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  #161  
Old 03-15-2017, 04:57 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Today, two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the range and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them.
As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: $45.
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  #162  
Old 03-15-2017, 05:02 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

How the diet going?"
"Not good, I had eggs for breakfast."
"Scrambled?"
"No, Cadbury."
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  #163  
Old 03-15-2017, 05:04 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

The map her friend had drawn indicated that the client she was to see, lived in the third farm past Wyinda road.
Try as she might, she could not find a Wyinda Road anywhere! Exasperated, she finally stopped to ask directions.
"I ain't never heard of no Wyinda Road." said the farmer. "But ya might try askin' old man McGillicuddy, he's lived 'round here for better 'n 70 years."
"Thanks," she replied. "Where can I find him?" "He lives on the second farm past the Y in da road."
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  #164  
Old 03-17-2017, 12:48 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."

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  #165  
Old 03-17-2017, 01:26 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.
" With that, she stripped completely, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new
clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers , picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumb-founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks; not all blondes are dumb... but all men... are men!
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  #166  
Old 03-19-2017, 07:58 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

FUN THINGS TO DO IN A PARK:
1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench.
2. Place an envelope beside him.
3. Whisper, “It has to look like an accident.”
4. Walk away.
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  #167  
Old 03-20-2017, 11:53 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

After 22 years of active duty in the sea services (Navy & Coast Guard) and having observed all branches of the military first hand, I can now say with utmost confidence that the main difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts is that the Boy Scouts have adult leaders!
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  #168  
Old 03-21-2017, 09:07 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by Danang Sailor View Post
After 22 years of active duty in the sea services (Navy & Coast Guard) and having observed all branches of the military first hand, I can now say with utmost confidence that the main difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts is that the Boy Scouts have adult leaders!
Is there a hidden meaning here? Can you explain? Sorry for being dense.
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Old 03-22-2017, 09:15 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers 1 to 10 well?
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
" jack then queen, then king"
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  #170  
Old 03-22-2017, 09:17 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A new poll shows 46 percent of Americans think Congress is corrupt.
The other 64 percent think Congress is extremely corrupt.
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  #171  
Old 03-22-2017, 09:21 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in
Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which
reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy
Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these,
take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our
friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the
talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might
think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to
us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they
don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia
drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100
of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them
there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup
and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South
Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you
knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
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  #172  
Old 03-22-2017, 09:22 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Yesterday was the last full day of winter.
This means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird.
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  #173  
Old 03-27-2017, 07:25 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by deand1 View Post
Is there a hidden meaning here? Can you explain? Sorry for being dense.
Hidden? No, I don't think so; just the (to me) obvious one. There has been a semi-friendly banter going on between the sea services, especially the Navy, and the Marine Corps since ... well, since forever as near as I can tell.

This quip is in the nature of a friendly gibe (or a cheap shot, depending) pointing out that the Boy Scouts have better leaders than the Marines. If you were in the Navy it would be funny - or not if you were a Sea-going Bellhop (a Marine)!
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  #174  
Old 03-28-2017, 07:44 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I'm a Marine (and former Scout leader). Heard this one a thousand times and take no offense. What does a squid know anyway?
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  #175  
Old 03-29-2017, 11:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bczoom View Post
I'm a Marine (and former Scout leader). Heard this one a thousand times and take no offense. What does a squid know anyway?
Knows enough to call a Seagoing Bellhop* when the Old Man wants his bags moved!




*A Marine, for all you Army and Air Force types.
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  #176  
Old 03-30-2017, 09:25 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I worked with the US Coast Guard a lot due to my work as a Hazmat Specialist. Have heard them called the Knee Deep Navy many times.
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  #177  
Old 03-30-2017, 10:22 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by Danang Sailor View Post
Knows enough to call a Seagoing Bellhop* when the Old Man wants his bags moved!




*A Marine, for all you Army and Air Force types.
United States Marine Corps

The man division of the US Navy.
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  #178  
Old 03-30-2017, 03:40 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by deand1 View Post
I worked with the US Coast Guard a lot due to my work as a Hazmat Specialist. Have heard them called the Knee Deep Navy many times.
One of my favorite cartoons in the Navy Times showed two sailor-types swabbing a deck. The caption was, "What I like about the Coast Guard is that, if anything goes wrong, you can always wade ashore!"
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  #179  
Old 04-20-2017, 02:38 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a sedan.
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  #180  
Old 04-20-2017, 02:38 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I broke my finger today.
However on the other hand I'm fine.
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