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Becoming foster parents?

Melensdad

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So the lovely Mrs_Bob and I are having our first interview to see if we can become foster parents. The interview is an in-house inspection/visit by a state licensed agency and will be happing late this morning.

I gather this process takes months to complete? 3 to 6 months. Background checks, dog vaccinations, car registration & proof of insurance, valid driver's licenses, income verification, birth certificate copies, they even want a well water inspection.

We shall see how it goes.

How many here are familiar with this? Either as a former foster kid or a foster parent?
 

pirate_girl

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Good luck with it Bob.
I was never a foster parent, but was in the big sister program with a young girl many years ago.
 

Melensdad

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Preliminary meeting went very well, lasted about 2 hours including the property walk through. It was not a complete inspection but rather just a walk through to insure we had the facilities we claimed. So nobody dug into the cabinets to look snoop. Most of the time was spent talking, asking questions, etc.

We move forward with background checks and fingerprinting on Saturday.

There will be classes that we take, which, if I understand the schedule, will be completed before Thanksgiving. We also learn basic first aid, CPR, etc.

NOT SURE HOW IT WORKS IN OTHER STATES but apparently foster care in Indiana is typically a 3 to 12 month commitment per child. The child/children come to you, typically after an emergency/tragedy and may arrive any time of the day, including the middle of the night. You typically have the child/children for about 3 months because that is the basic amount of time the state takes to set up court dates for custody, to find relatives that the child/children can move in with permanently, to do background checks on the relatives, etc.

Many fosters are children of incarcerated criminals, children of accident victims who end up in long term hospital care, orphans due to accidents, etc. Many are also abuse victims, kids who are raised in drug houses, etc.

The classes we will be taking include some rudimentary/basic psychological counseling so we can hopefully spot some behavioral cues that might indicate unknown problems, etc.

Anyway we are going to proceed forward to the next steps.
 

NorthernRedneck

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Not sure on the process in the states but up here we had to go through a 10 session training thing as well as all of the things you mentioned.

I will say that you guys better be prepared for anything. It's not as bad if you get a child young enough without medical problems. But a lot of the kids in the foster care system are born addicted to drugs or have fetal alcohol syndrome or other issues.

Also be prepared for the constant home visits from workers. Bringing kids to appointments. Specialists. Doctors. Optical appointments. Dental appointments. You WILL have workers in your home on a regular basis. More often if they have medical or behavioral issues. If there's biological family still involved, there will be visits that will affect your plans and schedules. There's a lot of frustrations as well even with dealing with the workers. You will have to accept that you are raising a child that isn't yours and most decisions will have to be approved by the agency. Even things like family vacations and travel plans will require more planning as you have to get approval for everything. It takes a lot of patience and understanding.

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NorthernRedneck

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One more thing, you won't always agree with the agency's decision. You could have a child in your home that you have raised and loved for years and without warning that child be removed from your home and you never see them again. That's been the hardest part of fostering for me. Knowing that we provided the best loving home that we could for a child then losing that child. It's actually worse than mourning the loss of a loved one. When a loved one dies, you know they aren't coming back. When a child leaves your home, you know that they are out there somewhere and you may never see them again. The child will be out there and no matter how much you want to still be involved, you may never have that chance.

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Melensdad

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Not sure on the process in the states but up here we had to go through a 10 session training thing as well as all of the things you mentioned.

I will say that you guys better be prepared for anything. It's not as bad if you get a child young enough without medical problems. But a lot of the kids in the foster care system are born addicted to drugs or have fetal alcohol syndrome or other issues.

Also be prepared for the constant home visits from workers. Bringing kids to appointments. Specialists. Doctors. Optical appointments. Dental appointments. You WILL have workers in your home on a regular basis. More often if they have medical or behavioral issues. If there's biological family still involved, there will be visits that will affect your plans and schedules. There's a lot of frustrations as well even with dealing with the workers. You will have to accept that you are raising a child that isn't yours and most decisions will have to be approved by the agency. Even things like family vacations and travel plans will require more planning as you have to get approval for everything. It takes a lot of patience and understanding.

