• Please be sure to read the rules and adhere to them. Some banned members have complained that they are not spammers. But they spammed us. Some even tried to redirect our members to other forums. Duh. Be smart. Read the rules and adhere to them and we will all get along just fine. Cheers. :beer: Link to the rules: https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/forum-rules-info.2974/

Just a thought... and to be honest with everyone here.

Angelface

New member
Today was pretty rough... in fact it was kinda a critical injury to my current delicate stable state of mind. I wanted to post this here so that the people who are absolutely sick of my pity posts, could see who the author was and ignore the thread. If you want to read it.. thank you. Anyways I would rather not talk about what happened but rather what is on my mind today.. As I am struggling to keep it together at the current moment in a house all to myself in a rare occasion, I felt like taking the opportunity to write something as I consider what to do next.

Life is a rather difficult journey that is not easy for anyone, poor or rich, happy or sad, healthy or sick, able or disabled.. It's easy to label someone from the outside because you can't see the real person on the inside, unless they open that up to you... In our society, it's practiced to show not who you are, but who someone wants you to be in order to survive. But like anything with life on this earth, only the strong survive.

Sometimes when you become weak, you fight the hardest to become strong once again and that isn't very easy. You win mostly just by not giving up. But even in the fight to get better, there is a right way and a wrong way in your struggle. Unfortunately for me... I have been choosing the wrong way.

For me, life was perfect last year. I had never been happier after years of fighting my damaged mental state. But as we all know, many things happened that changed everything for the worst. Though some of these things are not my fault.. some is. So in recent times my depression has got the better of me again and I became desperate to become happy and would do whatever I could to fight off and numb these awful feelings that I am so ever tired of fighting.

I am so ashamed to admit some of this and I am sure it will change many peoples opinions about me forever, but I am okay with it. In my pursuit of instant happiness, I have been abusing my pain meds and mixing them, doing something that I said was a reason for leaving the one I gave my heart. I have lied to people I know and care about to get where I wanted to be. I became selfish with the money I have made and have spent absurd amounts on myself on meaningless things trying to fill a void. I drink a lot now and on the weekends, I give myself no limit. I have slept with two random guys I don't even know a few times just to feel wanted or worth someones time. Something I told myself I would never do... the last one who I gave in and smoked marijuana with then finding out he was in another relationship. Well word got out and in this little small town, he is known. So now I have an awesome reputation to boot being called a slut at random places... which I guess would be true at this point.

So as a result of my awful actions, I have lost the majority of my good friends, and my family has cut me off. I am seriously struggling in my hard earned career and on the verge of losing it. I am trash now... a year ago I was in this nice home and neighborhood preaching how life was so great and being active in my church. I don't deserve my kids.. they need better. Their father who has them for the week has it more together than me at this point.

I am soooo lost, soooo scared, and so hurt I can't even breathe. I have never felt more alone and ashamed of myself. I have let so many people down, and it's time I did the same here. I am not worth anymore of anyone's time here. I hope I didn't waste your time and effort. Because everyone here has helped me in a lot of ways that kept me going.

I seriously want to fucking die right now.. but I have a choice to make. But no matter what, sitting here writing or complaining will not help. I have to do something more about it to make it all better in time. I know I should call a crisis line... it would be the one right thing I have done in awhile. Please do not worry about me, for one I am not worth the worry.. I wronged you all in so many ways. You are all such beautiful people who are such a gift to humanity. I wish I was just like some of you. But I am really sick right now. So thank you.. :flowers:
 

bczoom

Super Moderator
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
YES, I'm seriously worried about you right now.

Please seek professional help TODAY! You need to get started on getting better immediately.
 

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
Stop what you are doing and get help. Now!

This is coming from someone who has been where you are. I know what it's like to live in a small town where if you fart before you even smell it your neighbor down the street has broadcast it to everyone in town.

I went through a wreckless period too when I didn't make the best decisions. We all make poor choices at some point in our lives. Ýou have to choose whether it's going to make you or break you.

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
YES, I'm seriously worried about you right now.

