fall. It's how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how a field sobriety test is supposed to work.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
All my life I thought air was free,

until I bought a bag of chips at Whole Foods.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
If at first you don't succeed,

you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
 

nixon

Boned
GOLD Site Supporter
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
" You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye. "
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
I was doing my job as coroner at the morgue the other night, all alone, when the paramedics brought in a fresh stiff. It was a young hippie-looking girl, with a bullet hole in her forehead. She looked to be about 25, and appeared to have died instantly. Her hippie smock dress had a few blood stains on it, and she even still had a joint in her mouth. But, I noticed, otherwise she was fine, I mean really fine. Blonde, blue eyes, and a rockin', voluptuous, curvy body. Aside from the bullet hole in her head, she had a gorgeous face, too. I looked down at the poor girl, looking so peaceful, and beautiful, and young, and I thought to myself, hmmm.... Nobody's here, I'm all alone. Nobody would see anything, nobody would ever know...should I? Could I? Would I? Man, Al, this is bad, man. Then I was like, ah fuck it, damn the torpedoes, I'm gonna go for it. You only live once. So I took the joint out of her mouth, took out my lighter, lit it up and smoked it...
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Some people probably don't know this.

Military barbers shave their privates.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Do you know what the definition of a will is?

It's a dead giveaway.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
According to a new study out of Harvard today, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning.

The study says people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on.

So I guess when people say "Congress is as dishonest as the day is long,"

We now have scientific proof!!!
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
I've decided I'm over this daylight savings time thing. I won't do that whole "turn your clock back" routine this year.

From now on if you need me,

I'll be in the future!!!!
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Wow apparently it's "rude" to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.

I was shocked!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top