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Little Johnny

MrLiberty

Bronze Member
Site Supporter
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"


:yum::yum::yum:
 

Umberto

Well-known member
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Little Johnny


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the Report Card that's in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home.
 

Lenny

Well-known member
SUPER Site Supporter
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following
question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
 

Leni

Active member
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"

Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
 

Jim_S

Gone But Not Forgotten
GOLD Site Supporter
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom.’
 

MrLiberty

Bronze Member
Site Supporter
While in math class the teacher was playing the game, what number follows. As she went through the class she got to little johnnie and asked, "what follows 69?" Little johnnie replied, "mouthwash."
 

pirate_girl

legendary ⚓
GOLD Site Supporter
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.



Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
 

MrLiberty

Bronze Member
Site Supporter
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.



Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

:yum::yum::yum::yum::yum:
 

MrLiberty

Bronze Member
Site Supporter
LittleJohnnies sister Janie feels left out..........

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.


“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
‘Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”


”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”


“Don’t fuck with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Little Johnny
FriedChicken.jpg
 

FrancSevin

Proudly Deplorable
GOLD Site Supporter
A policeman on a horse approaches little Johnny on a bicycle and says, “Nice bike you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”
“Yep,” replies the little boy.
“Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” he says, and fines her $5 for it.
Little Johnny looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”
The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says Johnny, “next year tell Santa that the d–ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

__________________
 

MrLiberty

Bronze Member
Site Supporter
The kids filed into class Monday morning.
They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies & Imade $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom & dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand & I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
LittleJohnnyJoke.jpg
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
 

Bamby

New member
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 

pirate_girl

legendary ⚓
GOLD Site Supporter
Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

:tongue:
 

olivegirl

New member
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
https://www.facebook.com/darrell.di...Zl_Vk6CETompNpwl1S1GdpuEaoBDSbM&__tn__=<<,P-R
Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room
 
Lil Johnny goes over to his friends house and rings the door bell.
The wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Jimmy home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and Lil Johnny says,
"You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen.
I'd give you a hundred bucks if I can just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell,
- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
Well Lil Johnny promptly thanks her and
lays throws a $100 bill on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Lil Johnny says,
"They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them.
I'll give you another 1$00 bill if I can see them both now."
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and
gives Lil Johnny a nice long look.
Lil Johnny thanks her and lays another $100 bill on the table.
saying I can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says,
"Your friend Lil Johnny stopped by."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says,
"Well, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
 
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