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Becoming foster parents?

Melensdad

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How's this whole coronavirus thing affecting your application process for becoming foster parents?

Our workers are still working but from home. We actually got a call a couple weeks ago to take in an 8 year old girl from another foster home as a respite. Well, long story short is that she is now placed with us permanently. Been in care since she was 3. She's 8 now and is projected to be in care till she's 18.

So we have 4 people in our household. S-I-L is an extreme high risk, she lives in the guest house but has full access to the main house. Daughter is an high risk, she is diabetic, lives in the house currently. I am a high risk. My wife is a normal risk person.

With that said, we got a call today and they found a 12 year old girl for us. We declined and gave our reasons. The foster agency decided that it would be best if we were simply removed from their program. So our chances of becoming foster parents are now ZERO. We said we'd do it as soon as the Covid situation was resolved, which may be a year away due to vaccines. They took us off the list.
 

NorthernRedneck

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I understand. You have to do what's best for your family first. We had decided that 5 kids was enough and that we'd only be doing weekend respites occasionally.

This 8 year old girl was in her previous home for 4 years. Her foster mother decided to get out of fostering so she could travel. The agency originally called us just as a temporary home until they found a permanent home for her. One thing led to another and after individual discussions with all our children, we decided to keep her long term.
 

NorthernRedneck

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Just a bit of insight into what the kids go through in foster care. Our newest foster daughter, who is 8 and will most likely be with us in to adulthood, came to us over a month ago with nothing more than a few changes of clothes. She had been in her previous home for 4 years. And had moved 8 times since she was 3.

She's a good kid. No problem with her at all. Here's the part that pisses me off. As I said, 4 years in the same home. You'd think she might have a few things. We finally got the rest of her stuff today. Pathetic. A duffle bag of clothes. Ok. And a doll. All she had was a doll. Blows my mind how anyone could say they loved a child and cared for them for that long and all they had was one toy to play with. And foster parents take in close to $1100 per month per child.
 

Melensdad

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I should have updated yesterday.

The agency called us yesterday and the guy was much nicer this time. First, our state license was approved. So we have the state's approval. The agency, which administers the license, reinstated us and talked to the lovely Mrs_Bob at great length yesterday about some older kids (12+ years old) that will be coming out of a state home in a few months.

They want us to consider one or two of those kids, when the time is right. They even suggested a trial run.

So we are back in the game ... when the time works for us.
 

NorthernRedneck

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You'll know when it's the right fit. The boy we had a couple of years ago was definitely not. He'd get home from school and within 10 minutes was having a full out tantrum throwing things and yelling. Not good for our other children.
 

Jim_S

Gone But Not Forgotten
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I should have updated yesterday.

The agency called us yesterday and the guy was much nicer this time. First, our state license was approved. So we have the state's approval. The agency, which administers the license, reinstated us and talked to the lovely Mrs_Bob at great length yesterday about some older kids (12+ years old) that will be coming out of a state home in a few months.

They want us to consider one or two of those kids, when the time is right. They even suggested a trial run.

So we are back in the game ... when the time works for us.

Great news!
 

Melensdad

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Looks like we are getting an 8 month old baby today

Details to follow!


BTW, what types of yard work and house repairs are suitable for an 8 month old to accomplish? :hammer:
 

NorthernRedneck

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My wife keeps asking if we can take a baby. I keep saying no. If they aren't in school or can't go to daycare they aren't for me. Lol. When she goes back to work, that leaves me caring for it.

Kudos to you guys if you think you can handle starting over on diaper duty.
 

m1west

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Looks like we are getting an 8 month old baby today

Details to follow!


BTW, what types of yard work and house repairs are suitable for an 8 month old to accomplish? :hammer:

Hats off to you and your wife, that is quite an un selfish act taking on that responsibility. Good luck to you, your wife and new addition to you're family.
 

Melensdad

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Emotional day, and NO baby showed up.

Turned out, last minute, one of the relatives passed a background check, stepped up, and agreed to take care of the child.


Probably the best case scenario. There were 6 kids. 14 years down to 8 months. We were supposed to get the baby. Another family was taking the 4 middle children and the 14 year old was going to a 3rd foster family. This way the kids stay together.
 

NorthernRedneck

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That's the tough part of being a foster parent. Lots of emotional highs and lows.

