If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old Aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:
MONDAY - Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found It was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attribute it to standing next to her in her Lyra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging
as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it
in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week-!!
TUESDAY - I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY - The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
THURSDAY - Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY - I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY - Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY - I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my wife (not so dear) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a vasectomy.
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old Aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress:
MONDAY - Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found It was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attribute it to standing next to her in her Lyra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging
as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it
in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week-!!
TUESDAY - I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY - The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
THURSDAY - Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY - I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY - Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY - I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my wife (not so dear) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a vasectomy.
