Looking for Suggestions..

A Brief history is probably in order..

A couple we hang around and spend a lot of quality time with in boating season has ran into a difficulty we simply can't do anything about. Towards the end of summer she started having some aches, pains and difficulties. She went to the local hospital to get checked out and they determined she had cancer, she's is about 50 I should also add.

They couldn't determine the source of the cancer so they started treatment with something referred to a shotgun approach. Well anyway she developed more issues about a week age and they ported her off to a real hospital in Columbus, Oh. It was there they diagnosed her thoroughly and determined she was stage four cancer and "their is no hope". We just received word of outcome yesterday ourselves and are a bit shell shocked ourselves, the last word we'd had she was doing well with the treatment.

The unfortunate thing is they live about a hundred miles away so we can't readily be there for them at a moments notice. Fact is this might be or probably will be the first Christmas we'll miss sharing with them for several years. Anyway I'm needing help myself dealing with this and something that would normally be so simple for me.

We're intending to send flowers to them in just a few hours in fact. I called the wife and she agreed it wold be a good idea. Well I just sat down to write the note for the card and ran into a brick wall. Just what in the hell is a person supposed to write, it's Christmas she's dying and how in the hell do you properly acknowledge "both" !!

I don't know. I am having a hard time coming up with something to say to you let alone you for your friend. You are right it is Christmas and that even makes it tougher. Does your wife work, could she go and spend some time helping the family out? Could you go on weekends? I think just doing things might mean way more than anything anyone could write.

Sorry to hear of this.

I would suggest you do not acknowlege her impending death. Instead speak in celebratation her life.

I do not mean to sound glib. But her future is known to her, and only she can deal with it. It is Christmas and the poiniency of that is known to all.

Unless she wishes it so, it should not be dealth with as the centerpiece of the moment? Unless she wakes it, I advise that you ignore the elephant in trhe room.

I can share your pain as we have a relative in exactly the same condition. This will be his last Chritmas. There are no words of comfort to the family but our prayers.

You have them also.

Thanks for the condolences...

I've finally pinned something we may use....

Our Thoughts and Memories of Times We've Shared

Will always be Remembered as a Treasured Gift From You

We Can Cherish Every Day


Thoughts... Have I found good middle ground...

Bamby said:

Thanks for the condolences...

I've finally pinned something we may use....

Our Thoughts and Memories of Times We've Shared

Will always be Remembered as a Treasured Gift From You

We Can Cherish Every Day


Thoughts... Have I found good middle ground...

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That sounds good. So sorry to hear about your friend. So sad.

A co worker, same age as your friend, was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer in August of 2010. Same scenario, it is not curable, and basically a death sentence. She is still with us. Treatment has kept her going so that last summer her and her husband were able take to the road in a RV they bought. Just mentioning this because when we first heard the news we were so afraid it was all downhill for her. Luckily that has not been the case. I hope that is the case for your friend also.

Bamby said:

Thanks for the condolences...

I've finally pinned something we may use....

Our Thoughts and Memories of Times We've Shared

Will always be Remembered as a Treasured Gift From You

We Can Cherish Every Day


Thoughts... Have I found good middle ground...

Click to expand...

I'd avoid the past tense.

roll with the present and do what you do best....be friends....prayers to all.

jpr62902 said:

I'd avoid the past tense.

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Galvatron said:

roll with the present and do what you do best....be friends....prayers to all.

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I have to agree with both , I'll just ad my thoughts and prayers, thats a tough place to be in.

Thank you all so much. I didn't even realize it was past tense until you pointed it out. Oh well it's now to late they're now ordered and we barely beat the shipping window for getting really "dinged".

Guess I haft to hope they understand.



Christmas Rose Garden

Bamby said:

Thank you all so much. I didn't even realize it was past tense until you pointed it out. Oh well it's now to late they're now ordered and we barely beat the shipping window for getting really "dinged".

Guess I haft to hope they understand.

View attachment 58371

Christmas Rose Garden

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good friends will understand and respect your concerns.

good will to you all.

That is a nice arrangement. When my best friend was dying of bone cancer I had a serious chat with him one day and told him he needed a bath in the worst way. He started to cry and said at least I was honest with him instead of sugar coating stuff like it was not happening. I helped him with a big sponge and basin right then and there and he appreciated the honesty as well as the clean. Being a good friend does not always involve being the nicest person they see.

That's a lovely floral arrangement, Bamby.
It must be very difficult to find the right thing to say at this time, so close to Christmas.
They surely will know you meant well.
You've been given excellent advice here.

it is very appropriate & thoughful, bamby- the Christmasy colors, the picket fence- if she's not at home that'll make things cozy in her room & if she is at home, it's pretty, nonetheless.

sometimes a phone call is appreciated very much. you need not be there in person next to a friend , & yet still, be beside them~

She's was released and allowed to go home last Friday. She was diagnosed with some form of "leukemia". She was in some sort of body cast that supports her from somewhere around the waist up to her neck. She's also suffering extreme bone degeneration but I can't say wither that is also a side effect of leukemia or not.

