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  #261  
Old 10-24-2017, 08:36 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

All my life I thought air was free,
until I bought a bag of chips at Walmart.
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  #262  
Old 10-28-2017, 06:48 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
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  #263  
Old 11-01-2017, 10:54 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

WORD FOR THE DAY:
Retreat (adj.) —
To get another piece of candy.
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  #264  
Old 11-30-2017, 08:31 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

What's the definition of divine?

It's what da grapes grow on.
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EVERYONE GETS ENOUGH EXERCISE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, FLYING
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  #265  
Old 12-01-2017, 12:35 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Definition -- Gun Control:
According to Danang Sailor - The Weaver Stance
According to Senator Feinstein - Confiscating all civilian firearms and destroying them

Definition -- Assault Weapon:
According to Danang Sailor - Null -- there is no such thing possessed by the military of any country anywhere in the world
According to Senator Feinstein - Any semiautomatic firearm that superficially resembles the fully automatic long arm of any military anywhere in the world

Definition -- Silencer:
According to Danang Sailor - An erroneous name for what is in reality a suppressor. They do not "silence" a firearm but simply lower the decibel level by about 30%.
According to Senator Feinstein - A device that completely eliminates any sound from a firearm, making them more dangerous to police officers

Please feel free to add to this list!
Mods: Move this if you think it should be somewhere else.


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  #266  
Old 12-01-2017, 09:16 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I was working in the yard one day when my dog ran up. In his mouth was the carcass of some creature, I couldn’t tell what. Whatever it was, it stunk to high heaven!
Apparently this did not phase the dog, he commenced to “dig in” and enjoy this foul feast.
Just about then, my neighbor dropped by and saw what the dog was doing. “You better stop him!” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“You don’t know what that is, it might kill him!” he exclaimed.
I considered this for a moment, and decided he might be right. So I went over to take “it” away from the dog.
The dog was having none of this. First he growled to keep me away. Then he simply grabbed the mess and ran, just far enough, and started “dining” again. After a few attempts like this, I gave up.
So anyway, after a bit, he had eaten the entire thing and lay down to rest. My neighbor and I, not knowing what else to do, just watched him. All was well for about 10 minutes, when suddenly he started letting out the rankest farts I’ve ever smelled! Both my neighbor and I had to go to the other side of the yard to escape!
Anyway, after a few minutes, the dog, farting almost continuously now, began running around in circles! We didn’t know quite what to make of this, and so just kept watching. About ten to fifteen minutes later, the dog stopped and simply fell over on the ground!
“Is he dead?” asked my neighbor.
I went over to him, and saw he was still breathing and did not seem to be in any distress.
I turned to my neighbor and said, “No, I think he just ran out of gas.”
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  #267  
Old 12-02-2017, 02:52 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Fastest way to mess up someone's knock knock joke.
"Come in it's open"
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  #268  
Old 12-07-2017, 09:05 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
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