How Many Inches?

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you
were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok,
you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed
in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000
in insurance compensation coming and we now have the
technology to build a new penis. They work great but they
don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide
how many inches you want. But I understand that you have
been married for over thirty years and this is something you
should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now
she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before
and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might
be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in
helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes
back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a
decision?" "Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

Not funny , not funny at all Jackie . Ok well maybe just a lil bit .

it's funny

You started it Jackie

Fatherly explanation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable?
Father (F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose
with your finger!!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than men?
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort
than your finger.

S : Why can women not have sex when they are Menstruating?
F : If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

S : Why do men not like to wear condoms when They are making love?
F : Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?

S : Why is making love carried out in private?
F : Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S : What is an orgasm?
F : The same as sneezing, but the other way round

S : Is it true that women love big *****?
F : Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.
As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them.
The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."