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Tidbits AKA Groaners

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Doc

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In case you didn't know,
if you take all the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms.

You're left with a box of Purina Cat Chow!
 

Doc

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Woo Hoo
I just broke my personal record for,

most consecutive days lived.
 

Doc

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Be nice to your hair stylist.

Because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene?
Nothing!
 

Doc

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Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.

They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore---
It's My Body, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again.
 

Doc

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I just finished a book with 786 pages........

That is a lot of coloring.
 

Jim_S

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I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year
Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
 

Jim_S

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I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
 

Doc

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I think men who don’t understand women fall into two categories:

Bachelors.

Husbands.
 

Doc

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Is it fitting for this time in this place or just cosmically perverse that the only man in America safe from sexual harassment accusations is Bill Clinton?
Dennis Miller
 

pirate_girl

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...
Lolz
 

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Doc

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.

"Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
 

Doc

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You owe it to yourself to become successful.

After that, you’ll owe it to the IRS.
 

Doc

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The inventor of the throat lozenger has died.

There will be no coffin at the funeral.
 

Doc

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Breaking news :
A nine year old girl has disappeared in Ohio after using moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.
 

leadarrows

Member
[FONT=&quot]The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines". [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 

Doc

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MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY:
ASBESTOS

A daughter needs help with her algebra.

Dad told her "I will do asbestos I can."
 

Doc

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I was just in deep thought about an age old question, is it more painful for a woman to give birth? or for a man to be kicked in the privates?

I know that both hurt however many women a year or so after a Woman gives birth, they say "it would be nice to have another child".

No man ever has said "it would be nice to be kicked in the privates again".
 

Doc

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Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied,

"No, I always give 110%."
 

Doc

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Me: What happened to you? You don't look so good.

Friend: I got stung by a brose.

Me: There's no b in rose.

Friend: There was in this one!
 

Doc

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A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.
 

Doc

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Photons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic.
 

Doc

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I saw in TV today that China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S.

I don't have a joke here to tell you.

I'd just wanted to give a big round of applause to whatever genius has been selling our trash to China!
 

Doc

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My weight loss goal is,

to be able to clip my toenails and

Breathe at the same time.
 

Doc

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I don't get many compliments.

So I was really surprised when Verizon called to say,

I had an outstanding account!
 

Doc

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My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning today!

Can you believe that?

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
 

Doc

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It is better to have loved a short woman, than never to have loved a tall.
 
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