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  #1  
Old 06-11-2013, 04:12 PM
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Default Little Johnny

The kids filed into class Monday morning.

They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies & Imade $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom & dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand & I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart!
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  #2  
Old 06-11-2013, 05:15 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

I like Little Johnny Jokes.

It would be nice to have a sticky thread for them.
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  #3  
Old 06-11-2013, 05:22 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

They are funny.
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Old 06-11-2013, 07:53 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

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Old 06-12-2013, 12:29 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Funny, but unfortunately the obama method isn't a joke!!
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Old 06-12-2013, 06:17 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenny View Post
I like Little Johnny Jokes.

It would be nice to have a sticky thread for them.
Good idea. Consider it done.
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Old 06-15-2013, 05:19 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The pastor called on Little Johnny and he said,

"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
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Old 06-17-2013, 07:02 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

Little Johnny who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm answers the door.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little Johnny: "What the Fuck do you think?"
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  #9  
Old 06-17-2013, 07:57 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

The class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and Uncle Bob left town suddenly."

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "thou shall not kill."

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa..
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
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  #10  
Old 06-19-2013, 06:51 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.


Little Johnny was not the best student in school . Usually he slept through the class. One day his teacher, a nun, called on him while he was sleeping.

'Tell me Johnny, who created the universe?'

When Johnny didn't stir, little Susie who was his friend sitting behind him, took her pencil and jabbed his in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Johnny.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Johnny, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' but Johnny didn't stir from his slumber.

Once again, Susie came to his rescue and stuck him in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Johnny.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Johnny fell back asleep..

The Nun asked him a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Susie came to the rescue. This time Johnny jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
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  #11  
Old 07-17-2013, 03:13 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

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  #12  
Old 07-26-2013, 06:27 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
...
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
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Old 07-26-2013, 08:52 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Good one.
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:35 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

Little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

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Old 09-10-2013, 10:58 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she
asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body
goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said: "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said: "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night, Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh!
God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!......
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Old 11-16-2013, 07:36 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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Old 12-29-2013, 08:54 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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Old 12-29-2013, 09:19 AM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Good one, LZ!
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Old 02-01-2014, 01:32 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

Little Johnny was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

Little Johnny replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

Little Johnny replied with a chuckle.
"You're bullshitting. You don't even know the way to the Post Office.
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Old 02-02-2014, 01:37 PM
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Default Re: Little Johnny

The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
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