I am going to hell..........

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "FUK!," the Rottweiler ate her!



Guy walks into a bar & sits down,orders a beer. The bartender obliges & asks "whats with the little guy on your shoulder?"
"He says dont worry about him".
After a few minutes the little guy jumps down on the bar running up & down kicking everyones drink over, comes back jumps back on the guys shoulder. The bartender says what the hell is that about?
The guy apologizes,buys a round but says nothing else. Sure enough a few minutes later the same thing happens,the guy apologizes, buys a round but the bartender says what gives I cant have this happening all night so you better explain.
The guy says ok, I was walking on a beach one day & found an old lamp in the sand, rubbed it a genie popped out & gave 3 wishes. I wished for all the money I could ever spend, all the women I could ever do,,,,, And the bartender asked what else? The guy looked up & said a12 inch prick!!!



My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young
daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It
turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat
hanger.


A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he
hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump -Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers snatch.
Just really going to town on it. The father screams "What the hell are you doing?"
The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.


My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.


I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.


An elderly couple on a farm are sitting on their porch swing drinking their mornin coffee.
The old man reaches over and grabs the womans breast and says,"You know if these things could produce milk we could get rid of all those cows we have."
The wife looks at him and shakes her head.
He then reaches over and grabs her between the legs and says,"If that thing could produce eggs we could get rid of all the chickens we have."
The wife then turns to him clearly pizzed off, grabs his d!ck and says,"If that thing could get hard we could get rid of all your brothers!!!"


Nuns are waiting in line at the pearly gates of heaven to get with Peter guarding the gates.
Sister Becky walks up and wants in. Peter says you have to answer me one question. " Have you ever touched a penis before? Sister Becky said embarrassed, I touched one with my finger before. Peter said thats OK, just dip your finger in this holy water and you can enter.
Sister Teresa walks up. Peter said answer me this question. " Have you ever touched a penis before? Embarrassed, Sister Teresa said" I touch one with my hand. Peter said, " Thats OK just dip your hand in this Hole water and you can enter.
Just as she went to dip her hand in the water, Sister Stephanie comes runnin' up and starts gulping the holy water! Peter said " What are you doing??!! she said"
"I'm getting mine before Sister Katy sticks her ass in it!!!!

You're right, you are. and now so am i for reading it

I can't wait to forward this to my sister...Katy!!!

All the REPs I can give!!!

FOUND SOME MORE

A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a bench across the street from a children's playground. All of a sudden the priest asks the rabbi, "So you wanna screw some of those children?"
Then the rabbi says, "outta what?"


An elementary school teacher tells her class that she is going to give them three words and they need to make a sentence using those words.
The teacher then says, "the words are: Green, Pink & Yellow".
Immediately, Sally raises her hand. Teacher, teacher, I have a sentence. The grass is green, the flowers are pink & the sun is yellow. The teacher says, "nice job Sally".
Then the teacher notices Juan in the back of the class waiving his hand. She tells him to give his example. Juan says, "When I'm at home, I hear the phone, it goes green green. I pink it up & say yellow.


What did the Gorilla say after making love to Rosie O'Donnell?
Last time I try beastiality.


A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

What did the Gorilla say after making love to Rosie O'Donnell?
Last time I try beastiality.

Click to expand...

OK i gotta call bs on this one. a gorilla and rosie odonnel?

im sorry but how could you refer to that as 'making love' i think the only way to describe that would be with a word i probabyl couldnt understand and would have to make it up anyway hahahahahaaha

something like, shwartzenflaven

Gorilla......Rosie......Who's on top?





He don't write, he don't call..........

fubar said:

Gorilla......Rosie......Who's on top?





He don't write, he don't call..........

Click to expand...

I wanna know how you'd tell the difference?

And more found

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty ab out my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael,one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
"As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. "Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."



A man asks his wife, "Can I cum in your ear?"
To this the wife responds, " God no!!! I won't be able to hear anymore if you do that!!!"
The man responds, "Bullsh!t!!! I cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the fuck up!!!"



A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was F_c king the same cow."



A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time. They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."


For JPR.....
What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, “How am I doing?” The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.” “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back

Sam approached the clerk behind the counter in the pro shop and said, "I would like 18 holes and a caddie."
The clerk behind the counter said, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got eight brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course, and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
Sam anxiously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddy turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your #3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, Sam pulled out his #3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. Delighted, he turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As Sam pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddy. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the clerk behind the counter asked,"How was your game?"
Sam excitedly stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed. An excited, Sam returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to Sam and said, "Well,the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.We had too many complaints."
Confused, Sam cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"
The clerk sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny, silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
Sam said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The clerk nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."



A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
Dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!



Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so Damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning Before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every Morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so Blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental!" But he decided It wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell; bruised eyes, Broken nose, fat lip, the works!!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know,man. I went home and tried your advice. I just Told her a poem."
Well, what poem did you tell her?
Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll Your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"