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Old 03-28-2018, 05:50 PM
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Default Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Data

Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Data

Satire fron the Onion

https://www.theonion.com/mark-zucker...-by-1824149833

MENLO PARK, CA–Accessing the data his platform has harvested over the years from its nearly 2 billion users, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly prepared Wednesday for his upcoming congressional testimony by poring over the personal information of U.S. senators and representatives.

“Let’s see here, as long as I get these analytics down pat, I should be able to accurately predict their behavior and opinions and deliver a message they can immediately fall in line with,” said Zuckerberg, who carefully studied the private data Facebook has obtained from members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, as well as their constituents, in hopes of manipulating the lawmakers’ behavior and keeping his company unregulated.

“Once I’ve learned their exact personality traits from these data profiles, all I’ll need to do is tailor my responses in a way that preys on their hidden vulnerabilities. With all the good stuff here, I should be able to get those dumbfucks eating out of my hand and make it out of there in an hour, tops.”

At press time, sources confirmed Zuckerberg was researching the lurid details of the committee members’ personal lives and looking for something he could use as an icebreaker in his opening remarks.
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Old 03-28-2018, 06:47 PM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

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Old 03-29-2018, 08:26 AM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

All Fuckerberg will do is present each lawmaker with a big bag of cash and everyone will look the other way.
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Old 03-29-2018, 12:25 PM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

I would say there is probably some truth in this, except most of those old geezers are too old and too out of touch with the rest of the world to even understand what Facebook is. If they have an account, it is because some intern is running it for them.
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Old 04-07-2018, 03:46 PM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

Yep cross their palm with silver and all will be forgiven.
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Old 04-11-2018, 01:12 PM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

Quote:
Originally Posted by jwstewar View Post
I would say there is probably some truth in this, except most of those old geezers are too old and too out of touch with the rest of the world to even understand what Facebook is. If they have an account, it is because some intern is running it for them.


NOT TRUE!!!!My wife is not an intern!
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:28 PM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

All satire aside; did any of y'all see how he drank from the water glass before testimony?


Meme-worthy material lol
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Old 04-11-2018, 04:34 PM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

Zuckerberg is described as "contrite?' Well, he is going to try and "reverse" the ban on Diamond and Silk.


http://thegatewaypundit.com/2018/04/...1c9c5-18622229
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:15 PM
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Default Re: Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony, Studies Congressmens Personal Da

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrancSevin View Post
Zuckerberg is described as "contrite?' Well, he is going to try and "reverse" the ban on Diamond and Silk.


http://thegatewaypundit.com/2018/04/...1c9c5-18622229
Calls for a toon.
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