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  #261  
Old 10-24-2017, 07:36 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

All my life I thought air was free,
until I bought a bag of chips at Walmart.
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  #262  
Old 10-28-2017, 05:48 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
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  #263  
Old 11-01-2017, 09:54 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

WORD FOR THE DAY:
Retreat (adj.) —
To get another piece of candy.
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  #264  
Old 11-30-2017, 07:31 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

What's the definition of divine?

It's what da grapes grow on.
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Sometimes I'm fast. Most of the time I'm half fast!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together!

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate

FF REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM.
EVERYONE GETS ENOUGH EXERCISE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, FLYING
OFF THE HANDLE, RUNNING DOWN THE MODERATORS, KNIFING FRIENDS IN THE
BACK, DODGING RESPONSIBILITY AND PUSHING THEIR LUCK.
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  #265  
Old 11-30-2017, 11:35 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Definition -- Gun Control:
According to Danang Sailor - The Weaver Stance
According to Senator Feinstein - Confiscating all civilian firearms and destroying them

Definition -- Assault Weapon:
According to Danang Sailor - Null -- there is no such thing possessed by the military of any country anywhere in the world
According to Senator Feinstein - Any semiautomatic firearm that superficially resembles the fully automatic long arm of any military anywhere in the world

Definition -- Silencer:
According to Danang Sailor - An erroneous name for what is in reality a suppressor. They do not "silence" a firearm but simply lower the decibel level by about 30%.
According to Senator Feinstein - A device that completely eliminates any sound from a firearm, making them more dangerous to police officers

Please feel free to add to this list!
Mods: Move this if you think it should be somewhere else.


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  #266  
Old 12-01-2017, 08:16 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I was working in the yard one day when my dog ran up. In his mouth was the carcass of some creature, I couldn’t tell what. Whatever it was, it stunk to high heaven!
Apparently this did not phase the dog, he commenced to “dig in” and enjoy this foul feast.
Just about then, my neighbor dropped by and saw what the dog was doing. “You better stop him!” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“You don’t know what that is, it might kill him!” he exclaimed.
I considered this for a moment, and decided he might be right. So I went over to take “it” away from the dog.
The dog was having none of this. First he growled to keep me away. Then he simply grabbed the mess and ran, just far enough, and started “dining” again. After a few attempts like this, I gave up.
So anyway, after a bit, he had eaten the entire thing and lay down to rest. My neighbor and I, not knowing what else to do, just watched him. All was well for about 10 minutes, when suddenly he started letting out the rankest farts I’ve ever smelled! Both my neighbor and I had to go to the other side of the yard to escape!
Anyway, after a few minutes, the dog, farting almost continuously now, began running around in circles! We didn’t know quite what to make of this, and so just kept watching. About ten to fifteen minutes later, the dog stopped and simply fell over on the ground!
“Is he dead?” asked my neighbor.
I went over to him, and saw he was still breathing and did not seem to be in any distress.
I turned to my neighbor and said, “No, I think he just ran out of gas.”
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  #267  
Old 12-02-2017, 01:52 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Fastest way to mess up someone's knock knock joke.
"Come in it's open"
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  #268  
Old 12-07-2017, 08:05 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
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  #269  
Old 12-18-2017, 09:15 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns......They taste funny!
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  #270  
Old 12-18-2017, 07:15 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket...

He was picking his nose.
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  #271  
Old 12-18-2017, 07:20 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?


The pharmacist.
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  #272  
Old 12-19-2017, 03:21 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
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  #273  
Old 12-26-2017, 08:37 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

“So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”
Then Bob says to Dan,
“Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!”
Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”
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  #274  
Old 12-27-2017, 08:21 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
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  #275  
Old 01-03-2018, 10:41 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

11 exercises that you can do in 2018 that won't burn a single calorie!

Jogging your memory.
Throwing your weight around.
Diving into your work.
Jumping to conclusions.
Swimming in paperwork.
Wrestling with a decision.
Bouncing ideas off a co-worker.
Running up your credit cards.
Letting your finger do the walking.
Picking up the check
Skipping class.
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  #276  
Old 01-05-2018, 04:31 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

What's an ig?

A snow house without a loo!
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  #277  
Old 01-05-2018, 04:37 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids!
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  #278  
Old 01-05-2018, 04:39 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out just fine.

And you know what else? Uhhhh

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out just fine.
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  #279  
Old 01-16-2018, 09:04 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I asked my doctor today what the difference is between a cold and the flu.

He said,

"About $90."
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  #280  
Old 01-18-2018, 02:58 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY = HOOCHIE

My lady found a woman's # in my cell phone and ask me

"hoochie is?"
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