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  #421  
Old 10-05-2018, 06:59 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

We were playing cards the other night (Euker) and my wife come up with this:

Know why democrats are not playing cards like they used to?
None of them want to name Trump.

LOL Pretty good for off the cuff.
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  #422  
Old 10-06-2018, 10:23 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I've got to lose16 pounds before this summer is over.

I'm selling my bowling ball.

If anybody is interested!
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  #423  
Old 10-07-2018, 10:04 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

...
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  #424  
Old 10-07-2018, 07:49 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I sometimes wonder what happened to people who have asked me for directions . . .
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  #425  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:21 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I told myself I should stop drinking ....
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  #426  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:52 PM
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  #427  
Old 10-11-2018, 09:39 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:53 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

We are about $16 trillion in debt.

To understand how much money that is,

just imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.
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  #429  
Old 10-14-2018, 07:33 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful.

He asked, "Is that in the key of L?"

Puzzled, the employee says, "Key of L? I'm not really sure?"

The boss replies, "Well it sure sounds like L to me!"
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Old 10-14-2018, 08:00 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I have now expanded My skill set.

I can now forget what I'm doing while I am doing it.
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  #431  
Old 10-15-2018, 11:41 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
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  #432  
Old 10-22-2018, 05:40 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Me: it's not how many times you fall. It's how many times you get back up.

Cop: That's not how a field sobriety test is supposed to work.
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  #433  
Old 10-24-2018, 04:35 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

All my life I thought air was free,

until I bought a bag of chips at Whole Foods.
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  #434  
Old 10-24-2018, 05:09 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

If at first you don't succeed,

you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
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  #435  
Old 10-25-2018, 09:21 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.
" You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye. "
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  #436  
Old 10-25-2018, 09:36 AM
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  #437  
Old 10-25-2018, 01:20 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by pirate_girl View Post
It hard to say!!!!!!! ha!
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  #438  
Old 10-25-2018, 02:11 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by waybomb View Post
It hard to say!!!!!!! ha!
That was my handiwork thru a meme maker.
I'm quick I tell ya, quick!
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  #439  
Old 10-25-2018, 11:52 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I was doing my job as coroner at the morgue the other night, all alone, when the paramedics brought in a fresh stiff. It was a young hippie-looking girl, with a bullet hole in her forehead. She looked to be about 25, and appeared to have died instantly. Her hippie smock dress had a few blood stains on it, and she even still had a joint in her mouth. But, I noticed, otherwise she was fine, I mean really fine. Blonde, blue eyes, and a rockin', voluptuous, curvy body. Aside from the bullet hole in her head, she had a gorgeous face, too. I looked down at the poor girl, looking so peaceful, and beautiful, and young, and I thought to myself, hmmm.... Nobody's here, I'm all alone. Nobody would see anything, nobody would ever know...should I? Could I? Would I? Man, Al, this is bad, man. Then I was like, ah fuck it, damn the torpedoes, I'm gonna go for it. You only live once. So I took the joint out of her mouth, took out my lighter, lit it up and smoked it...
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Old 10-27-2018, 12:28 PM
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