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Friend/Neighbor kind of lost it - I need advise

bczoom

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Staff member
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I have a quandry...

Last Friday evening. Going into a long weekend. The neighborhood has an impromptu get together at a neighbor's house. Alcohol is involved.

Things are going fine. Lots of jokes and good times.

Later on, the wives/kids go home.

Time goes by, there's 3 of us hanging out and having a good time.

One had never seen the bunker before so the 3 of us ride up the road to show him.

While there, his temperment changes...

He's looking around but starts "tampering" with things. I ask him to stop as he's touching a lot of electrical things I don't want him to. This goes to the point where he pulled fire alarm pulls and such.

I call him on it and request (tactfully demand) he stops.

At this point, he decides he wants to get violent and tries to pick a fight. Being about 70# lighter than he is (I'm not very big), I decline and talk my way out of it.

I get the situation back under control and get us back to being friendly. The 3rd person with us was a great help and help subside the person.

Next day...
The person that got violent/beligerent/obnoxious called and apologized. I heard him out but didn't "accept" his opology. My response was simply an "OK" that he apologized.

Now... I'm pondering what to do. I realize now that he can get violent, regardless of whom he's talking to.

What do I do now? I have about 10 answers but don't know which is the most appropriate.

Please advise.
 

DaveNay

Klaatu barada nikto
SUPER Site Supporter
Put his name on the list next to the door of the bunker. When it's TEOTWAWKI, he doesn't get past the bouncer at the front door with the big gun. :hide:

edit: Oh....and see my signature on this one...it's appropriate.
 

LarryRB

Member
It'sobvious that after a certain amount or even certain type of alcohol, this persons personality changes, Not uncommon, but, very common. Don't invite him anymore to such things as seeing the bunker., If another impromtu get together happens, show up, to be polite, but leave very early...
 

BoneheadNW

New member
I think all of the comments above are great. The only thing I would add is that if the situation ever does come up again, make sure you have a baseball bat or something equivalent to help you "talk the guy down".

Just curious: What does the other guy (who helped diffuse the situation) have to say about the incident?
Bonehead
 

bczoom

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BoneheadNW said:
Just curious: What does the other guy (who helped diffuse the situation) have to say about the incident?

He was quite surprised as well at the temperment change as neither of us saw this side of him in all the years we've known him.

This 3rd person is a very good friend so I think I'll let him spend some time with the one who lost it and feel him out (and report back to me) before I do anything.
 

Melensdad

Jerk in a Hawaiian Shirt & SNOWCAT Moderator
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Why didn't you "accept" the apology?
 

dzalphakilo

Banned
What I'm wondering is why you never "saw this side" to this guy who was drinking. At first, after reading your post, I thought you really didn't know him (guy who became "disorderly"). My first thought is that the guy in question may have a drinking problem, but if you drank with him before (which I'm assuming if you've known him for some time), assumed this behavior would "of come out" before.

Perhaps something has changed in his life that you or others are not aware of. Not making excuses for his behavior, just wondering.

Worst case, just don't associate with the guy anymore.
 

bczoom

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B_Skurka said:
Why didn't you "accept" the apology?
Because I was (and still am) pissed that he would do such a thing. I'm thinking that by acknowledging it but not specifically accepting it he may have to dig a little deeper in his own mind about what happened. If I had let him off too early, he may think that he's fully off the hook and he doesn't need to consider (or change) anything.
 

Mith

The Eccentric Englishman
SUPER Site Supporter
Did you ask him why he got so fired up when he called to apologise?

Be a little careful when he is drinking, or avoid him when he is drinking. No need to push him away if you like him generally.


I have a freind that hit me in the nose at a music festival, still good freinds, but I'll probably be a little more careful next time. Unlike your freind he didnt give me much warning, I was actually impressed he managed to hit me, he could hardly stand up.
 

OkeeDon

New member
He was drunk. When he was sober, he apologized, apparently sincerely. You blew him off. I'd say you won't have to worry about him in the future.
 

bczoom

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Mith said:
Did you ask him why he got so fired up when he called to apologise?
No. He just said he got pretty (too) drunk and got out of control and for that he apologized.

OkeeDon said:
He was drunk. When he was sober, he apologized, apparently sincerely. You blew him off. I'd say you won't have to worry about him in the future.
I don't believe my wording was blowing him off on his apology. I just acknowledged it as I believe we both need to consider some things before determining our future relationship.

From my side, I don't appreciate friends who are much younger, bigger, stronger... wanting to beat the crap out of me whether they're drunk or not.

Will it return to the way it was in the past? Will I just be neighborly but not have any beers with him? Will I bug-out early if we are having some beers? I still haven't determined my position.

From his side, I just hope he's considering his actions and what he can do or has done to a friend and can maybe do/change things in the future to stop it from recurring.
 

