EVER WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DEAR ABBY WERE A MAN?
Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend
and me. What do you think I should do?
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that
there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing
your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved
too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with
your friends without you. If you're still not sure, then just perform
oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex
on him. What should I do?
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to
your skin. Interestingly, all men know this. His offer to allow you
to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves
you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a
day, then cook him a nice meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
Is this acceptable?
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
A night out chasing young single women is a great stress reliever and
can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can
rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day
or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how
emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home! The
best thing to do when he gets home after a long night of revelry is
for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook
him a some breakfast tacos and let him sleep until noon.
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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You
may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to
your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform
oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. Should I
mention something to him?
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek
sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time
consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no
pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get
you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to
him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over
and goes to sleep without ever giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to
cook him a nice meal.