Ooooh I am sooo pissed off right now... "warning a lot of complaining"

Okay I love my husband, I think he is amazing, sweet, supportive, caring, and a great guy and all that... BUT he can't handle money at all!!! I have no idea how someone can blow thru $1300 in just 5 days. I also have no idea why bills keep getting unpaid and I keep getting disconnect notices on my door. I worked 10 extra hours of overtime last month as well as working on my days off to help get us ahead a little bit and here we are dipping into our savings again... I will admit, I have done my fair share of spending in the past but I worked hard on it and overcame a lot of my horrible shopping habits. But it's like he became worse with it since we have became more financially stable this last year.

Maybe I am just being a total bitch about this right now. But he will go out with friends and rack up a $300 drinking bill. Plus there is all these random $50-$60 charges from stores here and I have no idea what that money is being spent on unless he is pulling cash out for some reason.. UGH!! I swear I am going to take control of our budgeting because I hate the stress over this.

Sounds to me like....there should have been a LOT more conversation before the marriage took place.........best come to some understanding...Together and soon..Just my thoughts....a money management pro....as a moderator might help.

When Mom and I were married we had already agreed that what ever money we had went into one pot.....any bills were paid first...rent ..what ever....then came 10% into savings then food and then ..wants......when the girls came along,their needs came before ours.....

One day I was headed to the store to buy some sigs....and mom said three of the girls needed shoes for church.........it dawned on me that the cartoon of sigs, would more than pay for the three pairs of little girls shoes......... the sigs went back on the shelf and sunday morning my girls had new shoes....sometimes some self ...evaluation can clear ones head... again...just my thoughts.....

I judge no one but myself....and yes at
times I come up short...but I keep trying....

Oh no thank you!!! You sound like you got it down a lot better than we do!!! That's how I want it to be... all of that should just come first and not on the actual day it's due. I can't stand it. We used to have as little as $4 in our bank account at the end of the month when we first got married. But we have grown, and we have better jobs now with more income. However, the spending is so out of control that we are right back where we started!!! He called me and I just went off... I felt bad, but I was just so angry. I mean there is families out there that live off $1300 a month, and in this house it's gone in 5 days. It's like the more we make, the more it seems to him that it's okay to spend. Ugh.. I just can't shake it. I've been trying to think of anything that could take my mind off it and calm down.. but it's easier said than done.

I can understand where you're coming from. My ex was terrible at spending and setting priorities for the family. Make a list of your family's needs vs wants and set yourself a budget based on that. I'm no financial expert by any means. For the bills in my new marriage, my wife pays those and we have basically set our budget to try and survive on one of our paychecks taking care of the needs(mortgage, utilities etc) while the other takes care of the groceries, clothing, savings, and any extras. Both our wages are very comparable and within $1000 of each other for the year. This line of thinking made things possible for us to survive this summer when I had my accident. We ended up surviving on just her income alone for almost two months until my sick benefits got sorted out. My account was only used in case of emergencies during that time.

Somehow when times were tough, we both tightened our belts and learned to budget better this summer and now, we are able to survive with close to half my pay every two weeks going towards savings. Always prepare for a rainy day because while things may be going good today, tomorrow you could find yourself in a situation that we were in this summer. You never know what life is going to throw at you.

NorthernRedneck said:

I can understand where you're coming from. My ex was terrible at spending and setting priorities for the family. Make a list of your family's needs vs wants and set yourself a budget based on that. I'm no financial expert by any means. For the bills in my new marriage, my wife pays those and we have basically set our budget to try and survive on one of our paychecks taking care of the needs(mortgage, utilities etc) while the other takes care of the groceries, clothing, savings, and any extras. Both our wages are very comparable and within $1000 of each other for the year. This line of thinking made things possible for us to survive this summer when I had my accident. We ended up surviving on just her income alone for almost two months until my sick benefits got sorted out. My account was only used in case of emergencies during that time.

Somehow when times were tough, we both tightened our belts and learned to budget better this summer and now, we are able to survive with close to half my pay every two weeks going towards savings. Always prepare for a rainy day because while things may be going good today, tomorrow you could find yourself in a situation that we were in this summer. You never know what life is going to throw at you.

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Very wise words! thank you

Could he be using a substance-- they'll pretend thru thier teeth to protect that they're not.That $$ didn't spend itself. Submit him to a drug test. I would.

Here is a simple spreadsheet that will help you get started on tracking your money. This site has other spreadsheets as well, some that are quite sophisticated, but you probably won't need anymore than this.

My guess is you already have a list of what has to be paid and where your money will be spent, but you need to start the "budget" conversation somewhere and this can be a good tool for bringing both parties together.

Good luck!

I am guessing he spent it on a surprise gift for you and the children hence he cannot explain it, or maybe expenses that you are not aware of and you have money troubles he is trying to save you the pain from but a burden shared is a burden halved.

Either way you need honesty to resolve this and if there is no honesty you do not have jack shit in your relationship sadly.