Prepare yourselves for when you finally do get a placement. Now just imagine that you've taken in a child and cared for them for years and become very attached. Then one day after you've already sent them off to school, you get a call from the agency telling you that circumstances have changed and the child is either returning home or going to live with relatives and you will most likely never see them again.

It doesn't happen often but it does happen. I have seen it. I've had to go pick kids up from school and return them home as a worker. We've had that happen as foster parents where we cared for a girl for 6 months and became very attached. With less than 24 hours notice, we had to say goodbye and never saw her again. That's a feeling that never gets easier.

We had a little girl for over a year living with us. I would have gladly kept her until she aged out. But without much notice, we loaded her up in a worker's vehicle in the morning with all her things and said our goodbyes, hugged, then watched her drive off. Nobody can ever prepare you for that.

There's specialized counseling available for the children as it's also hard on them going through the motions of a. Losing the foster parents and family they're attached to and b. Dealing with the excitement of going home. But there's really not much support for the foster parents once the child is gone.

It's also very hard on the kids as on one hand, they are going home but on the other hand, they are losing their whole life with you including their friends at school, new school and just the whole change in routine.

But quite often, once they are gone, for the foster parents, that's it. You say your goodbyes, send them off, gather yourself up emotionally and keep plugging away as best as you can knowing that somewhere out there, there's a child who you cared for and loved that you may never see again. All you can do is hope and pray that somewhere out there, there's a child who you you loved and will never see again and hope they're doing alright.

I still struggle even months later with losing our foster daughter. We had her for a year and a half and new for weeks that she was going home. But when that day finally came, I remember loading up her things in the vehicle, giving her a hug and walking away before bursting into tears. Then having to gather myself up to go back in the house and take care of the other kids. Her name is Cheyne (pronounced shine). Even now, every time a commercial comes on tv with the song "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine", I get choked up for a few seconds as I used to sing that to her.
 

Melensdad

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So the agency called us yesterday.

There is a foster home that is closing. The kids need to be rehomed. They want us to take a 9 year old boy. He is up for adoption, parents have given up their rights. This kid has been in the system for a few years. Ideally they want to find a home that is willing to adopt. That is not our house.

So we MAY or MAY NOT be getting this boy. Obviously if they find a house willing to adopt him then he will go there. But for now we are on the list for this kid.
 

Melensdad

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Another update.

The state called us. We are arranging for a meeting with the 9 year old who needs fostering. Apparently that is the normal pattern if someone needs to be moved from one foster home to another in a non-emergency situation. They set up meetings to see if the foster parents/kids are compatible enough, then they move the kid. Process is supposed to take a few weeks. So we may have a 9 year old in our home sometime in June.

End of July and early August could see a very full house here. We still have Melen, who will be living here likely into October or beyond because the Illinois Bar Exam has been delayed into September, and may be delayed after that? We will have Dasha back living with us, probably for a week or two, as she will be coming back here to stay with us for a bit before we move her into her dorm at Notre Dame. And will may have a 9 year old boy.

If any of you have a guest room, perhaps you could find a place for me to hide for a couple weeks? :bolt:
 

NorthernRedneck

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That's usually how they like to do it up here too when there's not an urgency to move the child. It often starts with a visit followed by an overnight then if all goes well, they do the move.
 

Melensdad

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We have a 2 month old baby.

They needed an emergency placement. Father died suddenly. Mom is absent. State is doing background checks of the grandmother and other family members. Likely we will have him short term. His name is Kobe. He is smaller than Walter.
 

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pirate_girl

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God bless you guys Bob.
You have a little one in your care.
If you get attached, then have to give Kobe up it may hurt real bad.
He's a cutie!
 

Melensdad

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God bless you guys Bob.
You have a little one in your care.
If you get attached, then have to give Kobe up it may hurt real bad.
He's a cutie!

We are not a pre-adoptive home, meaning we are not looking to or considering adopting. We are a layover. And even then we will get attached and it will hurt.

In the case of Kobe, he has a grandmother on mom's side of the family who also has a husband and they have a child. If they pass the background check then he goes to them. She was already deeply involved in taking care of him. If that doesn't pan out then there are a few relatives on dad's side of the family.

He is considered a short term placement. Very probably a few months, certainly could be longer. But since he has family he will very likely never go into the adoption system.
 

Melensdad

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I survived the night.

Mitty the Australian Shepard is afraid of the baby, he prefers dog friends or to hang with me.
Walter the Walter Terrier is sniffs, licks, and lays with the baby.
Nelson the Corgi is curious and gentle but generally prefers dog friends.
Georgie the mixed terrier sniffs and and is gentle.

