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Becoming foster parents?

Melensdad

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That's awesome. Whatever happens your heart is in the right place. We're still one court date away from finalizing our adoption. Worked on it for nearly 2 years and were set to go to court March 17th for the judge to stamp the final papers. Covid hit and shut everything down March 16th including court proceedings and they won't do family court via video conferencing so we wait.

We already have our first hiccup while looking at the possibility of adoption.

The mother, who is a drug addict, decided she wanted to fight for custody and is entering residential rehab.

Earlier this week 2 case workers, from 2 different agencies, assured us that the mother is absent, has no interest in the child will not make her court appearance. Case workers were wrong. Mom wants the child. Attended the court appearance with a lawyer. Had a plan to regain custody. Much as we've bonded with him it just makes sense to favor the natural mother.

We now know that we have custody until the next court date, which is set for Sept 30 of this year. At least we now know some sort of timeline. Up until not we didn't know if we would have him for a couple weeks, couple months or a couple years. While we know for fact that we have him into the fall of this year, we PROBABLY will have him for more like 18 months (give or take 6 months) based on the average time to complete the process of reclaiming custody.
 

NorthernRedneck

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That's the frustrating thing about child welfare. There's no telling sometimes what will happen and things come out of left field without warning.

As a worker, sometimes I would work for weeks or months on a plan for a child and have everything in place then something totally unexpected would happen and I'd have to scramble with only a couple hours to go before a significant life event occurred that changed all my planning.
 

Melensdad

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So it looks like we are going to be losing our little baby Felix (Kobe) very soon.

The state wants to strip custody from the mom and put him into a 'pre-adoptive' home. At a few months shy of 60 years old I'm too old to adopt him. I'd be pushing 80 when he enters college. And while I have no plans/desires to die soon, the reality is that if we adopt this beautiful baby boy we could also end up orphaning him and throwing him into the adoption cycle again in the future. Or, conversely we'd be turning our currently 25 year old daughter into a mother.

Somehow none of that seems fair to him (or to Melen).

Just seems like the right choice is to move him into a home where he can be adopted and live with a forever family. Not sure how quickly he will be moved out of our home, but I'd guess pretty quickly :neutral:
 

NorthernRedneck

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That's the tough thing about fostering. When the child is gone, there's a feeling of loss similar to when someone dies only worse because they are still very much alive but you struggle with the fact that you likely will never see them again.

But we pull up our big boy panties and keep plugging forward awaiting the next child who will come into your life and steal your heart. It never gets easier.
 

Melensdad

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Well we have not notified anyone we won't keep him and adopt him. We basically have remained silent at this point. This is really tough.
 

pirate_girl

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I'd be bawling my eyes out if I had to say goodbye to a beautiful little baby.
You all did well Bob in giving him the love and care you have.
 

Melensdad

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Well the lovely Mrs_Bob is wrestling with all this.

Meanwhile there is a beautiful baby boy asleep on the couch next to me (and also next to Walter the female rescue dog) while the morning WGN9 news plays in the background.
 

Melensdad

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So we had a meeting with the state child/family services lady who is in charge of the case of our little Kobe (Felix).

Looks like they will NOT be moving him out of our house anytime soon. A bit over a week ago we were told that they wanted to move him to a "pre-adoptive" home. BUT, apparently the natural mother, who is a drug addict, is playing some games, and the state feels it is not in the best interest of the baby to move him out of our home. All the medical reports and the agency reports show that he is thriving in our home. The want to keep him thriving and feel he is best off here, at least for the near future.

We had the heart-to-heart conversation with her about the realities of our age, our concerns and what is best for him. Actually the lovely Mrs_Bob did 90% of the talking, which I think was good. She verbalized all the downsides, I think she is coming to grips with the fact that we really are too old to be adopting an infant.

She told us that ultimately he will be moved, but it is likely at least 6 months away, possibly 18 months away.

I think it took away some of our fear that he'd be gone soon. We now have a bit of a timeline and it looks very likely we will have him through the end of the calendar year and possibly quite a bit longer. In some ways that will make things harder when its time to give him up, but it also takes away our immediate fear that we will get a phone call saying they are coming to pick him up.
 

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NorthernRedneck

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Good stuff. That's the thing about fostering. The child could be gone tomorrow. You just don't know. You get attached to them but the reality is that you know in the back of your mind that you could get a call tomorrow telling you to pack up his things and they'll be there to pick him up in a few hours.
 

