Quick Jokes.

I’ve just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas, and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said: "I’ve not eaten for two days".
I told him: "I wish I had your fucking will-power".

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q.
Manager says: "Would you like a screw for that mirror?"
”No” she said, "But I’d suck your cock for a lawn mower".



I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn’t meanwhat I thought it did.




A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said: "Sorry about the wait".
I said: "Don’t worry Fatso, you’ll lose it eventually".





Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.
Murphy meets him and says: "If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?”
Paddy says: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there, you can have both of them!"
Murphy says: "Four!"



One of life’s great mysteries:-
How is it that a woman can fit a seven-inch vibrator into her half-inch fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she’s unable to fit an eight-foot car into a fifteen-foot parking space IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT?

Snow eh!
The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself "She’ll be fucking lucky with a face like that!"





I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!
It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them.
Here’s how it goes: "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like Chloroform to you?"




Years ago it was suggested "That an apple a day kept the doctor away".
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

Galvi stumbled home from the pub and found the doors all nailed shut. After he found the gasoline poured on the stoop he realized he had told the wife he was tired and going to take a nap!