One more thing, you won't always agree with the agency's decision. You could have a child in your home that you have raised and loved for years and without warning that child be removed from your home and you never see them again. That's been the hardest part of fostering for me. Knowing that we provided the best loving home that we could for a child then losing that child. It's actually worse than mourning the loss of a loved one. When a loved one dies, you know they aren't coming back. When a child leaves your home, you know that they are out there somewhere and you may never see them again. The child will be out there and no matter how much you want to still be involved, you may never have that chance.

We are going to be going through several, but I'm not sure how many training sessions.

Here in Indiana, not even sure how it is in other US states, let alone Canada, we were told that the length of fostering a child is usually about a year. Sometimes it can be a couple or even several years but they explained to us it is typically about 1 year.

As for the visits, the agency we are working with is a private non-profit and we are pretty comfortable with them. They will be making the visits. They also accompany us to the court hearings, etc. They also said that within the first 10 days of getting a child we have to schedule doctor and dentist appointments, and those must occur within the first 30 days. They have other local foster parents, lists of doctors/dentists/specialists etc and claim they will help keep everything on schedule and reasonably streamlined.

We were told to be prepared for a 3 month minimum stay as it takes that long to get a court date scheduled for initial custody hearings. As it was explained to us, the State of Indiana apparently is pretty aggressive about tracking down biological relatives and working to transfer the kids to biological family members, even if they are somewhat distant relations.

Clearly we are clueless on all this other than what we were told so the more info you can give the better!
 

NorthernRedneck

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That sounds about like what we were told. All the agencies follow similar procedures. I know that up here, the medical and dental stuff gets booked the same as you described. The child is assigned a worker. We have a foster parent worker. And the biological family has a worker.

They preach up here too that they want bio family to step up and care for the kids. Quite often that just isn't possible. Take for example the girl we are adopting. She has two older sisters also in care. Her aunt and uncle tried caring for them for a few years but had issues of their own which eventually led to them giving up on the girls. They went to live with a neighbor who tried for 8 months to care for them but couldn't. So they all came into care after 5 years of trying to make the family option work. The girls were fighting like crazy so they were split up. Even now it's nothing but fighting when they get together. The only family member who is still involved is grandpa. And he only has a 3 hour visit every month.

How it works up here is that when a child comes into care, the agency works with the biological family to attempt to identify a suitable caregiver. Meanwhile all the court proceedings are taking place and after one year, the child is deemed a ward of the state(crown ward up here). Once that happens, the child is typically in the system until they are 18 years old. And any biological family then has to prepare a plan and go before a judge to get the kids back in their care. This doesn't happen often. And if the child has medical or behavioral problems, they just get bounced around from home to home. Some ends up in group homes when they have exhausted all options for a foster home.

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Melensdad

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Thanks!

Keep the info coming.

Went today to get our fingerprints taken and submitted. Same place I had my prints taken for my TSA Pre-check. Same place that takes prints for concealed carry licenses too. Not sure why they don't already have multiple sets of mine on file?
 

Big Dog

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I couldn’t handle the bureaucracy ......... God Bless you Bob!
 

NorthernRedneck

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It is a lot of bureaucracy but the big picture is those kids who are left to fend for themselves and grow up in the system bounced around from home to home and school to school because their parents made poor choices. They act like idiots and it's the kids who suffer.

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NorthernRedneck

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I understand the bureaucracy part of it being a deterrent but for years prior when there was less bureaucracy and just about anyone could become foster parents, there were a lot more gaps in the level of care these kids received. Lots of mistakes made. People who shouldn't have kids to begin with allowed to care for a stranger's child and quite often the foster parents didn't receive the proper training and couldn't handle the various situations that they encountered with the kids resulting in further abuse to the children. So today because of this, there are many more rules and standards the foster parents have to follow.

Gone are the days when just anyone could walk in and get a foster child. Or walk into an orphanage and point to a kid saying "I want that one" then walking out with a child and never hearing anything from the orphanage again.

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Big Dog

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I understand the bureaucracy part of it being a deterrent but for years prior when there was less bureaucracy and just about anyone could become foster parents, there were a lot more gaps in the level of care these kids received. Lots of mistakes made. People who shouldn't have kids to begin with allowed to care for a stranger's child and quite often the foster parents didn't receive the proper training and couldn't handle the various situations that they encountered with the kids resulting in further abuse to the children. So today because of this, there are many more rules and standards the foster parents have to follow.

