• Please be sure to read the rules and adhere to them. Some banned members have complained that they are not spammers. But they spammed us. Some even tried to redirect our members to other forums. Duh. Be smart. Read the rules and adhere to them and we will all get along just fine. Cheers. :beer: Link to the rules: https://www.forumsforums.com/threads/forum-rules-info.2974/

Tidbits AKA Groaners

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Doc

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In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 

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So what if I can't spell 'armaggedon'?
It's not like it's the end of the world.
 

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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,
so I threw a coconut at his face.
 

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NBC News just showed that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs since it's conception in 2003.
The bad news is that photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs since 2003!
 

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I read that Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is now writing her autobiography.
I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” books.
 

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Guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
Blonde girl: "What's that mean?"
Guy: "It's an Irish Toast."
Blonde girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Guy: "Huh?"
Blonde girl: "That's French Toast."
 

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Wife comes downstairs and asks her husband, who is lying on a sofa, "What have you been doing?"
He replies, "Killing Flies."
"How many you have killed so far?"
"Five, three males and two females."
"How did you figure that out?"
"Well, three were sitting on the remote and two were sitting on the phone."
 

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At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front.
Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted.
The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say.
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 

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My train of thought derailed.
There were no survivors.
 

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When I was a kid, my brother took going to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
 

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Why did God create man before woman?
Because He did not want any advice.
 

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Starting today!
I'm going to live everyday like it's my last.
And who would want to clean the house on their last day on earth?
 

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If I was really rich, I’d do nothing all day.
Except from a much nicer recliner!
 

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I can remember when women treated me like God
Thought of me when they needed something.
Forgot about me when things were going well.
 

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I have learned that the best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence.
Then the other person thinks it's just a dropped call.
 

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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter.
"If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
 

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Wow, if you think things improve with age,
attend a class reunion!
 

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I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.
 

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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can
stop any time.
 

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Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!" The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!
 

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People need to stop putting flyers on my car.
NO!
I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the Courthouse.
 

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When women hold off from marrying men, they call it independence.
When men hold off from marrying women, they call it fear of commitment.
 

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My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework.
One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ___________.”
His response: “Receipts.”
 

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I went to a new resturant called 'Karma'.
There are no menus,
You git what you deserve.
 
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