The Large Hadron Collider, the $6-billion particle accelerator built to replicate the Big Bang, has started spitting out millions of odd socks from tiny black holes. Though it is not what they were expecting, scientists working on the collider said they are ‘quietly delighted’ at this event as it proves to detractors that the project is not an enormous waste of money.
A transporter into another realm?
“It started on Tuesday, when a single white gym sock was found inside the collider,” said Dr Thomas Engelson. “At first, we thought it was a prank or something left behind by one of the construction workers. We removed it, and, following our next high-energy collision, the accelerator was found to have filled with more than one hundred thousand socks. They had popped out of all the tiny black holes the collider produces.”
Immediately following their appearance, the socks were warm to the touch. Engelson said that it was probably the result of the energy dispelled at being burped from the black holes, but scientists are investigating the possibility that they have come straight from people’s tumble dryers.
“They were also full of static,” said Engelson. “It is absolutely conceivable that the socks have been transported directly from tumble dryers, via some undiscovered, invisible vortex created by the heat, static and repetitive circular motion of a tumble dryer.” The only thing confusing this theory is that the fibres on some analysed socks date back to the early 1900’s, a few years after the clothes dryer was invented.
A selection of the millions of lost socks coughed up by the Large Hadron Collider
“This presents all sorts of exciting possibilities; we may have found a way of transporting physical matter, animal matter, through time and space. And all this time it was possible in a tumble dryer. In the right conditions, humans could use their tumble dryer to travel from America to Europe in a matter of seconds,” laughed Engelson.
To begin experimenting on this premise, a tumble dryer has been delivered to the project’s HQ in Geneva, Switzerland, and a selection of cats of varying age and weight will be placed in it to see if they end up in the collider.
Cats are being used because their fur is a strong conductor of static, considered a vital component in metaphysical transportation. The first subject was ‘Proton’ who was successfully transported into one of the collider’s parallel beam pipes, but has since refused to get back into the tumble dryer. No other cat has since managed to complete a transportation.
‘Proton’, after he managed the first and only successful transportation from tumble dryer into parallel beam
Current test pilot, a Burmese named ‘Higgins’, has been spending up to four hours a day in the dryer, but to no success. “Higgins just comes out full of static. We can actually stick him to a wall,” said Engelson.
Test pilot ‘Higgins’ preparing for another spin
Engelson was cautious about stating that the mystery of vanishing socks has been solved, but was prepared to concede that this accidental discovery could be highly significant. Scientists are, however, worried that the socks could interfere with the rest of the experiments.
‘Blackie Hole’ hopes to make it to the other side
“The only problem is that with all these socks being produced, the collider gets full within a few hours and we have to open the thing to get them out. It’s going to be very difficult to retrieve accurate data if socks keep getting in the way,” said Engelson. “We have considered asking people to stop putting socks in their tumble dryers but this is an impossible request. We will have to look at another solution.”
In the meantime, the socks are being stored in a large warehouse near the collider in Geneva, Switzerland, with plans being made to donate them to charities all over the world.
http://blogs.thetimes.co.za/shaggydog/2008/09/18/large-hadron-collider-spitting-out-lost-socks/
A transporter into another realm?
“It started on Tuesday, when a single white gym sock was found inside the collider,” said Dr Thomas Engelson. “At first, we thought it was a prank or something left behind by one of the construction workers. We removed it, and, following our next high-energy collision, the accelerator was found to have filled with more than one hundred thousand socks. They had popped out of all the tiny black holes the collider produces.”
Immediately following their appearance, the socks were warm to the touch. Engelson said that it was probably the result of the energy dispelled at being burped from the black holes, but scientists are investigating the possibility that they have come straight from people’s tumble dryers.
“They were also full of static,” said Engelson. “It is absolutely conceivable that the socks have been transported directly from tumble dryers, via some undiscovered, invisible vortex created by the heat, static and repetitive circular motion of a tumble dryer.” The only thing confusing this theory is that the fibres on some analysed socks date back to the early 1900’s, a few years after the clothes dryer was invented.
A selection of the millions of lost socks coughed up by the Large Hadron Collider
“This presents all sorts of exciting possibilities; we may have found a way of transporting physical matter, animal matter, through time and space. And all this time it was possible in a tumble dryer. In the right conditions, humans could use their tumble dryer to travel from America to Europe in a matter of seconds,” laughed Engelson.
To begin experimenting on this premise, a tumble dryer has been delivered to the project’s HQ in Geneva, Switzerland, and a selection of cats of varying age and weight will be placed in it to see if they end up in the collider.
Cats are being used because their fur is a strong conductor of static, considered a vital component in metaphysical transportation. The first subject was ‘Proton’ who was successfully transported into one of the collider’s parallel beam pipes, but has since refused to get back into the tumble dryer. No other cat has since managed to complete a transportation.
‘Proton’, after he managed the first and only successful transportation from tumble dryer into parallel beam
Current test pilot, a Burmese named ‘Higgins’, has been spending up to four hours a day in the dryer, but to no success. “Higgins just comes out full of static. We can actually stick him to a wall,” said Engelson.
Test pilot ‘Higgins’ preparing for another spin
Engelson was cautious about stating that the mystery of vanishing socks has been solved, but was prepared to concede that this accidental discovery could be highly significant. Scientists are, however, worried that the socks could interfere with the rest of the experiments.
‘Blackie Hole’ hopes to make it to the other side
“The only problem is that with all these socks being produced, the collider gets full within a few hours and we have to open the thing to get them out. It’s going to be very difficult to retrieve accurate data if socks keep getting in the way,” said Engelson. “We have considered asking people to stop putting socks in their tumble dryers but this is an impossible request. We will have to look at another solution.”
In the meantime, the socks are being stored in a large warehouse near the collider in Geneva, Switzerland, with plans being made to donate them to charities all over the world.
http://blogs.thetimes.co.za/shaggydog/2008/09/18/large-hadron-collider-spitting-out-lost-socks/
