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Tidbits AKA Groaners

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Doc

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I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
 

Danang Sailor

nullius in verba
GOLD Site Supporter
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
(This actually happened back in the 60's - Mods, move it to a non-joke thread if you wish)

An acquaintance was asked to fill in at the last minute when the featured speaker for a fledgling feminist group had to
cancel. During the phone conversation with the gal who was running the program he gave her the title of the talk he
wanted to give; she agreed and took that title to someone who set up programs for distribution.

On the night of the talk he was introduced and was met with boos, catcalls, and actually had to dodge things thrown at
him! He didn't understand until he saw a copy of the program on the podium. Here is the title of the speech he meant to
deliver:
"A Woman -- Without Her, Man is a Beast"

Not a bad thing, right? Unfortunately, the title was passed to the printer verbally, so this is what was ended up on the
program:
"A Woman Without Her Man is a Beast"

Punctuation Matters!!
 

Doc

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A friend told me

"You're not fat, you're just getting easier to see." :bonk:
 

Doc

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At a job interview, I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little. My interviewer asked, "Are you nervous?" I said, "No. I always give 110%!"
 

Doc

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Son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.

Dad: Give him a glass of water.
 

Doc

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Well, I can't afford health insurance anymore.
But the good news is, I still have car insurance.
So whenever I get really sick, I'll just go crash my car into a tree.
 

Doc

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Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said,
'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
 

Doc

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I don't care what people say,

I still think the correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies should be

"compost".
 

Doc

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Don't you just love Christmas lights?
They remind me of our politicians!
They all hang together, half the suckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!
 

Doc

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Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."
 

Doc

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I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry…
But graphing, THAT is where I draw the line!
 

Doc

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How is it that only one company makes the game "Monopoly?"
 

Doc

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What did the doe say after coming out of the forest?

I'll never do that again for two bucks.
 

Doc

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I don't mean to brag but last week I finished my new 14-day diet in only six hours and twenty minutes!
 

Doc

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A guy just threw a glass of milk at me,
How dairy?
 

Doc

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If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.
Now quiet please!
They're about to announce the lottery numbers!
 

Doc

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Last night, she texted me:
"your adorable."
I replied:
"no, YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her bad grammar.
 

Doc

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I hate it when people say "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say.
"He's a jerk, but you'll get used to it."
 

Doc

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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
 

Doc

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Santa's elves are just a bunch of,
subordinate Clauses.
 

Doc

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If you have a clear conscience.
It's usually a sign of a bad memory!
 

Doc

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Al: When was your son born?
Sam: In March, he came the first of the month.
Al: Is that why you named him "Bill"?

======================

I can't understand why bottled mineral water that has “trickled through mountains for centuries”
Has a “Use By” date?

----------------------------------------

"Time is the best teacher.
Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

----------------------------------

I went out to Dillards today to buy a little something for my girlfriend for Chrismas.
The sales girl suggested perfume. and showed me a little bottle that cost $50.00.
I said "do you have one a little smaller?" She showed me one for $25.00.
I said "do you have one a little smaller?" She showed me one for $15.00.
I asked "can you show me something cheaper?"
She handed me a mirror!
 

Doc

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What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

-------------------------------

If we aren't supposed to eat animals

Why are they made of meat?

---------------------------------------

Now that the Pope confirmed that animals go to heaven.
I don't feel so bad about eating one every day.

----------------------------------------

It is beginning to cost
a lot like Christmas.

----
 

Catavenger

New member
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Words of Wisdom:

Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else.


Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of car loan or mortgage payments.

. Before you criticise anyone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
. If at first you don't succeed, then sky-diving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

. If you lend someone $ 20 and never see them again, it was probably well worth it.

. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and bad experience comes from poor judgment in the first place.

. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

. There are two excellent theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

. Generally speaking, you don't learn much when your lips are moving.

. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and got our bottoms slapped. After that, things just got worse.
 
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