SNOW WOLF TRACS

New member
JUST ASK YOURSELF THIS, WHAT WOULD YOUR THOUGHTS BE ABOUT THIS IF YOUR POSITIONS/ROLES/PLACES WERE SWITCHED? OR POSSIBLY, HAS SOMETHING LIKE THIS EVER HAPPENED TO IN YOUR PASSED WHERE YOU WERE IN HIS PLACE? THIS WORKS WELL FOR A FIRST OFFENSE, BUT LET HIM BE WARNED, HAPPENS TWICE THERES NO TURNING BACK. ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY. TWICE BITTEN, BYE BYE.
 

Melensdad

Jerk in a Hawaiian Shirt & SNOWCAT Moderator
Staff member
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bczoom said:
From his side, I just hope he's considering his actions and what he can do or has done to a friend and can maybe do/change things in the future to stop it from recurring.
I agree that you should hope this, but if his apology was sincere, then is it not reasonable to accept the apology?

Now if it was not a sincere apology then I agree that your course of action is reasonable, but if sincere, then what more can he do beyond an apology. It is also reasonable to not be around him when he is drinking, even if you accept his apology.
 

OkeeDon

New member
Forgiveness goes a long way towards making good friends. It sounds like you have no forgiveness in your heart. He thought enough of you to call and apologize, you apparently don't think enough of him to accept it. That's what I meant by not having to worry about it in the future -- there is no friendship there, at least not on your part.
 

Cowboyjg

Country Club Member
Site Supporter
BC....I think you are taking this as seriously as you should. This will not rectify itself over night, if at all. Your whole way of interacting with each other will change forever. This will always be in the back of your mind. You can only hope it will forever be in the back of his. Do what you are comfortable with. Limit your interaction to what ever allows you and this guy the opportunity to work on rehabbing your relationship. Like most injuries, if it heals great. If it doesn't, amputate. You have to give it time and so does he. As far as forgiveness is concerned, I don't necessarily see that there has to be a connection. I forgive people all the time for wrongs done but that doesn't mean I want to continue a close relationship afterwards. Compassion and prudence can work together.
 

bczoom

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OkeeDon said:
Forgiveness goes a long way towards making good friends. It sounds like you have no forgiveness in your heart.
Yes it does but I'm still stewing. Does forgiveness need to occur immediately? I have forgiven most things against me but not until I'm ready to do so.

OkeeDon said:
He thought enough of you to call and apologize, you apparently don't think enough of him to accept it.
But he didn't think enough of me when he did the things he did. Therein lies where I too am questioning our friendship. See my previous statement. I will forgive in time.
 

dzalphakilo

Banned
bczoom said:
From my side, I don't appreciate friends who are much younger, bigger, stronger... wanting to beat the crap out of me

That don't sound like the jarheads I know, you must be getting wiser:D
 

bczoom

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dzalphakilo said:
That don't sound like the jarheads I know, you must be getting wiser:D
Older too. It's too darn hard on the body anymore. I've been sitting behind a computer for the last 20 years. He's been framing/building houses (and is in a bit better shape than I am).
 

bczoom

Super Moderator
Staff member
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The 3rd party of this incident (the friend who was there and helped me out) stopped by.

He's of the same school of thought I am. This person got out of hand and is not someone who can be trusted. We're both going to separate ourselves from this person.

He also brought to my attention that his violent tendencies have happened to others (including the guys brother?!?!?).

I think I'll do what's necessary to remain neighborly but will not be having any beers with the guy.
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
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Sounds like a good plan BC. Good luck with it.
 

JimR

Charter Member
After growing up with a father like that. I can tell you this about some people and alcohol. Adding alcohol equals instant ASSHOLE. The next time you drink with the fool. Leave after he has had xxx number of drinks before he reaches the point of stupidity. A person that can't handle his alcohol is a dangerous person. Or carry around a set of brass knuckles so you can put his lights out real quick if he gets out of hand again. The next day you can call him to remind him that he was an asshole and that you had to put him to sleep for the evening.
 

kensfarm

Charter Member
SUPER Site Supporter
Maybe a good lesson is in order.. invite him over for drinking again.. make sure your TASER is fully charged.

Life is hard enough.. you don't need this loser around you or your family.. I wouldn't give it a second thought to never see or speak w/ this person again.
 

California

Charter Member
Site Supporter
kensfarm said:
you don't need this loser around you or your family.. I wouldn't give it a second thought to never see or speak w/ this person again.
Agreed. Zoom, like I said in the first reply, and JimR clarified - walk away. Your life could depend on it. Alcoholics have made a choice and you were second choice.

Up on our gold mining claim in a remote Sierra canyon, we had an end-of-summer miner's picnic come to an abrupt close when an acquaintance from down the canyon emptied a revolver over everyone's head when he departed. He had been feuding with his helper and this was to show us who was boss.

Later that night a friend (female) of his wife drove her back to their camp and found him waiting for them in the dark with pistol drawn. The friend came back and told us they couldn't talk him into letting the wife depart with her. She said the wife's odds of living the night were about 50/50. A few months later the guy killed himself driving straight into a roadside boulder. This is the sort of personality that was revealed by your neighbor's actions. A morning-after apology means nothing after someone is dead.
 
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