First thing, If you have children and he is still going out with the boys and spending 300 bucks, that has to stop. family comes first. I was a good one for going out with the boys and being the good time charlie ordering drinks, only to find the house payment was due and I was short of cash. I learned then to prioritize. I lost a lot of so called friends when I said no to going out to the bar.

Dipping into saving is also a very bad sign, you have to put your foot down and just tell him enough is enough and it is time to grow the hell up! He is married and has to learn to be mature, and make good decisions for the sake of the family.

luvs said:

Could he be using a substance-- they'll pretend thru thier teeth to protect that they're not.That $$ didn't spend itself. Submit him to a drug test. I would.

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You hit it... pills. He's been buying pills from someone. We have been down this road a few years ago. He finally admitted it after a heated argument. I couldn't even talk about it to anyone until now. He agreed to get help after I said it's either that or I am taking the kids..

This year has been unreal... one thing after another...

Oh boy, do you have a problem!

I was thinking that money is the reason for a lot of divorces until I read your post about pills. Pills are a lot worse. He needs to go into rehab. Stick by your guns and leave if he doesn't. Sometimes that's the only thing that will bring him to his senses. Don't let him know where you have gone.

You also have to think about the affect of this on your girls. Having an addicted parent is hell for them. The fights and financial problems are affecting them even if you don't wee it. Kids can be very good at hiding their fears.

Open your own banking account without his name on it. Your paycheck goes into that one to pay the bills. Do everything that you need to so you can leave immediately. As the Scouts say be prepared. That way you can move fast if you need to.

Good luck Angel Face. You're in our prayers.

P.S. You have every right to be complaining. You can always talk to us about this problem.

Angelface said:

Okay I love my husband, I think he is amazing, sweet, supportive, caring, and a great guy and all that... BUT he can't handle money at all!!! I have no idea how someone can blow thru $1300 in just 5 days. I also have no idea why bills keep getting unpaid and I keep getting disconnect notices on my door. I worked 10 extra hours of overtime last month as well as working on my days off to help get us ahead a little bit and here we are dipping into our savings again... I will admit, I have done my fair share of spending in the past but I worked hard on it and overcame a lot of my horrible shopping habits. But it's like he became worse with it since we have became more financially stable this last year.

Maybe I am just being a total bitch about this right now. But he will go out with friends and rack up a $300 drinking bill. Plus there is all these random $50-$60 charges from stores here and I have no idea what that money is being spent on unless he is pulling cash out for some reason.. UGH!! I swear I am going to take control of our budgeting because I hate the stress over this.

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Your husband sounds like a drunken democrat to me. I know what it's like to spend a lot of money in a short period of time. I did it once when I bought my new computer. I spent €1000 between MS Office 2013 Home & Business and Foxit Phantom PDF, among others. I was the wiser, though, as I surpassed my daily allowance spending. Haven't done it since and I don't plan to do it again. I've learned how to save and spend my money more carefully. I hope your husband does too.

lets see here I married the most powerful money reducing agent known to man booze than gambling than booze again and lots of shopping therapy in between. if I she has cash in hand there is a compulsion to spend it all so I have to give her an allowance. I do believe if she had access to trumps bank account she could bankrupt him in a week

Thank you everyone! We are really taking it one step at a time. I'm actually lost for words to be honest... My emotions over the last few days have been so mixed that I just feel numb inside and out. I wont hesitate to make a steep move, but.. yah just I don't know anymore.

Angelface said:

Thank you everyone! We are really taking it one step at a time. I'm actually lost for words to be honest... My emotions over the last few days have been so mixed that I just feel numb inside and out. I wont hesitate to make a steep move, but.. yah just I don't know anymore.

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I'll be praying that everything works out for you and your family.

Thank you.

Angelface said:

Thank you everyone! We are really taking it one step at a time. I'm actually lost for words to be honest... My emotions over the last few days have been so mixed that I just feel numb inside and out. I wont hesitate to make a steep move, but.. yah just I don't know anymore.

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Hi Angelface,
I've been avoiding this thread but reading it all along.

First of all, do not ever hesitate to walk away from a situation that would make you happier.
Never stay in a relationship because of the kids.

I could go on and on and share examples of how I felt similar in my first marriage, but won't do that.

Be safe and take good care.
Lollie

What she said. I stayed for ten years in my first marriage mainly for the kids. In the end the result was the same. I eventually realized that I had to get out. I took our son. The oldest boy went to live with his dad. She ended up alone. It was hard at the time but looking back it was the best decision I could make.

Angel all relationships have glitches and if this is an addiction it is a serious glitch but when all is said and done this could take a turn either way,many relationships won't survive it but the strong can and do it all depends on the strength of the relationship that existed before the pills become a problem.

I would take a long hard look at what you have, does the past hold many fond memories that are worth fighting for??? only you know this, if it has always been a strain then yea fuck it walk away and let his problem be his alone,if he has been a good man until his glitch then look at what caused the glitch and fix it but in no way slap a band aid over it as trust me it won't stick for long.

