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  #221  
Old 07-07-2017, 04:07 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

When I was a kid, my brother took going to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
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  #222  
Old 07-10-2017, 06:40 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Why did God create man before woman?
Because He did not want any advice.
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  #223  
Old 07-12-2017, 09:21 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Starting today!
I'm going to live everyday like it's my last.
And who would want to clean the house on their last day on earth?
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  #224  
Old 07-14-2017, 10:20 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

If I was really rich, I’d do nothing all day.
Except from a much nicer recliner!
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  #225  
Old 07-14-2017, 10:26 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I can remember when women treated me like God
Thought of me when they needed something.
Forgot about me when things were going well.
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  #226  
Old 07-16-2017, 09:31 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I have learned that the best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence.
Then the other person thinks it's just a dropped call.
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  #227  
Old 07-21-2017, 07:37 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter.
"If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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  #228  
Old 07-23-2017, 07:09 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Wow, if you think things improve with age,
attend a class reunion!
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  #229  
Old 07-24-2017, 10:57 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

What do you call a cow with Tourette syndrome?













Beef jerky!
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  #230  
Old 08-15-2017, 08:35 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Being a vegetarian is
a huge missed steak.
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  #231  
Old 08-15-2017, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.
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  #232  
Old 08-16-2017, 10:28 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
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  #233  
Old 08-16-2017, 10:29 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
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  #234  
Old 08-16-2017, 11:03 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Had a dream I was a muffler last night.
Woke up exhausted..
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  #235  
Old 08-17-2017, 10:34 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can
stop any time.
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  #236  
Old 08-21-2017, 09:01 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!" The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!
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  #237  
Old 08-22-2017, 05:07 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.
NO!
I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the Courthouse.
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  #238  
Old 08-22-2017, 05:16 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

When women hold off from marrying men, they call it independence.
When men hold off from marrying women, they call it fear of commitment.
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  #239  
Old 08-23-2017, 07:48 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework.
One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ___________.”
His response: “Receipts.”
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  #240  
Old 08-23-2017, 07:49 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I went to a new resturant called 'Karma'.
There are no menus,
You git what you deserve.
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