• Please be sure to read the rules and adhere to them. Some banned members have complained that they are not spammers. But they spammed us. Some even tried to redirect our members to other forums. Duh. Be smart. Read the rules and adhere to them and we will all get along just fine. Cheers. :beer: Link to the rules: https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/forum-rules-info.2974/

Tidbits AKA Groaners

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MrLiberty

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15439916_593276290872316_1031365290933254155_n.jpg
 

Doc

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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy and the others a little lighter....
 

Doc

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A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her.
The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten."
"That's right," the boy explained. "The last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."
 

Doc

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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second, then the blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms."
 

Doc

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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say
"I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?"
Or looked at a chicken and said
" I'll eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt?"
 

Doc

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
 

Doc

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If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns.
Make sure you go for the juggler!
 

Doc

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I found out last night that my next door neighbor is a Jehovah Witness.
He knows some really good knock knock jokes.
 

Doc

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Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed.
"You don't have a chance of hitting her from here."
 

Doc

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I Just asked Siri, “Surely its not going to rain today?”
She said, “It is, and don’t call me Shirley”
It seems that I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode. :pat:
 

Doc

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1. I got a dig bick
2. You that read wrong
3. You read that wrong too
4. You checked
5. You smiled
7. You are wondering why you're still this reading this
8. You saw that mistake... right? (On 7)
10. But did you see that I skipped 6?
10. You checked
11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9
12. I said saw you, not you saw
13. I also skipped 2
14. You got tricked
15. I'm just wasting your time go back to reading the forums. :yum: :beer: GROAN
 

Doc

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I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport
when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts
drinking a beer. I asked him,

"Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He said, "No I don't. And why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shit."
 

Doc

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I hate going to the store to buy feminine products.
How in the heck am I suppose to know what kind of dish soap she wants?
 

Doc

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An executive was interviewing a young blonde woman for a position in his company.

He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked,

"if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."
 

Doc

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What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor.
 

Doc

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Never ask a podiatrist about conversions to metric,
they only know feet.
 

Doc

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A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to stay with you! :yum:
 

NorthernRedneck

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A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to stay with you! :yum:
And just what makes you think it was his fault?




Um






Er....







Whack
 

Doc

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And just what makes you think it was his fault?




Um






Er....







Whack
Are you kidding me?
Keep this under your hat but women always, always ....I mean always truly believe it's the mans fault. And when two women discuss and argument between a man and a woman sure nuff that is one thing they will agree on .....it's the idiot mans fault. Yep, even that one time when it is really not the mans fault.
 

Doc

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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."
 

Doc

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A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:

"Please be nice to our dentists.

They have fillings too."
 

Doc

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I do 5 sit-ups every morning!
That may not sound like much to you.
However that is as many times as my snooze alarm will work.
 

Doc

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Most people don't think I'm as old as I am.
Until they hear me stand up.
 

Doc

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The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses.
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
 

Doc

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STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC ,
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
 

NorthernRedneck

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STATISTIC
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC ,
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
You're a brave man. Lol
 

Doc

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Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
 
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