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Tidbits AKA Groaners

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Doc

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I loved it when my dad used put me inside a tire and roll it down a hill.

Those were Goodyears!
 

Doc

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I got pulled over by a cop tonight.

He asked if I had a police record.

Apparently "Roxanne" was not the answer he wanted to hear!
 

Doc

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...
 

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Doc

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I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent,

they don't listen,

they don't come in when you call,

they like to stay out all night, and when they're home

they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man,

they love in a cat.
 

Doc

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A Sunday School teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the Ark?"

Little Johnny said "

No, not with only two worms he didn't ".
 

loboloco

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What is the difference between a cat and a frog?




A cat has nine lives while a frog croaks every night.
 

Doc

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Different ways to see things....
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
 

Doc

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I hate when homeless people shake their change cups at me.....
I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a jerk about it.
 

Doc

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"Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!"

"Don't panic, the magnet should pass through his system
soon."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Stick him on the refrigerator.

When he falls off, you'll know."
 

Doc

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I was wiping down the dust on my keyboard and when I was finished.

I realized I had just received an online degree from Strayer University.
 

Doc

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Spelling errors frustrate me SO much.

Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
 

Doc

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The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girlfriend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied, caught off-guard by the question. "Your daughter and I were thinking we'd just have to support ourselves, the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
 

Doc

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For Bob ....

I was so embarassed to be hospitalized for a whole week with kidney stones.

So when people asked me where I was?

I told them I spent a drug-filled week with the stones.
 

Jim_S

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My boss didn't come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.

When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."
 

Doc

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Remember, just one spelling mistake can destroy your life.

A Husband on a trip sent this to his wife:

"I'm having a wonderful time, I wish you were her!"
 

Doc

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My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and then waking up in bed.

I really miss teleporting.

It never happens to me anymore!
 

Doc

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I would just like to say that me and my receding hairline go way back!
 

Doc

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Have you heard of ....
 

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Jim_S

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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
 

Jim_S

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I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
 

Jim_S

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I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?
 

Jim_S

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I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
 

Doc

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A nurse at the hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" asked the nurse.

"No," the caller answered,

"I'm a brunette."
 

Doc

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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until I finally got my license.

I inspected the photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at the picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured, "that's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
 

Jim_S

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I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
 

Doc

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Only in America......do banks leave both doors open.

Then chain the pens to the counters.
 

Doc

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Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

While healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
 
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