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  #201  
Old 04-23-2017, 02:15 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
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  #202  
Old 04-23-2017, 02:16 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
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  #203  
Old 04-23-2017, 02:16 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
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  #204  
Old 04-23-2017, 02:17 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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  #205  
Old 04-24-2017, 06:56 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to target today.
The great news is I got promoted to assistant manager.
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  #206  
Old 04-27-2017, 06:26 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

An arrogant young woman wired home from her new job:
"Made supervisor: feather in my cap." A few weeks later, she wired again,
"Made manager: feather in my cap." Then, after a few more weeks she sent another:
"Fired: send money for ticket to fly home." Her parents wired back:
"No ticket necessary.
Use feathers."
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  #207  
Old 04-28-2017, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1 bananosecond
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  #208  
Old 04-28-2017, 09:00 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Was watching some old show the other night.
On commenting about someone's thinness, the funny guy said;

You're showing more ribs than a $2 umbrella.
I groaned, then laughed.
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  #209  
Old 05-04-2017, 01:19 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.
I replied,
"No, I always give 110%."
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  #210  
Old 05-04-2017, 01:20 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.
One is paid parking."
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  #211  
Old 05-08-2017, 08:22 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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  #212  
Old 05-12-2017, 03:48 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

So what if I can't spell 'armaggedon'?
It's not like it's the end of the world.
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  #213  
Old 05-14-2017, 06:25 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face.
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  #214  
Old 05-17-2017, 10:40 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

NBC News just showed that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs since it's conception in 2003.
The bad news is that photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs since 2003!
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  #215  
Old 05-18-2017, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I read that Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is now writing her autobiography.
I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” books.
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  #216  
Old 06-15-2017, 02:09 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
Blonde girl: "What's that mean?"
Guy: "It's an Irish Toast."
Blonde girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Guy: "Huh?"
Blonde girl: "That's French Toast."
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  #217  
Old 06-19-2017, 08:28 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Wife comes downstairs and asks her husband, who is lying on a sofa, "What have you been doing?"
He replies, "Killing Flies."
"How many you have killed so far?"
"Five, three males and two females."
"How did you figure that out?"
"Well, three were sitting on the remote and two were sitting on the phone."
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  #218  
Old 06-19-2017, 08:33 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front.
Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted.
The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
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  #219  
Old 07-06-2017, 04:09 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I'm lazier than the creater of the,
Japan flag.
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  #220  
Old 07-06-2017, 06:31 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

My train of thought derailed.
There were no survivors.
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