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Old 04-11-2018, 06:20 PM
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Default In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands

In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands
April 9, 2018

http://babylonbee.com/news/in-respon...mpaign=dwbrand

LONDON—In response to a recent outbreak in fistfights, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced Monday a sweeping ban of hands in the city, effective immediately.

“No excuses: there is never a reason to have hands in a modern, civil society. Anyone who does will be caught, and they will feel the full force of the law,” Khan said at a press conference announcing the new policy during which he revealed that he has had his own hands surgically removed as a good-faith move to jump-start the new regulations.

Along with the new hand-control measures, Khan announced a new task force focused on purging the city of hands, as well as an expanded police presence focused on stopping and searching citizens who they think may have failed to have their hands removed from their person.

At publishing time, rumors were swirling that the mayor was planning on banning feet after two handless men got into a quarrel and began kicking each other.
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Old 04-11-2018, 06:22 PM
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Default Re: In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands

LONDON—A “potentially dangerous situation” was defused by London police Monday morning, as a toddler cutting Play-Doh with a toy plastic pocketknife was tackled to the ground and apprehended by a Specialist Firearms Command unit, sources confirmed at the scene.

The toddler was happily cutting a lump of green-ish Play-Doh with his official Play-Doh pocketknife in his mum’s London flat when a Metro Police unit kicked his door down and charged in, bellowing for everyone to get down on the ground. Several other operatives dove through windows and rappelled from skylights, tossing tear gas and breaching doors throughout the home until the 3-year-old was neutralized.

Later reports revealed the toddler’s mother had called in the threat, as she saw her little boy playing with the knife and began fearing for her life. “We tried to raise him right, but at some point he just lost his way,” she said, holding back tears while covered in a police blanket. “You never know when they’re going to go astray.”

“Londoners can rest easy tonight knowing that one fewer little tyke is prowling the streets with a deadly cutting object,” London mayor Sadiq Khan said in an emergency press conference held after the confrontation. “There is never a good reason to carry a knife, and we will come down with the full force of the law on any other toddlers who use cutting utensils on modeling compounds.”

When the young boy was checked into the police station, officers reportedly found he was packing other dangerous weapons about his person, including an inflatable samurai sword, a Nerf pistol, and a suspicious green substance that later turned out to be “a giant, disgusting bogey.”

http://babylonbee.com/news/toddler-b...-by-uk-police/
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Sometimes I'm fast. Most of the time I'm half fast!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together!

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FF REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM.
EVERYONE GETS ENOUGH EXERCISE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, FLYING
OFF THE HANDLE, RUNNING DOWN THE MODERATORS, KNIFING FRIENDS IN THE
BACK, DODGING RESPONSIBILITY AND PUSHING THEIR LUCK.
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Old 04-11-2018, 08:39 PM
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Default Re: In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands

Don't them muslims believe in cutting off body parts as a legal penalty. Wouldn't surprise me if "Sadiq Khan" wanted to bring a little Sharia law to London.
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Old 04-11-2018, 11:29 PM
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Default Re: In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands

The collective stupid is just plain amazing.
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Old 04-12-2018, 12:52 PM
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Default Re: In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands

So off go the legs.
Ha!

Monty Pythons The Holy Grail foresaw this - the black knight with all his limbs cut off and blood spurting out in the usual Monty Python fashion and screaming - "Come back here ya bloody bastard; I'll bite yer knee caps off!"

If ya wanna kill somebody will, even if it means biting their kneecaps off.
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