• Please be sure to read the rules and adhere to them. Some banned members have complained that they are not spammers. But they spammed us. Some even tried to redirect our members to other forums. Duh. Be smart. Read the rules and adhere to them and we will all get along just fine. Cheers. :beer: Link to the rules: https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/forum-rules-info.2974/

Tidbits AKA Groaners

Status
Not open for further replies.

Danang Sailor

nullius in verba
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Groan'ers

If a male goat is a ram, and a male donkey is an ass, while is it a ram in the ass is called a 'goose'?
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Groan'ers

I love asking kids what they wanna be when they grow up,
cuz I'm still looking for ideas!!!
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Groan'ers

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,

"Is it on or off?"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

Always trust people who like big butts .......they cannot lie. :D
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

I pulling into the crowded Walmart parking lot, rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must stay there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

Nothing is fool-proof to a
sufficiently talented fool.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

A man jumps from a plane and as he descends pulls his parachute only nothing happens so he pulls his reserve and still no luck so as he contemplates flapping his arms like a bird when he spies a man coming up towards him.

Calling out to the man “DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?”
The other man replies “NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS COOKERS?”
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A dead centipede.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

REDNECK WORDs OF THE DAY:

Munts: It’s been four munts since I heard from my brother.

All: I’m gonna need me a all change on that truck.

Bawl: You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

A good looking girl waved at me today…
But there was no way I was swimming out that far to see her.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

Bob and his wife Judy (both blonds) live in Ohio.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say:
"We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the even numbered side of the street,
so that the snowplow can get through"
Judy goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says: "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side
of the street, so that the snowplow can get through."
Judy goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the
radio announcer says: "We are expecting 8-10 inches of
snow today. You must park........... ," then the electric
power goes out. Judy is very upset, and with a worried look
on her face she says, "Honey, I just don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow
can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, which all men,
who are married to beautiful women, exhibit, Bob says,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

I just saw on "The History Channel" that geologists say in a hundred million years, Asia and America will smash into each other and become one big huge super-continent.
How ironic is that??? Just about the time when we have our loan to China paid off, we become China.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a mayday: "Mayday! Mayday! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position". She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat".
"Okay" says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven..."
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

two blondes ....
 

Attachments

  • twoblonds.jpg
    twoblonds.jpg
    56.2 KB · Views: 285

tiredretired

The Old Salt
SUPER Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

Why doesn't a bicycle or motorcycle stand up by themselves?

Because they are two tired.

Get it? :biggrin:
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

I have a friend and I'm not saying he is stupid.

However I asked him how to spell 'Mississippi'.
He asked, "The River or the State?"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

How You know Your staying in a redneck hotel?

You call the front desk and say I've gotta leak in the sink.
And the clerk say's "go ahead."
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months, his days are numbered.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

I'm going to change my Geico insurance to Allstate,

then change to State Farm,
then back to Geico according to the tv commercials they should owe me $673.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Bronx New York and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State of New York hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set up another crow as a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah" but he could not say "Truck".
 

EastTexFrank

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Bronx New York and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State of New York hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set up another crow as a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah" but he could not say "Truck".


You should be real proud!!!! That is bad. I mean, really, really freekin' bad.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

I try Frank. I really try. LOL
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Re: Tidbits AKA Insta Groan'ers

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

"why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."

The child thought about this for a moment.

"So why is the groom wearing black?
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
HOW TO INSTALL A “SOUTHERN” HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of ‘Guns & Ammo’ magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,
Betty Sue, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and
messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
- Cooter
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like they say on TV,

'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top