Anyway she's now at home the hospital's set her up a hospice service to come in and attempt to keep her comfortable. She's signed and issued a "do not resuscitate order" on her own behalf. We last seen them Thanksgiving weekend and at the time everything seemed to be going so well and she seemed to be responding well to the treatment she was receiving at that time.

I guess it goes to show just how fast any of us can go downhill. Life can be far too short and we need to somehow add value each and every day. We as a couple enjoyed quality time both on and off the water and boating together........

It's not the view of the passing water itself that will be remembered it's what we had the opportunity to see and experience traveling along it's way.

Just a brief update...

Our friend received the flowers on Thursday of last week and called us to acknowledge the "Gift". She and the wife had a nice long enjoyable chat on the phone and she seemed to be doing OK and in good spirits and we were so glad that she called otherwise we probably wouldn't have bothered them with calling.

Well forward on to today. We got a phone call this morning from a mutual friend that our friend had "passed on" about 4:00 am. this morning. I'm just so grateful the flowers brought her some enjoyment and encouraged her to call the Wife to acknowledge the gift.

In the scheme of things the value of the gift was so small compared to priceless conversation it induced and it will be forever remembered especially to my wife.

First off my condolences Bamby. Secondly it was great she received your gift, and there was one more conversation, both I am sure brought a great comfort to all of you. Now its time to just think about the good times and memories, and the fact that She is no longer in pain .

Sorry to hear that of your friends.

In my Opinion, I would send flowers and don't mention anything as if it is impending doom....

I would acknowledge that there is an issue they are dealing with and you are looking forward to their full recovery (it is possible) and getting back to the things you were doing together.

When I was going though my Radiation treatments, you aren't dead, but you feel like you should be. Last thing I wanted to hear is someone telling me about my celebration of "Life", when I'm still in it... The brightest point is when someone could make me laugh though all the pain and depression, it was worth every bit of the humor.

If you can find the time to do so, visit with them and act fully as if they are going to get better and you are planning to do the same things you did before!

After my recovery, it was suggested by my doctor to chat with other people going though the same thing I did. It morphed into talking with a lot of cancer patients that were either just diagnosed, being treated or in the last stages of dying. It really sucked too, because not one of them view themselves as needing a "Celebration of Life", they full believed up til almost the end that they were going to be cured.

I made some really nice friends though dealing with these people and making them laugh even though all the pain was worth the effort! I lost a lot of good friends as well and am getting tired of that I must say!

If you swore and told dirty jokes together, then do that still, that may sound crude, but it was "Normal" for you to do, if you prayed together, then do that... What ever it was that made you friends is how you want to treat them now, they are longing for something to make them feel normal in spite of all they are going though... Most people go in and feel very awkward and the place is like a morgue.

You don't need to point out the obvious...

When I was a Police Officer decades ago, there was an accident where a young man had his leg severed. I had put a tourniquet on it waiting for the Ambulance to arrive, he became conscious and was asking questions and I just "Lied" to him and told him things are fine and just waiting for the ambulance. Some jerk that was standing by started yelling "The Dude lost his leg"! Since the victim was awake at that time, he began screaming he couldn't feel his leg and things went downhill from there as he was panicking about losing his leg and thrashing about trying to see it...

I could have cheerfully pulled out my service pistol and shot the jerk bystander screaming that the guy had lost a leg.

Point is, most people realize they are going though a life or death "Something" and would rather be assured things are going to be better. An you acting "normal" with them is very good for their spirits, there is already too many people acting as if they are dying...

Bamby said:

Just a brief update...

Our friend received the flowers on Thursday of last week and called us to acknowledge the "Gift". She and the wife had a nice long enjoyable chat on the phone and she seemed to be doing OK and in good spirits and we were so glad that she called otherwise we probably wouldn't have bothered them with calling.

Well forward on to today. We got a phone call this morning from a mutual friend that our friend had "passed on" about 4:00 am. this morning. I'm just so grateful the flowers brought her some enjoyment and encouraged her to call the Wife to acknowledge the gift.

In the scheme of things the value of the gift was so small compared to priceless conversation it induced and it will be forever remembered especially to my wife.

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I'm sorry I didn't see this before I wrote my post. Sorry for the loss of your friend! Hope he is doing well soon!

fogtender said:

I'm sorry I didn't see this before I wrote my post. Sorry for the loss of your friend! Hope he is doing well soon!

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Ditto.

i am sorry for your loss Bamby....the last chat is for sure a positive to hold in your hearts.