Melensdad

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Had another meeting with our social worker for Kobe. Looks like we will be losing Kobe in February.

We know we will have him at least thru a late January court date, so we have him for the holidays and can plan for having him through January, but not much longer.

The state will be asking for his mother's rights to be revoked at the next hearing, which will be in late January. So shortly thereafter it is likely that Kobe will move to a family that will become his adoptive parents. The lovely Mrs_Bob will be heartbroken but I'm glad we found out today, it will give us time to adjust to the reality that we know he is going to be moving and that we have a timeline.

One thing we have always had is uncertainty. This seems to take that away.

Our case worker was pretty sure it will be pretty quick after the January court date.


*** His mother is not complying with anything at this point, other than she asked to regain custody at the initial hearing she has done absolutely nothing to try to regain her rights. So UNLESS THAT CHANGES DRAMATICALLY there is no chance she will regain custody rights.
 

NorthernRedneck

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That's the tough part of fostering. Glad he will have a sense of permanency though.

I talk to myself to get an expert opinion.
 

Melensdad

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My cousin's daughter wants to adopt. She & her husband are already foster parents and approved for adoption.

  • We are making a trip to Columbus, OH with Kobe on Monday to have them meet our boy. We've had extensive talks with her.
  • Our case worker in IN for Kobe is in favor of transferring Kobe to them for the purposes of adoption.
  • The state has NOT yet taken away the mother's rights to Kobe, but intends to start the formal process at our next court hearing in January.
  • Kobe's mother reportedly has not responded to the court orders for rehabilitation, job searching, etc.
  • Between now and that court hearing we plan to have a couple trips to Columbus.
  • She & her 2 sons will probably come here a couple times. Her husband is being deployed on Wednesday so he will not be coming here. Because he is being deployed this may be the only time he gets to see Kobe until he is transferred to their home, which could happen as early as February.
  • She has family that is still local to me and comes to this area of IN a few times a year.

For us this would be a huge win as we would get to remain, at least partially, in his life when he ultimately gets adopted. We are very hopeful that all this will work out for all of us.
 

Melensdad

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Got my fingers crossed for y'all. :thumbup:

Thanks Frank

We were in contact with my "niece" (not sure what she is, as she is my 1st cousin's daughter ... is that a niece, or a 1st cousin once removed???) shortly after we got him. We had some discussions but didn't know how to work the cross-state line issue, and at that point it was pre-mature to even consider it because Kobe's mother, in the 1 and only court appearance she showed up for, said she wanted to regain custody.

Everything has been moving toward the state removing custody. Now is the time to act and doing this now would keep us in his life. If we didn't have them, we'd lose him as he moved back into the "system".
 

jillcrate

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Good luck Bob,

Not easy to become foster parents....... I hope it all goes well..... I will say a prayer for you!
 

Melensdad

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Bob the Builder?

And yes he is sitting in a dig bed, it is softer than the tile floor.
 

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Melensdad

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Things are progressing but there has been a new development.

Kobe's 40 year old 1/2 sister has now had contact with him. She had 1 supervised visit at a counseling center last month. Today there will be another supervised visit. She consistently says she has no ability or desire to adopt him but she does want to make sure he is well taken care of and in a good home. She has also had a conversation with the lovely Mrs_Bob and it seems that she believes we are good foster parents. She is also aware of the fact that my cousin's daughter's family is working to adopt him and she was comforted by the fact that they are Baptists and involved in their church as she has been praying for guidance and is very religious too.

As for his health and growth he is doing GREAT, picking up weight and size each time we take him for his monthly physicals. He is now officially crawling, rather than simply dragging or scooting himself a couple feet, he now actively explores the room when we allow it. He is able to mimic, clap, smile and reach out, he has figured out how to throw toys (but we've not been allowing that with food).

He's probably the happiest baby I've ever seen but since he gets 24/7 active care by 2 old people who have nothing better to do than spoil him I suppose that is expected.
 

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Melensdad

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My cousin's daughter is coming over to our home today with her boys. They are traveling in from Ohio and will be here for 2 days. Together we are working with our state case worker to try to work out a favorable arrangement for our little Kobe. At the end of this month the state is planning to change his status to "pre-adoptive" and shortly after that point we will be losing him to a family that is looking to adopt. My cousin is already a licensed foster parent and is considered "pre-adoptive" plus, she has already established a bit of a relationship with Kobe through personal meetings. So their visit is just to reinforce that relationship and hopefully get some more bonding time with Kobe.

