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Tidbits AKA Groaners

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Doc

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A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,

"Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied,

"That would be my husband's check book."
 

Doc

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Well, I can't afford health insurance anymore.

But the good news is, I still have car insurance.

So whenever I get really sick, I'll just go crash my car into a tree.
 

Doc

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A guy calls 911 in a panic. My wife is having a baby. Her contractions are only one minute apart.

Calm down the 911 operator says. Is this her first child.

No you idiot the guy shouts.

This is her husband!
 

Doc

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...
 

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Doc

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Turns out they give the flu shot in the arm these days.

So basically there was really no reason for me to drop my pants in front of about twenty old women at Walgreens this morning.
 

Doc

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So ..... RSVP
 

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NorthernRedneck

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Do you realize that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59pm and the clock strikes midnight, it's the same $hit different day?

Canadian eh!!!
 

Doc

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Some woman this morning was so impressed with my driving, that she got next to me just to show me she was not wearing a ring.

Thanks hun, but it's the wrong finger!
 

Doc

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The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

"The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father.

"I know he's not cheating on his exams."
 

Doc

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Today I called an old Coast Guard buddy and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-Thermal Treatment of Ceramics, Aluminum, and Steel under a Constrained Environment."
I was impressed.
Until I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water, under his wife's supervision.
 

NorthernRedneck

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I was laying in bed last night when my wife told me to make her scream with just one finger. So I poked her in the eye.

Canadian eh!!!
 

Doc

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Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"

Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"

Teacher: "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"
 

Doc

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My Stoner friend lost his job at the cemetery today because he buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake!
 

Doc

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Lately, the way my luck is going,

I'll probably be reincarnated as me.
 
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