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  #21  
Old 08-04-2014, 08:01 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

"Teacher," announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Johnny?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"
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  #22  
Old 08-10-2014, 08:51 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Spelling Lessons
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."

Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."

Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."

Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."
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  #23  
Old 09-10-2014, 09:58 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.

He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.

She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.

He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.

She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.

He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.
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  #24  
Old 09-12-2014, 02:38 PM
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Default Little Johnny

The teacher asked class to use the word “fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated".
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

The teacher sat down and cried.
GOD - I love this kid!!!
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  #25  
Old 09-29-2014, 11:33 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his brother Little Jake learn to cuss from the older kids.

They come home and sit down for lunch. Mom turns to Little Jake and says, "What would you like to drink?" Jake says, "I want some fucking milk."

Mom spanks Little Jake, sends him to his room, turns to Little Johnny and says, "Now, what would YOU like to drink?"

Little Johnny says, "You can bet your ass I don't want any fucking milk!"
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  #26  
Old 12-25-2014, 08:06 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Little Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, "I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
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  #27  
Old 01-15-2015, 03:48 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn’t start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......”

The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”

Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”
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  #28  
Old 01-16-2015, 11:56 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny…
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.”
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  #29  
Old 01-16-2015, 12:01 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

It was the 1st day of of 1st grade for Little Johny and he was really excited. In class his teacher said: "Now that we're all grown-up we aren't going to use little baby talk anymore. Instead we're going to use "Grown-up" words! Now who would like to start by telling about their summer?"

A girl named Suzie was waving her hand so the teacher called on her. She said: "This summer I rode a choo-choo! "

The teacher said "No.. we don't say choo-choo, say "train" Remember to use Grown-Up Words.? Now who's next?"

Little Johny was called on and he replyed "This summer I went to Disneyland and saw Winnie the Shit!"
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  #30  
Old 04-07-2015, 10:54 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
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  #31  
Old 04-08-2015, 02:03 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leni View Post
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

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  #32  
Old 04-19-2015, 09:58 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Little Johnny


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the Report Card that's in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home.
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  #33  
Old 05-04-2015, 11:39 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following
question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
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  #34  
Old 05-25-2015, 06:16 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"

Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
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  #35  
Old 06-10-2015, 03:12 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom.’
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  #36  
Old 02-26-2016, 08:50 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

While in math class the teacher was playing the game, what number follows. As she went through the class she got to little johnnie and asked, "what follows 69?" Little johnnie replied, "mouthwash."
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  #37  
Old 02-27-2016, 09:48 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.



Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
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  #38  
Old 02-29-2016, 10:39 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Quote:
Originally Posted by pirate_girl View Post
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.



Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
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  #39  
Old 08-17-2016, 02:00 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

LittleJohnnies sister Janie feels left out..........

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.


There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.


“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
‘Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”


”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”


“Don’t fuck with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
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  #40  
Old 11-21-2016, 06:47 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

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