Baby Kobe needs to be held. all. the. time. The lovely Mrs_Bob was up most of the night. Never. put. the. baby. down! Crying starts immediately and continues for long periods of time.
 

NorthernRedneck

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Wow. Awesome. I couldn't do a younger child like that. You will become attached and it will be hard to see him go. Even the short term ones hurt when they leave.

We had a 6 year old boy on a short term placement. I dropped him off at school in the morning fully expecting to see him after school. During the day, a family member was identified and the agency picked him up from school and brought him there. We never saw him again.
 

Melensdad

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Wow. Awesome. I couldn't do a younger child like that. You will become attached and it will be hard to see him go. Even the short term ones hurt when they leave.

We had a 6 year old boy on a short term placement....

We obviously won't have a school drop off issue with Kobe like you had with your 6y/o . . . we were told this will be a month to 2 years. If the family quickly clears background it will be 30-90 days. If not there are several other family members to look towards. If none accept him, or can't clear background checks, then he goes thru adoption, which would still likely be within 2 years.

And yes it will hurt to give him back.
 

Melensdad

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Spent some time at the HOSPITAL with Kobe today :smileywac


He was an emergency drop off, he was taken from his grandmother by the sheriff's swat team and a social worker, there is a history of cocaine use by his mom. His dad was 65, mom is 49. Dad was holding Kobe and had a massive heart attack, fell over and hit the floor with Kobe in his arms. Mom is absent, in and out of programs. Dad has by all accounts been a good parent. Grandmother has been supportive and a treated Kobe well, tended to him responsibly, but there are issues that may prevent her (and other members in her immediate home) from passing a background check.

We found a large 'bruise' on his upper buttocks/lower back.

Long story short. NOT a bruise. NOT abuse. NOT an issue. Turns out its a birthmark so we rushed a kid to the emergency room for no good reason whatsoever :yum:

Turns out that he is 1/2 Black & 1/2 Hispanic. That is relevant because many Hispanics apparently have large birthmarks that fade in time and often vanish by the time they are 5 or 6 years old. Of course we had no clue. While we are well traveled we never explored the birthmarks of the children of foreign cultures.

So pretty much we are just idiots. Over protective idiots.
 

Melensdad

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So we've nicknamed him Felix. Dates back to the Roman era, in Latin it translates to Lucky. We liked it because he is bi-racial and being raised by yet another race. Romans were known to assimilate and adopt in the best of all cultures spanning north to England, south to Africa and all points in between.

He's a good baby. Close to sleeping through the night! That is a bonus.

The state was pressuring us to take in another child. They wanted to bring us a 9 year old yesterday. We even talked to the boy. Sorry but just too much change to soon. Originally we were thinking we'd bring another child into our home no early than July. Maybe. But the state needs to move a kid and we talked to them, the foster mom, and the kid. Date kept getting changed and pushed forward.

We still have our own daughter and her apartment to worry about, as well as other obligations, plus we have to move Dasha back here and then get her moved into her college dorm at Notre Dame. I finally put my foot down and just said no. I'm certainly open to another kid, at some point. But we need to settle this one in before we take on another.

Photo below is happy face when he poops his diaper while bouncing on my lap :smileywac
 

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NorthernRedneck

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I told my wife about you guys taking a baby. Though she's hinted at wanting one, she realized that our kids are almost at the age where we can get out and do things alone as a couple. She's liking that. Lol. Kudos to you though.

We did take in an 8 year old girl in March. It's looking like she's with us long term. Mom is mia. Dad died. Older sisters are into drugs and prostitution. Sad for her but all we can do is give her a stable loving home.
 

Melensdad

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Well we had never considered ADOPTING when we started the journey of becoming foster parents but that is now on the table of things we are considering.

I think its hard not to fall in love with a baby. At 59 years old we know we are old and would be very old parents but why not? I'm sort of in shock, but the lovely Mrs_Bob is all in favor and I guess I have no reason why not.
 

NorthernRedneck

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That's awesome. Whatever happens your heart is in the right place. We're still one court date away from finalizing our adoption. Worked on it for nearly 2 years and were set to go to court March 17th for the judge to stamp the final papers. Covid hit and shut everything down March 16th including court proceedings and they won't do family court via video conferencing so we wait.
 
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