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how do you tell someone?

working woman

New member
Site Supporter
ok guys, after seeing you offer some pretty good advice I am asking from a male presctive. Heres the scoop. Lost my husband a little over a year and a half ago, he made one of his friends (who lives in another state) to keep an eye out on me. (was in another room at the time and heard the conversation) At the time I thought it was sweet and a little comforting to know that I could reach out to this person if needed. This person calls about once a month, which was ok for awhile. Now that time has passed I find it hard to talk to this person , becasue of the ties. Needless to say when I do talk to this friend he always winds up telling me stories about my husband. Which all of them I have heard numerous times before. Now here is the problem. The last time I actully talked this person it was the same thing. yes, I tried changing the subject several times. I am really trying my best to move on with my life and everytime I talk to him it seems to set me back. How can I poliety tell him that I dont mind talking to him from time to time but the stories have to stop. I have tried the avoiding thing( not retuning his call) and the I am on the way out the door for vacation thing, which netiher one has worked, I know another phone call will be soon because of hunting season being around the corner. Any suggestions on how to tell this person without losing him as a friend that I really dont want to talk to him anymore?
 

Junkman

Extra Super Moderator
The best thing that you can do is to explain that you have heard all the stories and that hearing them all over again opens old wounds that you would prefer to heal over. If he is a good friend, he will understand and not be upset. If he doesn't understand, then he will stop calling and his feelings will be hurt. That is his problem, not yours. There is no reason that you should have to endure any conversation that makes you uncomfortable. Hopefully he will understand and not call as often also. Junk
 

California

Charter Member
Site Supporter
Junkman covered most of it. I would add that you have to tell him clearly that you have evolved into a different person now and you enjoy, and very much need, living in the present.

All he knows about you is your past. He has to accept that his interest in discussing the past imposes a painful burden on you. He sounds decent so he should accept that this is how you feel, even if he doesn't know how to share in your present life.

Make clear that you are going separate ways, wish each other well, and perhaps someday each of you can enjoy who the other person has become. A person who wishes the best for you can accept that.
 

ddrane2115

Charter Member
SUPER Site Supporter
Hey there. You dont mention this but do you want him to know you know your husband asked him to look out for you? If so, tell him! Let him know you have a new life (you should have), and that you are fine. Tell him (if you want him calling) to stay in touch, but leave the stories in the past........... He will either keep his word to his friend, and continue to call or get real worried or hurt.

Truth is, HE might be the one needing watched. His stories could be "therapy" for him, as much as watching out for you.

In the true arena of life, you can always change your number or do as I would do, dont have one! Secondly, have a man answer once........that may give him a hint.
 

OkeeDon

New member
Is there a woman at the friend's end? (Does he have a wife, girlfriend, sister, etc.). Do you know her, or can you reach her? Explain it to her; she will understand exactly how you feel. Then let her tell him in a gentle way at the appropriate time. She doesn't have to let him know that it came from her; she just has to let him know the female perspective, that while his conversations may be enjoyable for him, they are painful for a woman. If he takes the idea directly, he'll change his perspective when he calls you. If he's not sure, he may ask you if it's painful, and that's your opportunity to tell him "yes", and to also praise him for being so thoughtful as to ask.

Always figure out a way to handle a man so that his ego and self-esteem are boosted by doing what YOU want.
 

working woman

New member
Site Supporter
Thanks you guys. All of you have been a big help. All of you have come up with some very good points and suggestions. Glad I asked.
Yes, he does have a wife that I do talk to occasionly, but the problem is that she is drunk so chanches of finding her sober are not good. Think you guys are right, will just have to grab the bull by the horns and tactfully be honest about the situation. Now wish me luck!:4_11_9:
 

frank_f15

New member
let's see, you don;t want to talk to him because you don't like the drift of the conversation, and you can;t talk to the wife cause she is usually in a stupor. Seems to me it would be best to just lay it out, and if you loose him as a friend so be it, but would probably be best for you in the long run.
 
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