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  #241  
Old 08-29-2017, 05:43 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I'm happiest when I'm wasting time and money.
Maybe it's time to run for congress!
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  #242  
Old 09-05-2017, 02:20 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Just do it!"
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  #243  
Old 09-13-2017, 05:01 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A husband tells his wife,
"Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?".
The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.
Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".
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  #244  
Old 09-18-2017, 05:27 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc View Post
A husband tells his wife,
"Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?".
The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.
Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".
And he should be out of the hospital in a week or ten days.
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  #245  
Old 09-28-2017, 05:19 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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  #246  
Old 09-28-2017, 06:30 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
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  #247  
Old 09-28-2017, 06:32 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Redneck Vocabulary Words
Bawl: You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.
Own: Turn them lights own.
Nekkid: There he was nekkid as a jaybird.
Hep: “HEP! There’s a far!”
Shevuhlay: I got me a new shevuhlay pickup!
Tar: He got him a flat tar!
Uhmurkin: We’s uhmurkin, born and raised in the United States of Uhmurka!
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  #248  
Old 09-29-2017, 09:43 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc View Post
Redneck Vocabulary Words
Bawl: You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.
Own: Turn them lights own.
Nekkid: There he was nekkid as a jaybird.
Hep: “HEP! There’s a far!”
Shevuhlay: I got me a new shevuhlay pickup!
Tar: He got him a flat tar!
Uhmurkin: We’s uhmurkin, born and raised in the United States of Uhmurka!

I'll be honest, I now live in W Tn, and there are a LOT of people that I just can't understand.
I hear things that kinda, maybe, perhaps might be english words.
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  #249  
Old 10-01-2017, 07:00 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

My doctor told me that the lever on the side of my recliner,
is not an exercise machine.
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  #250  
Old 10-01-2017, 07:08 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I was going to get up to go running this morning,
However my toes out voted me 10-1.
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  #251  
Old 10-02-2017, 08:25 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

An Northerner was visiting Apex NC. He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Charlotte?"
The local, scratched his head, "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way."
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  #252  
Old 10-10-2017, 06:33 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

With age comes wisdom.
Huh?
Apparently wisdom weights 40 lbs.
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  #253  
Old 10-10-2017, 06:37 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I really need to get into shape.
I realized today that if I was murdered,
my chalk outline would be a circle.
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  #254  
Old 10-13-2017, 07:44 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful. He asked, "Is that in the key of L?"
Puzzled, the employee says, "Key of L? I'm not really sure?"
The boss replies, "Well it sure sounds like L to me!"
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  #255  
Old 10-13-2017, 07:44 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

My mouth is like a magician's hat.
You never know what is going to come out of it.
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  #256  
Old 10-13-2017, 08:03 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I took my family to visit the AIR & SPACE museum...
But there was nothing there!
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  #257  
Old 10-13-2017, 08:17 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

My days are backwards I wake up tired
And go to bed wide awake.
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  #258  
Old 10-17-2017, 04:42 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Isn't it funny that during a political campaign.
The air is full of speeches and vice versa?
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