Gone are the days when just anyone could walk in and get a foster child. Or walk into an orphanage and point to a kid saying "I want that one" then walking out with a child and never hearing anything from the orphanage again.

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I don't disagree but the level to which it is now is ridiculous.... and you won't change my opinion.
 

NorthernRedneck

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It's like everything else. Overregulation. Cover your butt so mistakes of the past don't reoccur.

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Melensdad

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We are going to our first class in a couple of hours.

I'm assuming it will be a major reality check? Supposed to last 3 hours. I hope they have donuts and coffee.
 

NorthernRedneck

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Good luck. The training is eye opening. Most of it is common sense though. We had a mixture of people when we did ours. It's designed to cover a broad range of scenarios. Some couples were fostering. Some were becoming a kinship home. Meaning that the kids are in care but going to stay with family members. But the family members follow the same rules and guidelines as foster parents. And there was a couple that was adopting from a foreign country. As well as a few couples who were adopting locally.

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Melensdad

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So last night we both passed our CPR and basic lifesaving class. Another foster parent requirement checked off the list.

It covered infant, child and adult CPR. Also the use of a defibulator machine, tourniquet use, hypoglycemia care, siezure care, etc.

Not sure it covered most of those things in depth, it was a basic course. I'd have liked a lot more information on some of the topics. A lot more.

But in any case it is one more step to becoming certified as a foster parent. Today I have a doctor's appointment to see if I am physically and mentally fit to become a foster parent. Basic form a doctor fills out. Can't imagine I can fail. I have a have a pulse, I don't drool on myself (too often) and generally I can contain my sarcasm when kids are present.

Over the past couple of weeks we have had several meetings, home inspections, interviews, etc. I've updated all my fire extinguishers, tested the CO and Smoke alarms, even updated a couple of alarms. Installed some child resistant locks too. We are making progress. Should be ready by Feb 1.
 

Melensdad

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Yesterday we signed the foster parent contract with the non-profit fostering agency.

It is the final step we take prior to getting a state license, and then a kid or two.

Our timeline to get this done was a litter longer than it should have been, with the holidays and moving Melen from California back to her law school apartment in southern Indiana we had some delays. So no bias against the system, the delays were our own.

So now we wait for the gubmint to approve us. We were told it can be as quick as a couple of days or as long as a few weeks. Just depends upon how busy the clerks who process this stuff are at the child services office in the state capital.

As we understand it, the demand for foster parents is very high so ASSUMING we get approved, we could be getting a child or two very quickly.
 

Bamby

New member
Since the kids are likely to be a bit older I'm assuming early teens, do they attempt to do any kind of profiling in a attempt to place the kids in homes that may share many common interests or values.

There was a time I'd have loved to shared my my time in the woods, streams and creeks with a kid who could also learn to and admire in the beauty of nature. Vrs maybe a kid who only love was sports and lived in front of a TV following his favorite teems.
 

NorthernRedneck

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Good stuff. Being a foster parent can be very rewarding but also very challenging when dealing with the child's individual problems. Remember that most of these children have abandonment and trust issues and can be very difficult to deal with. Many have medical and psychological problems that will affect them the rest of their lives.
 

Bannedjoe

Well-known member
I also salute you and your wife.
This is a large undertaking that may involve great rewards, as well as potential heartbreak.
I'm fairly sure many of these kids will come to you well on the path of being broken people.
I'm sure your goal has to be to upright their ships, and get them sailing on a proper course.

I truly commend you, for I was a complete failure with my own kids.
 

pirate_girl

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I could NEVER do this.
Ever.
It's the unknown that would frighten me, no matter how much red tape, training, information is out there it's the idea of a kid with a past that now becomes your present to deal with.
Long term.
Your responsibility.
Nope, no way.
I do admire folks who can do this though.
If their hearts are in it 1,000% for all the right reasons.
 

NorthernRedneck

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During my time as a worker working with both foster kids and parents, I've seen all kinds of kids and also foster parents. Some of the parents genuinely care while others are just in it for the money. We rarely submit receipts for anything. I know some foster parents who keep track of every mile they drive with the kid in the vehicle and submit mileage claims to the agency.

Some of the kids are on a good path while others, as soon as they hit the teenage years, are skipping school, turning to drugs and drinking, shoplifting, joining gangs etc.
 