Please seek professional help TODAY! You need to get started on getting better immediately.
I'll 2nd Brian's thoughts. I wish we could help but in trying to help we might hurt. Please do seek professional help. Best wishes AF.
 

wakeupcall

Member
GOLD Site Supporter
Forgive yourself and remember each day is a new start. Try again. Don't worry about others thoughts and opinions....they do not matter. Look inside and find the person you want to be and take one day at a time and be that person. If you fail...there is tomorrow, start again. No one is perfect, even if they appear to be from the outside....don't compare yourself to others. Do the best you can do each day. You are strong enough to do this thing called life. You can do this! Hang in there!
 

pirate_girl

legendary ⚓
GOLD Site Supporter
I seriously want to fucking die right now.. but I have a choice to make. But no matter what, sitting here writing or complaining will not help. I have to do something more about it to make it all better in time. I know I should call a crisis line... it would be the one right thing I have done in awhile. Please do not worry about me, for one I am not worth the worry.. I wronged you all in so many ways. You are all such beautiful people who are such a gift to humanity. I wish I was just like some of you. But I am really sick right now. So thank you.. :flowers:

No, you do not want to die right now.
You have a life to live and children who depend on you.

Don't worry about what others think about you.
YOU matter first.
Take care of yourself.
Please.
 

300 H and H

Bronze Member
GOLD Site Supporter
Your seeing your life clearly now, and that is the first step. The next one is to do something about it. Addiction is a serious matter, as I speak from a place to have seen it first hand in another. It is a slow creep, one that takes some time to develope. The time to end is when you recognise your in fact falling into it. Now is that time. Take advantage of the recognition that there is indeed a big problem that needs your undivided attention.

And start doing something about it, today.

Time will help with the wrongs you have done, as will apologies. As you change your life, others will begin to see that you have. It will take some time. Just another reason to get started today..

Regards, Kirk
 

deand1

Bronze Member
GOLD Site Supporter
Work on your problems now.

Napoleon was marching his men up and down a treeless road in the summer. The heat of the sun was beating down on his men. He told his second in command to plant trees along the road so his men could march in the shade. His second in command said, "but it will take years for the trees to be tall enough to provide shade." "That's why I want you to plant the trees now.

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is now.
 

jimbo

Bronze Member
GOLD Site Supporter
Work on your problems now.

Napoleon was marching his men up and down a treeless road in the summer. The heat of the sun was beating down on his men. He told his second in command to plant trees along the road so his men could march in the shade. His second in command said, "but it will take years for the trees to be tall enough to provide shade." "That's why I want you to plant the trees now.

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is now.

Has anybody heard from her? Probably a self answering question.

I'm a little worried. Angel has corresponded with me both by PM and email in the past. Nothing this time.

Angel, give us an update.
 

Catavenger

New member
SUPER Site Supporter
You have probably tried this but does anyone know her full name and where she lives? Any chance of finding out her phone number & calling her?
 

Angelface

New member
sorry for not responding sooner and causing a worry. I am really out of. It right now but wsnted to reach out to ppl. Have been sleeping and trying to recover from it all. I am being admitted to a care facility. It's very hard to talk about it and I've caused some very hurt. Things are going to be very different but we will see. I am sorry for not responding to every body I will be away for awhile justm trying to focus on getting better. But I have long way to. Love you all thank u for the support
 

Catavenger

New member
SUPER Site Supporter
It's just good to have you back. We all missed you. We are there for you.
We might be able to give some advice (in my case it's probably bad advice). Anyway I know some people here have been through some bad sh*t and might be able to help you.
Please know that we care about you.
 

Jim_S

Gone But Not Forgotten
GOLD Site Supporter
We all care about you.

I'm glad you're getting some help.

Jim
 

Leni

Active member
Glad to hear that you are getting help. "Don't worry about me" You've got to be kidding! We love and care for you. Keep writing to us and let us know how you are doing. Please.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Thanks AF. Best wishes for getting better. Will be waiting to hear from you when the time is right. Between now and then I will keep you in my prayers.
 
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