Jarhead jokes

MARINE CORPS ENTRANCE EXAM

Subject: Marine Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 weeks
Name:__________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR-give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
___a. build a bridge
___b. sail the ocean
___c. lead an army or
___d. WRITE A PLAY!!!!

4. What religion is the Pope?(check only one)
----a. Jewish
____b. Catholic
____c. Hindu
____d. Polish
____e. Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?(approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____a. Westerners
____b. Southerners
____c. Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush:________________
Carter:______________
Clinton:_____________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
____a. Macy's
____b. a 7-11
____c. Canada
____d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Therory of Relativity?
____a. yes
____b. no

13. What are coat hangers for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____a. New York
____b. Florida
____c. Canada
____d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC(National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when(approximately)?
____(a) B.C.
____(b) A.D.

*You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

***********************************************************

According to the Readers Digest, this really happened. A lady sent this to Humor In Uniform.

My brother was drafted during the Vietnam War and while they were all standing in line butt-naked someone said something about going into the Marines. One guy said "Aren't they a department of the Navy"? The man next to him said, " Yes. The mens department."

***********************************************************

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

OK they are funny, I might have passed the enterance exam, but the real one is a little eaiser.

An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw a Marine harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Marine to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

The Marine Sergeant

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old US. Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada" one last time."The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could
now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ***.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor?"

FIRST ASSIGNMENTS:

It was a dark, stormy night. The Marine was on his first assignment and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a Private and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued, "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

*********************************************************

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine
Corps General Reinwald who was sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop he brought to his military base.

FEMALE REPORTER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys while they're visiting your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, and shooting.

FEMALE REPORTER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: Not at all, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE REPORTER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: No we are very safety conscious and will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE REPORTER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

*********************************************************

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals/admirals and offered early retirement bonus. They promised any general/admiral who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The Navy Admiral accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.

The Army General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the Admiral had tipped off the third (Marine General). When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my balls." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the Marine General to drop'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My gawd!", he said, "Where are your balls?"

The General replied, " in Vietnam."

*********************************************************

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of schit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of schit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of schit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of schit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough schit to build an officer"

A marine walked into a bar for a beer, after sitting down a group of sailors enter and start to antagonize the jarhead. After a while a navy officer interrupts and tells the sailors to quiet down and congratulates the Marine for his patience.
The officer turns to the group and says gentlemen we should not be fighting each other, turning to the Marine he says isn't the Marine Corps just a department of the US Navy? The Marine stands and replies yes sir, the men's department.

Armed Forces Rules For Gunfighting

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

USMC Rules for Gunfighting
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

Navy SEALS Rules for Gunfighting
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules for Gunfighting
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.

Army Rules for Gunfighting
1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

US Air Force Rules for Gunfighting
1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on HBO
4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
9. Tell the Navy to send the Marines

Navy Rules for Gunfighting
1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch porn
4. Send the Marines.

NEVER ASK A GUNNY...

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, Do you notice anything different about me?

The young aviator officer answered, why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears. The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?

She replied, Well, sir, you have no ears. The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?

To his surprise the Gunny said, Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses.

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. And how do you know that I wear contacts? The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears.

mak2 said:

OK they are funny, I might have passed the enterance exam, but the real one is a little eaiser.

Click to expand...

uh, entrance exam, sorry could not resist

They let him serve anyway Danny.

Uncle Sams Misguided Children

U Suck My Cock

Uncle Sams Moldy Crotch

U Suckers Missed Christmas

enough said.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. (Right, I know, how would a Marine "find himself" here?)
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his medals and ribbons and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes ma'am, a lot of action"
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conservation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself".
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am.
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955? She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow! You sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now, ma'am."

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the military.


He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC thinking he would start by working his way across the USA.

On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read $10,000 per call."

The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The solider replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The man thanked him and went on his way.

Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He asked a nearby Airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.

He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving Oceana, he decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived onboard MCB Camp Lejeune, NC and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the Enlisted Club.

There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised.

Just then, a Gunnery Sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign.

"Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The Gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine Base now son, it's a local call."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment of getting their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a Marine Corps pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and
then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

Several Military officer wives were getting together for a lovely Sunday Brunch. Being old friends, and slightly competitive, they begin bragging about their latest round of birthday or anniversary presents.

"My husband bought me a new car," said the Air Force wife, "It is just what I've always wanted!"

The Marine Corps wife smiles politely and agrees, "How nice. How very, very nice."

"My husband bought me jewelery," boasted the Navy wife, "It is so beautiful!"

The Marine Corps wife smiles politely and agrees, "How nice, how very, very, nice."

"My husband took me on the most romantic vacation get-away." gushes the Army wife. "It was so sweet."

The Marine corps wife smiles politely and agrees, "How nice, how very very nice."

Her three friends turn to her and begin to pick, "What about you?" "What has your Marine done for you lately?" "Poor girl, has nothing to show."

She interrupts them calmly by saying "MY husband took me to the best finishing school in the South". The others are confused. "Finishing school?! What could you possibly want with finishing school?"

The Marine Wife smiles. "Finishing school taught me to say: 'How nice, how very very nice,' when all I want to say is "**** You!"

BUMP.

USMC Bumper Stickers:

Heaven won't take us and Hell's afraid we'll take over.

USMC: When it absolutely, positively must be destroyed overnight.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

To err is human, to forgive is divine, however neither is Marine Corps policy.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

There are two types of people: Marines, and those that wish they were.

Martyrs or Marines, who do you think will get the virgins?

All men are created equal, then some become Marines.

It's not an attitude problem, we are that good.

U.S. Marines: Travel agents to Allah.

First Iraq, then France.

We're Marines, we took Iwo Jima, Baghdad ain't shit." (Gen. Kelly)

It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden, it's our job to arrange the meeting.

Sergeants think their only flaw is their excessive modesty.

Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, war has never solved anything."

M.A.R.I.N.E. : Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected. (yes, I heard this from a marine)

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.

'E can clearly see my little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put thee American in 'is place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on the U.S. Military's Recreation Preferences...

1. Sport of choice for the Marines: Bowling

2. Sport of choice for the Navy: Football

3. Sport of choice for the Army: Baseball

4. Sport of choice for the Coast Guard: Tennis

5. Sport of choice for the Air Force: Golf

Did you notice that the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get??!??

U.S.A.R.M.Y.: Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet
N.A.V.Y.: Never Again Volunteer Yourself

Bump.

Bumper stickers seen on Marine Corps Base

*****************************************

U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the "72 Virgins Dating Club"

"Water-boarding is out so kill them all!"

"Interrogators can't water board dead guys"

" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"Naval Corollary; Dead men don't testify."

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill a Terrorist? .... A little Recoil"

"Marines -- Providing Enemies of America with an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- US Navy Gun Fire Support"

"Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"

"My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A
Veteran"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Communism and Terrorism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." - Ronald Reagan

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Good one Brian!

Bump. I think we're do for a couple additions.