Officially our case worker cannot help, advise, etc and she is doing a good job of staying neutral. But the reality is that nobody else who is related to Kobe is actually stepping up and doing the right things or qualified. So the betting odds work in favor of my cousin, which is what we are hoping for too! And this is just one more step in a process that will probably take 9 months to 1 year to finish.
 

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Melensdad

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Sounds like the best situation for him.
Emotionally its tough to give him up.

Realistically and logically it seems to be the best situation.

Our case worker & her supervisor have had discussions with the various legal departments involved as my cousin's daughter is from Ohio and that complicates things but the state advocate's legal team said that what is best for the baby is what they will support and they see no barrier to moving him out of state. Its been done before so it is not unprecedented but it is not typically done. So that barrier seems to be a minor issue.

We just have to keep hoping that nobody crawls out of the woodwork that has a legitimate right to adopt him. He does have a 3 year old sister who was adopted. His parents are looking to adopt him, but they seem to be less desirable in the eyes of the family services people. There is a kinship issue but apparently it is a weak issue and they had previously said they had zero interest. Their interest is new, the wife wants it, the husband apparently is less than thrilled??? They have zero contact and so no relationship or bonding. The judge might rule for them but it would likely be a ruling in opposition to recommendations. And we have been told the judges almost always (98%+) follow the recommendations.
 

NorthernRedneck

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I know it's a stressful nail biting experience as all we want is what's best for the child.

Prior to us adopting Hollie, she had been living with her biological aunt along with her second oldest sister (there are 3 girls) for 4 years until she had a mental breakdown after her biological daughter committed suicide. So she made an arrangement with the neighbor to care for the girls. That only lasted 8 months then the agency became involved and had to find homes for all 3 girls. Even up until the day of the finalizing of the adoption in court, the aunt was coming across with the mindset of "I don't want the girls but I don't want anyone else to care for them". She was against the adoption and our fear was that she would show up in court, give a big sob story, and the judge would take pity and not proceed with the adoption.

So back this up to last March. We had a March 17th court date to finalize everything. Auntie is calling the agency contesting the adoption. We're all on edge including Hollie as she's old enough to know what's going on. Then we get a phone call from the courts on March 16th. Everything is postponed because of covid. That meant anxiously waiting for an undetermined amount of time for a court date.

Over the next few months things start to reopen virtually with the courts so we wait. And wait. Then wait some more as the courts are only doing serious criminal proceedings virtually and keep saying that they will only resume adoption proceedings when they can do it in person. Oh great! This will just give nutjob auntie more time to try and turn things around. Sorry but in her mind, she wanted the girls to grow up in foster care and she could see them whenever she wants but put them back on a shelf until the next time she wanta to play with them.

Finally in July the courts announced that they would start doing family court virtually and notified us that our case would be the very first virtual adoption in the whole province. Great! But there's still a chance that Auntie will try to interfere. She didn't and even though we were fully prepared to work with her to ensure full access to Hollie, she refused to even communicate with us and essentially started punishing Hollie for it by ignoring her phone calls and not allowing any contact to take place.

Fast forward to Christmas. Auntie starts up contact with Hollie again. Makes a bunch of promises, then doesn't follow through and stops all contact again.
 

Melensdad

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I think the uncertainty part is the worst part.

If we were younger we would adopt him and the state would very likely back that adoption based on the available options ... at this point. But as you point out that is subject to change. Right now the likelihood of my cousins getting him placed into their home is probably about 70%, maybe a bit higher. If they do get him, then they only need to worry about family wanting to take him away and so far that is less of an issue. We beleive there is perhaps a 30% chance that the adoptive parents of his 3 year old sibling could get him, but our case work and a couple others in the department seem to be opposed to that transfer.

If the adoptive sibling's parents are denied foster custody they will pretty much have an expensive legal battle to adopt him. And as they have money issues, which they outright told the social worker, then that would take them out of the picture.
 

Melensdad

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We are in Columbus until Tuesday afternoon visiting with my cousins family that is trying to adopt Kobe. Things are looking good, Kobe appears to be bonding with Denise. Napping in her arms, feeding, playing and diaper changes are non issues. It’s comforting for us to watch. We just need the judge to agree.
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Melensdad

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Kobe got an ambulance ride yesterday.