NorthernRedneck

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The following is a story I came across about one foster parents experience with a child...



This is a MUST read. My cousin is a foster parent with five children. She and her husband recently adopted four out of the five siblings! It has been a joy to watch her in this journey—just like it was a joy watching her grow up. I love how she "keeps it real" when it comes to living the life of fostering and adoption. She shared this on her personal page and I reached out to her to share it here because it is just that good and so very relevant.

Edited for privacy:

"Tonight, after 2.5 years of living here, my oldest son sat down at the table with this. He was about to chow down when I stopped him and asked what in the world he was doing.

He said, “I made myself dinner.”

“But it isn’t cooked. I can cook that you know.” (she said)

“Well, I wanted to eat something I used to eat a lot with my old family.”

So we sat down, and I asked him to tell me about it. He said that they wouldn’t feed him due to being passed out (you can guess why) and he would have to make dinner for himself and his brothers (two years old and four months old when they came to us). He said that all the money they had would be spent on cigarettes and other fun things ([emoji51]) and so he would find change in their van and would buy Ramen packets at the store down the street (at age six!!!!).

He said he didn’t know how to boil water, so he would eat it like this. And, he actually grew to like it. So, he would break it up for his sibling, and would try to make bottles for the baby (at age six!!!!!!).

Guys. I asked him to make me some. And, I sat there beside him and crunched it down with lots of water because it’s not great—and he just started talking about how the first time I made them Ramen, he wouldn’t eat it, and I told him I remembered. He said it’s because it reminded him of his Ramen packets and he didn’t trust me (big thoughts for nine!).

He said he isn’t sad he’s not with his “old family” (his words) anymore, but that sometimes HE LIKES TO REMEMBER HOW STRONG HE HAD TO BE.

I write this so everyone knows, trauma isn’t healed quickly (sometimes never), an adoption doesn’t erase the past or the memories, kids can change, they will change with love, and to never give up on a kid because “they are hard”.

And then, I walked away in shock, in sadness, and so, so, so proud of how strong my baby is. He’s so wonderful. And, we love him so much."

Friends, THIS is the life experience of kids who come from hard places. THIS is living a trauma-informed life. We can't imagine what kids from hard places have lived through. It is not just about one act of abuse or neglect, it is about living in survival mode and doing it day in and day out. It is about making sure younger siblings are also surviving, even at the expense of childhood.

Trauma infuses itself into every pore. Kids just don't forget it. Their brains and bodies won't let them. Those of us privileged enough (yes, I said privileged) to enter into the lives of children with hard life experiences must be willing to sit down, eat uncooked Ramen noodles and listen. We must not give up.

Our kids didn't.

*via Barren to Blessed
a6f63824c85398f336b626a6aadba132.jpg
 

NorthernRedneck

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I know. I've seen some sad scenarios. On one occasion, the children were returned to their parents who were known drug users who would do anything to get their drugs.

The agency would help by providing groceries for the family. What would happen was the worker would take them to the grocery store and buy $200 worth of food. After dropping the parents off at their home with the groceries, the worker would leave. Another vehicle would show up and they would load up the groceries into that car in exchange for oxycontin. The people would provide empty boxes and packaging for the parents to put in the cupboard. Upon returning later in the week to check on them, the worker would look in the cupboards and see what appeared to be stocked with food. What the worker didn't realize was that all the boxes were empty and the kids were starving.

The parents would of course go on social media with pictures of their supposedly stocked cupboards saying the agency was being mean to them and rallied up a bunch of support for them and smeared the agency meanwhile they were in fact getting the agency to buy groceries which they then exchanged for drugs. And the agency would be the nasty ones while the parents came out looking good.
 

NorthernRedneck

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I know. Like I said. I've seen some sad situations. But in the eye of the public, the child welfare agency comes out as the bad guy in a lot of cases.
 

NorthernRedneck

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How's this whole coronavirus thing affecting your application process for becoming foster parents?

Our workers are still working but from home. We actually got a call a couple weeks ago to take in an 8 year old girl from another foster home as a respite. Well, long story short is that she is now placed with us permanently. Been in care since she was 3. She's 8 now and is projected to be in care till she's 18.
 
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