You have some soul searching to do, and he as some ass kissing to do along with his will to kick his habit, Prayers and positive thoughts to you and your children.

Our relationship was great when we first met. So much so over a period of time that we ended up getting married. Once we started having more kids, it became stressful and both of us ended up working odd shifts and never seeing it each other. It also started to feel like we where just together for the sake of the kids and it came to a point that we never showed affection. It reached it's peak last year when both of us thought about divorce.

Late last year I had a severe mental breakdown and after abusing meds, I ended up cutting my wrist and passing out. I decided to take control of my life after that and with much help, I improved drastically. However he didn't and I told him he needed help with his issues or else I was gone. He made the effort as well and now things are better than ever before and our relationship has been very strong and open for the most part.

However this last issue, of him hiding this from me... I talked to one of his friends at the store the other day and he told me that my husband tells little white lies to me all the time. I started to question everything again, and after reading his facebook messages from two years ago, I came across one that he was telling a female co worker that he was all alone in his bed and wanted someone to hold since I was stuck at work.

Okay, so I was in the wrong for looking, and that's when things where bad and it's well into the past. But I can't help this inner feeling that he has been hiding something else from me. He is a wonderful husband and he treats our kids very well, makes dinner for us after working 12 hours, helps around the house, supports me for whatever I am going through, and puts up with my bipolar moods. So some of these feelings could go along with my issues. I have been burned so bad in the past with my ex fiance cheating on me with five other girls while I was stuck at work, and then disappearing after having my first child. I don't even know if he is still alive.. it's been 5 years with no traces of him.

Anyways I am going off topic.. but all these past insecurities have been surfacing and I really do want this marriage to work. So I have been putting a lot of pressure on him about things and he is starting to get really angry about it. I do care about him, I am worried about his health and him overdosing. I don't want to lose him... I really don't. I know we went trough this before, and he just stopped from my knowledge with some help and we moved on. Just this time, he has been hiding it so strongly and not only that, but I have been catching him on lies a lot recently... Besides that he has changed so much and I am so proud of him on how far he has come.. but now I fear it's going south again.

I know relationships are based on trust, I know there has been times he didn't trust me, and I know he has looked through my stuff and checking up on me when I am out with friends. But I always looked at that as he does love me and just scared... but I could be wrong on that too. So I have been going on way to long about this and could keep going... but that's not what people want to hear. Bottom line is, if he can get past this. I will continue to be in this relationship because he is a great person who deserves another chance. We do have A LOT of good memories together. So maybe we can still make this work.

You need to seek real help, my dear.
Do you have family? Mother and Dad, siblings, cousins?
Friends, close girl friends whom you can lean on right now?

You tell us how bad things are for you, while you defend him at the same time.
Memories and good times in the past do not a healthy relationship make.

The fact that you slit your wrists while having children around (I think) speaks volumes about your mental state.

Again, seek real help. Reading the kind words of others on an internet forum isn't what you need at all.

Good luck.

What if one needs professional help but cannot afford it. I've been through raising kids and a family and know there was no possible way we could afford $175 an hour for any one of us. Is there an alternative available for someone who needs help?

My question for you AF would be, Do you love him? Love can sure help you get through the tough times. If love is not there then ...I think you know what you should do. Do not stay together for the kids. Do not expect him to change, cause he won't ...and you won't either. We are who we are and should be allowed to stay that way. Expecting someone to change seems more like wishful thinking to me.

My family life is well.. complicated. My Dad is really the only one I feel comfortable talking to. My brother could care less about me. He won't even talk to me anymore. I've had professional help over the last year. It works but doesn't at the same time. After what I did, they finally found a medication that seems to work with me and I feel a lot more stable. Therapy however hasn't worked for me very well at all. I just don't feel it and I am ready to give it up again. I've been down this road all my life.. I know.. I am a nutcase. I do have one close friend and she knows everything about me and she is very helpful. But she also has a very busy life, so we don't see each other as much.

As for my husband, yes I do love him. Does he screw up a lot? yes. I basically fell out of love with him for the last two years. I didn't even want him touching me for awhile. But this last year I have fallen in love with him all over again and is why I am so nervous. Because I never let anyone at all get close to me and I never let anyone completely in. Some serious stuff happened to me growing up and as a result, I really don't trust anyone like I should.

You're letting us in to a certain extent with trust, so maybe it will help you somehow.

pirate_girl said:

You're letting us in to a certain extent with trust, so maybe it will help you somehow.

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Because this is the only forum that has a good level of maturity and the advice makes sense. Plus you are all smart and fun to chat with!!! Most other forums I posted on usually ended up with name calling and me being labeled as some stupid slut. So it's nice that there is an actual forum that you can have a civil conversation.

Angelface said:

Because this is the only forum that has a good level of maturity and the advice makes sense. Plus you are all smart and fun to chat with!!! Most other forums I posted on usually ended up with name calling and me being labeled as some stupid slut. So it's nice that there is an actual forum that you can have a civil conversation.

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You're right about all that, Angel.
Yes you are.