He has had a couple of head colds with runny noses over the past year. Starting Wednesday he got another runny nose. Ditto Thursday and Friday. Acted fine, slept well, ate well, etc. Saturday he didn't eat or drink too much. Saturday evening he was 'stuffier' and did not sleep very well. Sunday morning we decided to take him to the local hospital.

Lots of tests, some X-rays, all the tests came back NEGATIVE but the x-ray showed he had bronchitis. Bronchitis is a virus, usually pretty mild. But they wanted to continue to observe him. Said it usually "peaks" in severity on day 4 with infants. Said he probably should stay in the hospital for observation.

BUT, the local hospital closed its PEDIATRIC floor due to covid. It was the only hospital in the area to have a dedicated pediatric floor??? No other local hospital (there are at least 4 other hospitals in this county that have 300+ beds) has a pediatric ward. They said he needed to be sent by ambulance to a dedicated children's hospital. WTF? Chicago, 50 miles away. South Bend, 90 miles away. Or Indianapolis, 150 miles away.

I'm like can't I just drive him? It took about 3.5 hours to get him from Crown Point, IN to Chicago by ambulance. It is about an hour and 15 minute drive by car. They had to arrange to get a transport ambulance to the hospital. 60 minutes of wasted time. Then the transport ambulance had to actually drive to the hospital. Blah blah blah. Not sure why they wouldn't let me drive him.

The last time this type of thing happened in our family was with our daughter, they wanted to call the helicopter to fly her to the hospital in Chicago. I put her in the car and drove her. Got there quicker than they could have done it in the helicopter.


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Melensdad

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I just got him back home. He was released after 1 night. In the hospital for about 30 total hours.

Given the crap roads coming south out of Chicago with a major lake effect snowstorm dumping fluffy powder onto the roadway I would have preferred they kept him 1 more night just to avoid the weather but that is not how hospitals work, especially when beds are at a premium.

They were taking their time so finally at NOON I told the nurse, after she confirmed he would be released, that I wanted to be on the road before 2pm so we could get home before dark (yes, I did exaggerate the drive to Indiana). After that she got us the discharge papers and it still took 2.5 hours to get out of the building.
 

Melensdad

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This week has felt like a month.

During the daytime on Tuesday Kobe started getting 'clingy' and the lovely Mrs_Bob thought maybe he was feeling warm. He had a Tuesday late afternoon/early evening supervised visit with his grandmother at a counseling center. This is a normal occurrence. Then Tuesday late evening he is starting to feel warmer. Wednesday he seemed pretty reasonable during the day but in the middle fo the night a real fever hit. Off to the emergency room. ER Doctor suspected Strep + possibly Scarlet Fever, as his cheeks were pink. Gave him a long acting antibiotic shot. Told us alternate Tylenol and Advil.

Next day followed up with his regular doc. She suspected Roseola. Said the normal treatment is Tylenol and Advil, alternating. Has to run its course. As the fever started going down we noticed red spots starting to pop up on his torso. Fever finally broke, he is acting like a normal active 1 year old, but now we nicknamed him "Spot" and are trying to teach him how to fetch a stick.

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While all that was going on our little 13 pound female Terrier, Walter, got very excited and jumped off our bed, over the footboard and landed hard on the floor. Massive YELP from her in pain. Immediately her front right leg was sticking out sideways. Off to the vet with her. X-rays. She injured her spine. Prognosis was "mixed" and the doctor said IF SHE HEALS then she will be pretty much normal. If not then she could lose use of that 1 leg, or possibly that leg + both back legs. Got meds. Got instructions.

So we sent our other dog, Mitty, to live with his aunt. Walter is temporarily the sole dog in our home. She cannot climb stairs. Cannot jump. Cannot play with other dogs. Basically she was prescribed a week of bed rest. How do you get a high strung terrier to rest???

The GOOD NEWS is that she is walking on all 4 legs this morning. Runs on 3 legs. But walking looks normal. So she is healing. Just have to keep this up, which means carrying her everywhere because our house is built on the side of a ridge and has 4 living levels so basically stairs everywhere. Carrying her outside to the yard for bathroom breaks, etc. The multitude of BABY GATES come in handy for keeping her reasonably confined. We are VERY HOPEFUL now that she will recover.
 
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