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  #61  
Old 04-20-2016, 05:57 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

When my girlfriend picks a restaraunt that I don’t like,

I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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  #62  
Old 04-25-2016, 07:41 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

A guy is 78 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because
I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom!
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  #63  
Old 05-22-2016, 04:28 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor dancing, he is doing the
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
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  #64  
Old 05-22-2016, 04:47 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

THE CHICKEN GUN

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN
HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.

THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE
EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE US SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.

NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO -- "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
(TRUE STORY)
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  #65  
Old 05-22-2016, 05:26 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?

Passenger: No, I have not.

Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.

Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?

Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can't get the gum out of my ears.
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Old 05-23-2016, 07:44 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning today!

Can you believe that?
Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
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  #67  
Old 05-23-2016, 07:48 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

The Obama administration announced today it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college.
So if you are still in college, don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino!
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Old 05-23-2016, 07:52 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

...
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  #69  
Old 05-25-2016, 07:41 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Little Johnny asks his father, "Where does the wind come from?"
"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"
"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"
"I don't know."

Little Johnny pauses for a beat, "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"Not at all son. How else are you going to learn."
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  #70  
Old 06-03-2016, 06:53 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

The Sunday school teacher told the class, "Children, we've learned how powerful kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" Little Johnny blurted out, "Aces!"
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  #71  
Old 06-17-2016, 06:01 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, you know how to drive this thing?

Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, blub, blub, blub.

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  #72  
Old 06-18-2016, 12:03 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredRetired View Post
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, you know how to drive this thing?

Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, blub, blub, blub.

You'd better cut and run after that one, Crackerjack. lol
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  #73  
Old 06-18-2016, 08:09 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
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Old 06-21-2016, 07:30 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Best Fortune cookie ever:

"Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher.
Ask manager for application."
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  #75  
Old 06-21-2016, 10:08 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc View Post
Best Fortune cookie ever:

"Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher.
Ask manager for application."
I lol'd

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  #76  
Old 06-22-2016, 12:31 AM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Q: What would you call a group of people scouring corn with a pumice cloth?
A: Kernel Sanders.

Q: What would J.M. Barrie call a hospital-bed urinal?
A: Peter Pan.

Q: What would you call a legal document Ian Fleming was required to post to ensure he never changed his famous spy's
given name?
A: A James Bond

Q: What propels Army flag officers' vehicles?
A: General Motors.

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  #77  
Old 06-23-2016, 07:56 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

Remember, just one spelling mistake can destroy your life.

A Husband sent this to his wife:
"I'm having a wonderful time, I wish you were her!"
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  #78  
Old 07-26-2016, 07:43 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

I found an old coin in my attic today and took it to a coin expert to examine it!

He said ''This could be worth $50,000.00!''

After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"'

He tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!"
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  #79  
Old 07-26-2016, 08:18 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said.

"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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Old 07-26-2016, 08:31 PM
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Default Re: Tidbits AKA Groaners

This afternoon, just as a joke, I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?”

12 people called me.
I need smarter friends.
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