Forums Forums - Off Topic Forum FUN




Go Back   Forums Forums - Off Topic Forum FUN > Off Topic Forums > Jokes_Forum

Jokes_Forum Jokes and more to tickle your funny bone.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-22-2006, 06:12 PM
Junkman's Avatar
Junkman Junkman is offline
Extra Super Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: North of the Equator In N.E. USA
Posts: 5,865
Thanks: 13
Thanked 35 Times in 10 Posts
Junkman is on a distinguished road
Default Todays Groaners.... #1

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah.
Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.

When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to a football game.

Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This is believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

**********************************************

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the
driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

**********************************************

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."
__________________
Supreme Exalted Grand Master
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-28-2006, 07:12 AM
Doc's Avatar
Doc Doc is offline
Forum Admin

 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 33,064
Thanks: 17,599
Thanked 13,636 Times in 5,479 Posts
Doc will become famous soon enoughDoc will become famous soon enough
Default Re: Todays Groaners.... #1

The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly. The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident. At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly. The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident. At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violist. The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor. He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death. After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch. But nothing happened. He turned it off and then back on again, but still nothing. The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?" The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me. Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-28-2006, 02:11 PM
ghautz ghautz is offline
Bronze Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Central Arizona mountains
Posts: 702
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
ghautz is on a distinguished road
Default Re: Todays Groaners.... #1

Several years ago, a young man in Southern California was obsessed with porpoises. He spent hours daily watching them frolic in the bay. An old man who had observed his fascination walked by one day and said, "Did you know that if you feed them freshly hatched seagulls they will live forever?" The young man went out immediately and rented a U-Haul truck and ran up and down the coast gathering all the baby seagulls he could find. As he was rushing back with a load he passed the California State Zoo, where a lion had just escaped. The lion was running across the road as the U-Haul approached. The young man could not avoid hitting it. He was arrested and sentenced to twenty years in prison for transporting young gulls across the state lion for immortal porpoises.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-07-2006, 07:25 AM
Doc's Avatar
Doc Doc is offline
Forum Admin

 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 33,064
Thanks: 17,599
Thanked 13,636 Times in 5,479 Posts
Doc will become famous soon enoughDoc will become famous soon enough
Default Re: Todays Groaners.... #1

A man entered the hospital for a circumcision, but when he awoke afterwards, he was surprised to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Sir, I'm afraid there's been a little mix-up," said the surgeon. "There was an accident and, instead of your circumcision, we had to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina." "What?!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, you might," the surgeon reassured him, "just not yours!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Today's Freebie JimR Tools & Tractor Implements Forum 2 03-23-2006 01:55 PM
If today's News Media Reported In WW2 Cityboy Political Debate Forum 2 01-27-2006 07:03 PM
Todays puzzle...... Junkman Jokes_Forum 3 01-22-2006 09:35 AM
Today's stupidity Mith The Mistake Forum 14 10-23-2005 02:33 PM





All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:06 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2002 - 2018 www.ForumsForums.com