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  #301  
Old 03-27-2018, 04:33 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

In case you didn't know,
if you take all the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms.

You're left with a box of Purina Cat Chow!
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  #302  
Old 03-27-2018, 04:46 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Woo Hoo
I just broke my personal record for,

most consecutive days lived.
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  #303  
Old 03-29-2018, 09:52 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Be nice to your hair stylist.

Because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene?
Nothing!
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  #304  
Old 03-29-2018, 10:01 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "mashed potato" as if it were yesterday.

They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore---
It's My Body, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again.
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  #305  
Old 04-04-2018, 08:48 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I just finished a book with 786 pages........

That is a lot of coloring.
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  #306  
Old 04-05-2018, 04:16 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year
Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
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  #307  
Old 04-09-2018, 07:50 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
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Sometimes I'm fast. Most of the time I'm half fast!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together!

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate

FF REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM.
EVERYONE GETS ENOUGH EXERCISE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, FLYING
OFF THE HANDLE, RUNNING DOWN THE MODERATORS, KNIFING FRIENDS IN THE
BACK, DODGING RESPONSIBILITY AND PUSHING THEIR LUCK.
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  #308  
Old 04-12-2018, 01:41 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I think men who don’t understand women fall into two categories:

Bachelors.

Husbands.
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  #309  
Old 04-13-2018, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Is it fitting for this time in this place or just cosmically perverse that the only man in America safe from sexual harassment accusations is Bill Clinton?
Dennis Miller
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  #310  
Old 04-15-2018, 08:29 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

...
Lolz
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  #311  
Old 04-17-2018, 06:59 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated. Second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.

"Walmart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
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  #312  
Old 04-17-2018, 07:04 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

...
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  #313  
Old 04-18-2018, 03:20 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
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Sometimes I'm fast. Most of the time I'm half fast!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together!

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  #314  
Old 04-18-2018, 08:23 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

You owe it to yourself to become successful.

After that, you’ll owe it to the IRS.
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Old 04-27-2018, 06:35 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

The inventor of the throat lozenger has died.

There will be no coffin at the funeral.
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Old 04-29-2018, 09:14 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Breaking news :
A nine year old girl has disappeared in Ohio after using moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.
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  #317  
Old 04-30-2018, 08:52 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall.
A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines".
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  #318  
Old 05-03-2018, 09:52 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY:
ASBESTOS

A daughter needs help with her algebra.

Dad told her "I will do asbestos I can."
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  #319  
Old 05-04-2018, 10:26 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I was just in deep thought about an age old question, is it more painful for a woman to give birth? or for a man to be kicked in the privates?

I know that both hurt however many women a year or so after a Woman gives birth, they say "it would be nice to have another child".

No man ever has said "it would be nice to be kicked in the privates again".
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  #320  
Old 05-04-2018, 10:15 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

What did one nut say while chasing another nut?





Ima cashew!!
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