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Long lost connection

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
So once upon a time I was married to my first wife. When we first got together she had a 9 month old baby. I took him in and raised him as my own. He was 12 when we separated. Without any thought or consideration she gave him two options. He could either go live with his biodad or move out west with her.
He chose to live with his dad. I still got to see him as he'd come over to visit his younger brother who stayed with me after the split. It was alright though I saw lots of what was going on with his biodad (drugs partying etc). It got to a point where he'd be over at my place 5-6 times a week in the evenings till almost bedtime. It was hard to watch. Eventually I moved to the city with his younger brother. Within a short time he and his biodad began fighting to the point where he was basically shipped ed off to live with his mother out west. I lost contact with him and the only time my son saw him was when he went out there to visit twice a year. He's now 17 and called me up the other day asking to come visit next weekend. I later found out he's moving back.
So what do I do? Welcome him with open arms? Allow him to visit his brother but remain neutral and distant? So much has changed but regardless I raised him as my own until he was torn from me.
 

pirate_girl

legendary ⚓
GOLD Site Supporter
So once upon a time I was married to my first wife. When we first got together she had a 9 month old baby. I took him in and raised him as my own. He was 12 when we separated. Without any thought or consideration she gave him two options. He could either go live with his biodad or move out west with her.
He chose to live with his dad. I still got to see him as he'd come over to visit his younger brother who stayed with me after the split. It was alright though I saw lots of what was going on with his biodad (drugs partying etc). It got to a point where he'd be over at my place 5-6 times a week in the evenings till almost bedtime. It was hard to watch. Eventually I moved to the city with his younger brother. Within a short time he and his biodad began fighting to the point where he was basically shipped ed off to live with his mother out west. I lost contact with him and the only time my son saw him was when he went out there to visit twice a year. He's now 17 and called me up the other day asking to come visit next weekend. I later found out he's moving back.
So what do I do? Welcome him with open arms? Allow him to visit his brother but remain neutral and distant? So much has changed but regardless I raised him as my own until he was torn from me.

He wants to see you.
I'd allow him to.
 

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
That's kind of what I was thinking. I'm going to see him and just let things slide. If he does move back with his dad he'll be 3.5 hrs away but when he does come to the city I'm not sure on allowing him to stay here though. I know his dad and went to school with him. He was 17 and in grade 9 when i hit high school. He was 21 in grade 10 when I graduated. He had done a year in jail for armed robbery. On one hand I want him to be able to see his brother but on the other hand I don't want that kind of influence on my children here. I suspect that is the reason he's moving back because he was butting heads with his stepdad out there.
 

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
Update. So it looks like this is a classic case of "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence". I feel bad for the kid. He's definitely going to have some issues when he's older.

A little background info. He was 9 months old when we first got together. 12 yrs old when we split. She basically decided on her own one day that she was moving 17 hrs away out west to be closer to her sister's family. Quit her job without telling me. Etc. Told me when I got home from work that she was moving and it was up to me whether or not I was following her. Then she gave the oldest boy an option. He could either move out there with her or go stay with his biodad. He chose biodad. So she left. I was supposed to follow a couple months later with our youngest son. When I finally came to my senses and told her I was having second thoughts about it she only said fine. Pack up my stuff and my brother will get it when he gets his stuff. I told her I was keeping our youngest and she agreed no questions asked.

Fast forward about 2 years. I was now living in the city with the youngest. The oldest boy was still with biodad but things weren't going good. They began fighting all the time till he was basically sent out west to live with his mother. I lost contact with him at that point. Up until we moved to the city he was coming over 4-5 nights a week until bedtime. Then going back to his dads to sleep. Now he wants to move back with his biodad because of an argument with his mom and reached out to me. This time I'm going to tell him like it is. That he can't keep running from his problems in life because he'll never get anywhere. I only hope my son doesn't decide to start following in his footsteps.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Good luck. I sure understand your concern. And I agree with your approach to how to handle this and the advice to quit running from problems. Kids often try to play one side against the other if it wrks to their advantage. Once they see it does not work they understand the way of the world and move forward ...hopefully in a good direction.
 

NorthernRedneck

Well-known member
GOLD Site Supporter
Well. After talking to him about things this evening I can understand why he no longer wanted to be out there with her. Boils down to the fact that she had another son 3 yrs ago and he's basically doing everything to raise his younger brother while she sleeps half the day. Sounds like she's making him do everything I used to do in the relationship while her new guy goes to work at 4am and doesn't get home till late evening.
 
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